Here Are 5 Great Reasons for “Ghosting” Someone

“Letting go means to come to the realisation that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.”
― Steve Maraboli

I was just reading Iris B. Stehn’s interesting story about “orbiting”, which included a bit about “ghosting.”

In case you’re not familiar with these terms in the context of relationships that have ended, “orbiting” is when one person keeps watching the other’s social media, perhaps “liking,” “following,” etc. but not communicating. “Ghosting” is when one person simply stops all communication and essentially vanishes without a word.

From what I’ve heard in conversations about “ghosting,” the general consensus is that it’s rude, nasty, uncalled for…you get the idea.

But sometimes, ghosting is the best course of action.

I’ve been the “ghostee” and it’s true, it can be unpleasant. In my younger years, I would drive myself over the edge doing what Iris describes — essentially tearing my hair out with self-doubt and wondering what I did wrong and blah blah blah.

Over time, I stopped doing that for two reasons. One: I don’t give a rat’s @$$ what someone thinks. If they’ve decided for some reason that they don’t want to talk to me anymore, or if they’re having a pout about something and our friendship/relationship (of any kind) doesn’t mean enough to them to bother talking about it, then fine. They’re doing me a favour by getting the hell out of my energy and not wasting my precious time.

And two: I came to understand that I’m the only one in control of my feelings. I’m the only one who is responsible for whether or not I doubt myself or lack confidence. These do not hinge on the opinions of others. If they did, it would mean I didn’t have any self-confidence at all.

If I know myself well and if I’m truly confident in myself, it doesn’t matter a damn what anyone else thinks about me.

Ego says “Oh, no! What did I do? It must be me!” Ego worries and frets and drives itself nuts going over minute details, trying to figure out what it did wrong. Ego fears rejection, feels personally attacked or wounded, and wants to take its toys out of the sandbox and go home.

In fact, it might be that that’s what the other person was doing. And here you sit, coming apart at the seams because you think you might have said or done something “wrong.”

Whether or not you did, if people on the other side of those silences don’t want to talk about it there could be a reason.

I know, because I’ve been the ghost.

And here are the reasons why:

1. Gaslighters, Manipulators and Liars, Oh, My…

I’ve recognised that I’m on the receiving end of toxic, emotionally abusive, behaviour. I’ve lived there more than enough to know when people are being deceptive, twisting words, have not-as-hidden-as-they-think agendas, are attempting to be controlling, or in other ways are exhibiting behaviours that are unacceptable in my world.

Those people will never admit to any of this behaviour. They plead innocence and do their best to make you think that whatever you think is wrong is your fault. Or that there was nothing wrong at all and you’re making it all up.

They make you question yourself and you start to wonder if they really did do or say whatever it was you thought you were upset about but perhaps you shouldn’t be upset because maybe it didn’t happen the way you thought it did…This is gaslighting. Manipulating. Lying.

In those cases, there is absolutely no point trying to have a conversation that explains why you’re ending the connections. They will merely try to suck you back in with sweet talk and denials, minimising, and justifying, sometimes to the point where you end up apologising to them for ever having doubted them.

Pure, unadulterated crazy-making at its finest.

No, thanks. I’m never living there again.

2. Been There, Done That, and for What?

Then there are those people with whom you’ve already talked and talked and talked about the same issues (ad nauseum) but nothing changes.

There might have even been apologies and understandings and agreements about changes moving forward, but you’re still staring at the same issues with them. You feel trapped and stuck and the only way to move ahead is to move on.

Why not say goodbye first? Because they’ll just make more promises to keep you on the string. They mean it when they say it but it’s quickly forgotten. Although not necessarily as devious and deliberate in number 1, above, the same principle applies. They’ll say whatever it takes to get you to hang on a little longer.

Cut your losses and run.

3. You Lead, They Follow

In my experience over the years, there have those people who were never (or very rarely) the ones to reach out and say, “Hi, how are you doing?” or “Hey, let’s connect for a chat!” Virtually every connection, conversation or visit was initiated by me.

And when I did that, they were bubbly and happy and acted like we were best pals. They “couldn’t wait” to get together.

And they were enthusiastic during the chat or visit. They enjoyed it as much as I did. It’s not like I asked about a visit and got, “Oh, um…actually…uh…I’m busy. They weren’t giving me the brush-off. Their silences weren’t because they decided they didn’t want anything to do with me. They were because of apathy, indifference, selfishness, laziness or — I don’t know. I don’t really give a rat’s @$$ anymore.

I just know that they weren’t bothering. And relationships of all kinds need to be two-way streets.

After years of chasing after them with virtually no reciprocity, I stopped reaching out. I never heard from them. Fine. I’m done wasting my time and energy on those people.

4. More Lopsided Than the Tower of Pisa

And then there are the ones I thought were best friends or dear friends. The ones with whom it used to be reciprocal and close and connected. The ones who supported me as I supported them.

And then it was no longer mutual. I kept reaching out and doing my best to support them with their issues but when the chips were down and I needed them, too, they were nowhere in sight.

5. Growing Apart

People change. They find new interests, they make new friends. Your interactions and conversations gradually become less frequent.

One day, you realise you don’t resonate with them anymore and there’s no point in making a big deal about it; you just move on. It would be weird to ring up and say, “Hey, I’ve noticed that we’ve hardly talked or seen each other for ages so I’m letting you know I won’t be calling again.”

If they happen to reach out now and then, you can be cordial…but at some point, you will both figure out that this just isn’t working and there’s no point.

Summing Up

If a relationship of any kind needs to end, it’s best to evaluate whether or not there’s anything to be gained by officially acknowledging and ending it. A short-term dating period where you’re “just not feelin’ it,” for example, can become an amicable parting of the ways.

But when dealing with bullies, liars, or emotionally immature people, you can forget having a rational conversation or having them understand your need to say “Adios!”

To recap, here are 5 reasons to save your breath and be a ghost:

1. Gaslighters, Manipulators and Liars, Oh, My…
2. Been There, Done That, and for What?
3. You Lead, They Follow
4. More Lopsided Than the Tower of Pisa
5. Growing Apart

Life is way too short to waste time or energy on anyone or anything that doesn’t feel right or contribute to your life in some positive, meaningful way.

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Previously Published on medium

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