Are your kids silent? Are they reticent to talk to you about anything other than food, sports, or video games? Do your children seem to internalize everything without ever asking for help or guidance?
You aren’t alone. Millions of parents struggle with the exact same problem. But for many, there’s a breakthrough. In this article, we’ll walk you through some of the ways you can have your own mini breakthrough.
Why Do Kids Shut Down and Refuse to Talk?
Before you can get your children to open up and talk, you have to understand why they shut down in the first place. In most cases, it’s directly tied to one or more of the following factors:
- They don’t understand their emotions. Teens and pre-teens experience an influx of emotions that they rarely know how to deal with on their own. This can make them feel awkward and confused. And in certain cases, it causes them to shut down.
- They don’t have words to express themselves. When a child doesn’t have the words to express how they’re feeling about something, it’s easy for them to retreat and ignore the issue.
- They’re fearful of your response. Many children are fearful of what their parents will say if they’re truly open and honest with their emotions.
You might not immediately know which of these factors is playing a role in your child’s unwillingness to open up and talk. However, simply knowing that these underlying forces are at play will allow you to make positive strides.
4 Tips for Getting Kids to Open Up
No two children are identical. Even if you have twins, you’ll find that each child responds differently to various techniques and approaches. Having said that, here are a few tips you can apply to get your children talking:
1. Look for conversation openers.
You have to take what you can get. A child isn’t always going to open up to you when it’s most convenient for you. So when you notice a conversation starter, seize it!
As Dr. Laura Markham explains, “It can be excruciating to tear yourself away from what you’re doing to focus on a child’s question, but how you respond to his overture is crucial in building closeness. To him, it’s an indication of whether he can count on you to talk when he needs you.”
This relates to another point, which is to always be available. Even when your child isn’t talking to you, it’s up to you to express that you’re always there to talk. This means making yourself physically available (being present in the home) and emotionally available (not constantly being tied up by your job or other responsibilities).
2. Choose the right environment.
There are certain times when a child is more likely to open up. If you can identify these opportunities, you’re much more likely to have meaningful conversations.
For example, a child probably isn’t going to have a transparent conversation with you in the middle of a crowded mall food court. They may, however, say something valuable when you’re sitting around an outdoor fireplace roasting marshmallows. Make sure you’re constantly aware of your surroundings.
3. Learn to listen.
When your child does perk up and say something, it’s easy to jump into problem-solving mode. However, this can be detrimental to your cause. Learn to cultivate your listening skills. Sometimes all your child wants is someone to listen, nod, and engage with them. Advice and solutions can come later.
4. Make their interests your own.
It’s unlikely that you’ll have any meaningful conversations with your child if you don’t first invest in them as human beings. Part of this means taking interest in whatever it is that gets them excited. Whether it’s video games, sports, art, or reading – get involved. This gives you more conversation “ammo” and easier introductions into more sensitive topics.
Practice proactive patience.
Your child isn’t going to suddenly open up one day and produce a steady stream of consciousness. Getting a child to talk requires a healthy blend of proactiveness and patience. You have to put the right building blocks in place and then wait for the child to respond. This process can take weeks, months, or even years. Don’t give up!
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This content is sponsored by Larry Alton.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
