James Michael Sama thinks that this aspect of courtship should still exist, and here’s why.
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“It’s 2016. Why are men still paying for women on dates?” Alfie Kohn asks in a recent Boston Globe Magazine article.
He continues: “Men paying for meals may have made more sense when fewer women worked outside the home — and those who did faced a bigger gender wage gap — but today, unmarried women earn, on average, almost as much as single men. Yet traditional gender roles have persisted. Besides, what matters are the two specific people having dinner. If both make a good living, then the man’s paying for her makes precisely as much sense as the woman’s paying for him.”
The flaw in Mr. Kohn’s logic, whose intelligence and accomplishments I hold much respect for, is the idea that a man paying for a date has anything to do with money, at all. In reality, the concept of a chivalrous act that has persisted when many others have diminished, is not financially driven.
Consider: You’ve spotted this woman at your local coffee shop, or grocery store, or tagged in a friend’s Facebook photo. You’ve started up a conversation, and she has agreed to spend some time with you. Let’s keep it simple and say you go to dinner.
Fantastic! You pick her up, open the door, and are a perfect gentleman all night. Then, the bill comes.
The next thing out of your mouth is “So, should we split it?”
A sure way to make your first date, your last.
In my opinion, the man should always pay for dates, at least in the beginning stages of a relationship. But, why? She makes her own money, maybe even more than you. Shouldn’t she split it? Or, maybe even pay for it?
No. And this is why:
Dating is about courtship. Traditionally, men have been the ones to do the pursuing when it came to dating. They had to prove to a woman (and probably her family) that he was serious about getting to know her and being part of her life. This required effort. Planning the date, and yes, even paying for it. But more than that, being creative. Being thoughtful. Paying attention to what she likes and enjoys, and working that in to the equation. All of these things draw the line between just dating and courting.
Courting has a purpose, a purpose that our generations easily lose sight of because they are caught up in the dating game and don’t understand how beautiful it is to actually form a connection with someone.
She doesn’t need you to pay for her dinner, and she might even offer to split it. But damn it you fool, don’t you ever take her up on that offer. She wants to be swept off of her feet, to be romanced, to be valued and appreciated. To be pursued. That is why you pay for the date. It’s symbolic. It’s symbolic like wanting you to kill the spider. To open the door. To slay the dragon.
Many men will then say “But it is about the money, why does the woman always get a free ride?” Well first of all, if you are taking a woman out who is only spending time with you for a free meal, then your instincts may have to be re-calibrated so you don’t spend any more time or money on people like that.
Secondly, dating is not exactly a free ride for a woman. A 2011 Match.com survey uncovered the following statistics:
– 53% of women said they spend money in advance on new outfits and pre-date grooming.
– 65% of women spend more than $50 on preparing for the date.
She might go out and buy new shoes, or get her nails done, or even get her hair done. Do you have any idea what it costs for a manicure, pedicure, and a haircut? Probably more than you will spend on dinner, even at a nice restaurant in the city.
This, however, is still not about the money. It is about feeling good and looking good for you. It is about making a good impression with you and it is about hopefully, in the future, getting to spend more time with you.
But since this all happens behind the scenes, men tend to give a “wow, you look beautiful” at the beginning of the evening and really overlook the work and effort it took to achieve the result they wanted. I don’t care what Beyonce says, they did not “wake up like this.”
Romance is about spending time, not money. Your competency at it will not depend on what you are willing to spend, but on how creative and thoughtful you are going to be. I guarantee you that a woman would rather you put real effort into doing something less expensive together than she would taking her to a five star restaurant and having a lousy time with lousy conversation.
She doesn’t need you to take her out for a nice time, but she wants you to. That’s why she said yes to the date, and she doesn’t care what it costs. There are two things a woman should never touch on a date: The door, and the cheque.
The right woman doesn’t want your car, your money, or gifts. She wants your time, your effort, your honesty, your loyalty, and your respect. Those are the things that are truly valuable.
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This article originally appeared on James Michael Sama
Photo credit: Getty Images
I am 71 years young. A modern man, not an old fool. I was a provider. Throughout my life, it was women who taught me good beneficial lessons… Chivalrous acts are symbolic of respect, they are not financially driven, nor should they be driven by any other motives than the heart. Wealthy men may have a different point of view. Women who expect their dates to pay for their meals are either: 1.) Looking for a provider 2.) Are old school 3.) Hate men 4.) Are users 5.) Worse Please don’t hate me for what women have taught me, it’s… Read more »
I’ve become willing to pay for almost anything just to be able to avoid the mind**** that this topic has become.
With respect, I disagree. The man paying is a throwback to the time when you knew a person and they knew you (maybe through friends) and you were both interested in each other. Now dating is swipe right, text for a week and go out. The man should have to pay $200 for a nice date only to find that he isn’t interested in the female or she isn’t interested in him. I don’t think so. I used to go that way and I payed and payed. One female was 30 pounds heavier than her pics, one lied about her… Read more »
First impressions count. The impressions you make early on in dating count. Sometimes these initial impressions we judge someone on, are infact shallow. I can’t tell you how many times on this very website I’ve heard men detail to me about how important it is he be physically attracted to a woman and that’s the first thing he notices. Shallow? Yes. But it’s still the reality of first impressions. Men care a lot about how you look. A lot. Even to the point where most men today *still* want the privilege of being with younger women. Take a look at… Read more »
Men seeking pretty women is not a privilege because it comes at a cost, possible rejection. Women have the option as well. It’s your right not to exercise it, but don’t blame men for the choice.
John – Everyone is at risk for rejection. Whether it’s initial rejection or whether that guy that told you he had a great time on the first date never calls you again, or your partner breaks up with you 6 months or 10 years down the road. Seriously, you guys need to stop acting like rejection is only something men experience or that men’s experiences with rejection are more significant. I think by engaging in that thought pattern, some of you guys are giving yourself free passes to not see women’s experiences as valid as your own. And actually yes,… Read more »
@ Erin “Everyone is at risk for rejection.” Sure, when they get into “the game”. Women have the “privilege” of remaining on the sidelines though and never getting rejected. “And actually yes, men seeking pretty women *is* a privilege. Men seeking to date women younger then themselves is also a privilege.” No it’s not because unless they have money, or power or fame, they’ll get rejected. Getting rejected is not a privilege. It’s one of those sly inversions. Finding something that really victimizes men and trying to invert it so that it victimizes women. It’s like when people assert that… Read more »
John Anderson I hope you don’t mind if I share some of my thoughts here. There is one thing you forgot ,and men seems to forget all the time when they tell women about their privileges. And it is strange how blind men are to the obvious. What can a man do that a woman can not ? He can start a new family any time in his adult life. Women have only short period ,and when that little window in time is over she has NO possibility to start a family and have children. So it is not that… Read more »
A biological family true, but Erin has maintained that she could raise and love non-biological children as her own. Many men have stated that they can’t. I suspect that there are numerous reasons for that one being that men are not encouraged to rear and they think some how the biological link will overcome years of non-education. The thing is I’ve heard many women say that’s BS. No one knows how to raise a child even women. No one has a natural instinct for it. It’s on the job training. I understand that women have been socially conditioned to be… Read more »
I’m actually not concerned about my reproductive ability. If it happens, it happens. I’ve made my peace with God on this. I actually desire a loving, close, fulfilling relationship that is on a completely different level from what I’ve experienced so far, with a man, more so then kids, at this point at least. I want a soul partner. Even though I love kids. I can always adopt even. And I have an awesome nephew and keep encouraging my brother and sister-in-law to have many more. I get to mother him at times and my sister-in-law is just the best… Read more »
For a brief period in my mid-20’s I dated a woman 2 years older than myself.
She constantly referred to me as her “Little guy”, and finally broke up with me because I allegdely wasn’t experienced enough.
You can’t blame younger men for the dating habits and preferences of older men and younger women, it still takes two to tango.
Women did not create a world that set them up for failure for getting older. Men did. Men created that world. Men lifted themselves up in society and dominated cultural perceptions because they wanted to have power over women. So no, it doesn’t take ‘two to tango’. Our society holds the perceptions it holds today because men have dominated the narrative in almost every industry. Do you honestly think women LOVE living in a world where men believe they have more worth as they get older and women have less worth? Where women are treated like they aren’t deserving of… Read more »
I am a big fan of finding free/inexpensive stuff to do on early dates. Go to the Farmer’s Market. Go to a museum on a free day. Go to the botanical garden. Have coffee. If she bails because you aren’t wining and dining her, she’s a princess. Avoid princesses. That said, at some point if things are progressing you might make a romantic gesture like taking her out to a nice dinner. But you’ve established by that point that you aren’t an ATM. If she loves eating out at expensive restaurants all the time, she should be willing to split… Read more »
“But you’ve established by that point that you aren’t an ATM. ” Smart men, men that are looking for a quality woman that will be their partner and not their dependent establish that on date one. We are still relegate to ask, plan, pay for that first date, but once I decided what I wanted in a woman, everything changed. If she did not pull that wallet out on the first date, her chances of a second were slim. it’s not about the money, not at all. That is just a canard. I’d never accept the offer. I asked her… Read more »
Great article James, you have ignorantly and successfully just:
– indirectly told men to associate female company with money, because our men should always pay while courting noting your above rhetoric
– furthered the deep toxic misogyny of traditional gender roles by telling men what women want (I hear women super love when guys do that)
– reinforced the concepts of toxic masculinity through financial domination and control
Congrats again!
If you can’t find love with a cheap date with fish n chips or something on the beach, you need to find a better class of woman.
Archy
Sharing fish n chips on the beach sounds like quite a romantic date !
On the beach, away from the lights of towns/cities, you get to see an amazing sky of stars. The waves are very relaxing and it’s nice n cool, the sea-breeze smells different and quite refreshing. It truly is magical and I’d love to share that experience with a good woman. Watching sunrise over the ocean would be amazing with a special someone, no real talking but just cuddling on the sand.
If she also loves fishing, that’s a major plus!
You can prepare in advance, and find all the best , most romantic and most beautiful beaches in your part of the country.
I think the women you bring there will love it!
Or have about bird watching early in the morning.
Or at night bat watching…..
Archy I was not sure if you have bats in Australia so I had to look it up.
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=bat+watching+australia&qpvt=bat+watching+australia&view=detail&mid=FA3A3FA68AF23E163B94FA3A3FA68AF23E163B94&FORM=VRDGAR
If a man invited me to a bat hospital ,that would melt my heart 🙂
I’m laughing, Archy.
it’s like the singles ad: Seeking a woman that loves fishing, has her own rig, her own boat. Please send picture of the boat.
“Sharing fish n chips on the beach sounds like quite a romantic date ! ”
Well said, Kim. Location is nothing, depth is everything.
I’m a big fan of equality. To me, this means splitting the bill or taking turns to pay. To my mind I would say this goes for same- or opposite-sex romantic dates and friend-dates. For me it is about fairness, not about chivalry.
I’m a big fan of equality. To me, this means splitting the bill or taking turns to pay. To my mind I would say this goes for same- or opposite-sex romantic dates and friend-dates. For me it is about fairness, not about chivalry.
We need to find the weird science guys and see if we can reproduce this woman…by the thousands.
Men,
The only clear way we can collectively avoid being labeled as “creepy” or “rapists” or just plain unappreciated by women is to collectively dismiss and ignore them. Stop talking to them. Stop ‘liking’ or ‘favoriting/hearting’ their efforts to reinforce their rampant narcissism. Stop paying taxes into a system that does nothing for a single man except suck him dry (without a happy ending). Bring the system down by not participating.
tbk
Yes. And soon America will be great again ……
Dear James,
You are the penultimate mangina. You are no better or more evolved than women that say “I’m entitled to equality, except when it comes to dating. And then I choose to be old-fashioned.”
You’re not part of the solution. You’re part of the problem. Women (and white-knight manginas) can’t have it both ways.
You know, in general I don’t really care about paying for the date (or, the first one, anyway) but BY GOD am I getting sick of people who will say out of one side of their mouths “men and women are equal, gender roles are bad, people should be free to live however they want!” and then out of the other side “but, you know, men still need to be chivalrous, and pay for dates, and go check out what the scary noise is in the middle of the night.” Pick one, will you? Because this whole “women can pick… Read more »
Exactly the point 8ball. If this gentleman had listed 5 reasons for women to stay home, cook and clean, it would not be met well because it would have never made the cut, right? Of course it has nothing to do with spending a few dollars on a date, but everything to do with the double standards, the constant preaching about male sexism while a host of sexist practices against men are so woefully ingrained into the fabric of society that one is seen as a whiner, or worse, a misogynist for even speaking of such. We have an “alleged”… Read more »
You pick her up in that what? Car, talk about pre-date spending. You know how much a car cost, a lot more than a hair cut? Like she isn’t going to get to keep the shoes, right. I think you need to go back a little further. The purpose of dating is to have a good time and not just for her. I think whoever does the asking does the paying so men have every right to be selective, but if she offers, you have every right to accept and here’s why you should. Accepting her offer will tell you… Read more »
If I was a billionaire, I would expect her to split the bill. If I could trust she wasn’t a gold digger, and we fall in love then naturally she gets to share in some of the money but I’d rather just find a sex worker than a gold digger.
Great. I have a whole dissertation on why women should still be barefoot, pregnant and chained to the stove. Anyone want to hear it? Sorry, but silly is as silly does. Likewise all this statistical data being cited? Nonsense. If I were to dig down deep enough, I’d find what I so often find, no viable proof or legitimate reference to support the claim. I know this for two reasons. First is that it’s what I’ve done for so many years in regard to such as father’s rights, pushing for women in sports, debunking radical feminist “studies”, and I’ve come… Read more »
This article is nothing but excuses and reinforcement of the double standards in dating. Women can pay for a date the same as a man. Men want a woman who will take equal responsibility in a relationship. Meaning they can pickup a check the same as man. If you want equality that means you can pickup the check on the date. If you never pickup it up your just using the man for a free meal. No one requires a women to spend $60+ on a date attire. He talks as if men never dress up for a date. She… Read more »
My rule of thumb is that who ever asked for the date should pay for the date since the asker is asking for some of your or her time. However, the night is long and I find that we treat each other as the night progress and I find people who do this are more enjoyable to be around.