Joanna Schroeder insists that dismissing boys’ bad behavior as a natural part of being male is dangerous for both boys and girls.
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I’ve always been a guy’s girl.
Maybe it’s because I have older brothers, and grew up surrounded by boys and boy stuff. One of my best friends is a guy whom I’ve known since we were born, one week apart, in houses separated by a big, shaded park. He and I even lived together as roommates in college, when I was newly diagnosed with Celiac Disease and was still quite sick. Tim was the one who was there to drive me to the hospital when I was at my most ill, and took care of me when I recovered. I also have two great dads—my father and my stepfather. All my life I’ve felt like I understood men and masculinity innately.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have amazing female friendships, I always have. But I don’t really understand women the way I do men. The most fulfilling years of my life have been spent in partnership with the best guy I know—my husband—and as fate would have it, we were gifted with two sons. People ask if we’re going to try for a girl, and while I am sometimes envious when I see my friends’ daughters in their pink hi-tops and pigtail braids, I always say, “Nah, nothing could be better for me than having two sons.”
And sure, these two little ruffians are a mystery to me sometimes—I don’t get the constant need to be making weird or disgusting noises or the obsession with weapons. But if I’m being completely honest, I understand Barbie and her obnoxious pink accessories even less than I do light sabres, so all is well in boyland.
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Maybe that’s why Soraya Chemaly’s compelling essay, “The Problem with ‘Boys Will Be Boys‘” has been needling at me since I read it last week. Chemaly* reflects upon one boy in her daughter’s school who insists upon knocking down her child’s carefully-constructed block castles every day, with no apologies or intervention from his parents. The author explains:
No matter how many times he did it, his parents never swooped in BEFORE the morning’s live 3-D reenactment of “Invasion of AstroMonster.” This is what they’d say repeatedly:
“You know! Boys will be boys!”
“He’s just going through a phase!”
He’s such a boy! He LOVES destroying things!”
“Oh my god! Girls and boys are SO different!”
“He. Just. Can’t. Help himself!”
I tried to teach my daughter how to stop this from happening. She asked him politely not to do it. We talked about some things she might do. She moved where she built. She stood in his way. She built a stronger foundation to the castle, so that, if he did get to it, she wouldn’t have to rebuild the whole thing. In the meantime, I imagine his parents thinking, “What red-blooded boy wouldn’t knock it down?”
I will admit that I’ve said some of these things myself, such as, “He’s such a boy!” and “Girls and boys are so different”—things I never thought, in a million years, I would hear myself say.
As a feminist from a long line of suffragettes and women’s libbers, I hadn’t expected to see such a difference in children’s behavior based upon gender, particularly in our very progressive community, where many kids are free to express gender in any way they see fit. I have a degree in Women’s Studies, and I understand the ways in which we socialize our girls to be sweet and accommodating, while we teach boys to be physical and unyielding. But it wasn’t until I had kids of my own that I saw how often kids fulfill these expectations with minimal parental influence.
Regardless of what is nurture or nature, I agree with Chemaly that excusing bad behavior by saying “boys will be boys” is dangerous. She connects “boys will be boys” mentality with rape culture, saying, “I know it’s a lurid metaphor, but I taught my daughter the preschool block precursor of don’t ‘get raped’ and this child, Boy #1, did not learn the preschool equivalent of ‘don’t rape‘.”
It feels a bit harsh at first, but it’s crucial that we teach our children the fundamentals of consent early on (see The Healthy Sex Talk, Teaching Consent Ages 1-21, which I co-wrote). Teaching kids and teens to see how their actions affect others is crucial in helping end rape culture, and making the world better place in general.
So what is it that is sticking in my ribs about Chemaly’s piece, since I ultimately agree with her? I think it’s the idea that the “boys will be boys” attitude is damaging only for the females who may come into contact with males who are raised under that paradigm. I don’t think that is necessarily what Chemaly believes, or is even asserting, but that is the primary focus of this piece. That “boys will be boys” hurts girls.
But the “boys will be boys” mindset, as it is used in our society today, harms boys and men, too. Here are a few ways both boys and girls are affected:
1. “Boys will be boys” encourages boys to abuse one another, too. I’m not (necessarily) talking about male-on-male rape here, but rather fighting, bullying, destruction of one another’s property, and the assaultive “touch games” like punching one another in the testicles or pinching each other’s nipples—behavior that is often dismissed as boyish hazing.
When we dismiss these behaviors as “boys will be boys” we’re telling the boys who don’t enjoy this type of physicality that they aren’t “real” boys, and we effectively silence them and force them to hide the hurt or humiliation they may experience as a result.
2. “Boys will be boys” is a prescriptive form of masculinity that is limiting to boys who may not be the little brutes our society says they should be. It shames boys who are sensitive, boys who don’t like getting dirty or wrecking things, and boys who don’t perform their gender in any other way society dictates they should.
It also limits the behavior of girls. I think of Victoria, whom my older son has been playing with since they were babies. Victoria has always loved playing with Izz because of their shared passion for mud, bugs, frogs, and elaborate imagination games where they are paleontologists or archaeologists, digging in flowerbeds and sandboxes until they’re both caked in dirt. Victoria loves pink dresses and flowery headbands as much as she loves having a frog jump onto her lap.
If we teach that these are strictly boyish behaviors, then we also limit collaborative boy-girl friendships like the one between Izz and Victoria. And ultimately, buying into the “boys will be boys” mindset limits any child whose interests and behaviors fall outside of our rigid gender binary.
3. “Boys will be boys” excuse-making sets up a pattern of gendered perpetration and victimhood that hurts everybody. When we hear one boy’s bad behavior dismissed as just a natural part of masculinity, we teach girls that they are helpless against the things males are supposedly biologically programmed to do to them. Worse, as Chemaly points out, we teach boys that they are, inherently, out-of-control beasts with no option but to follow their first instincts, regardless of who may get hurt.
And yes, dismissing unkind, thoughtless, selfish or even dangerous behavior as inherently boyish teaches our sons that part of being male means harming others and being careless with their feelings. Which is, of course, an utterly incorrect generalization about men. You don’t have to go far in our world to meet amazing men who show that masculinity is characterized as much by strength of body as by strength of character—as well as compassion, nurturing, empathy and so much more.
Beyond that, expecting that aggression is natural in boys, but not in girls, dismisses the feelings and experiences of boys who may experience bullying or abuse perpetrated by a female.
4. When we use the “boys will be boys” excuse, we don’t give boys the skills they need to deal with feelings of frustration, or to ask clearly and directly for what they need emotionally. Instead of teaching our sons verbal skills and collaborative play, we are sending them out into the world missing some very crucial lessons that could help them succeed in their relationships, as well as in their professional lives.
5. Dismissing truly bad behavior as “boys will be boys” taints some of the really fantastic behavior that we typically think of as boyish. Getting dirty, making mud pies, digging giant holes, chasing lizards, catching bugs, good-natured wrestling or even playing “war” are all generally sen as boy stuff. But regardless of whether boys or girls are involved, those forms of play encourage creativity, scientific thinking, compassion for smaller creatures, organizational play, and problem-solving.
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Boys deserve more than to be stereotyped or disregarded. Society sells boys short when we propagate the myth that they simply cannot control themselves. It’s time to lay “boys will be boys” to rest, once and for all. For the benefit of both boys and girls.
Photo: Flickr/David
*The original author of this article was noted incorrectly, it has since been corrected.
Great article, Joanna. (I think it’s funny that the first thing I read in the comments was that the commenter doesn’t always agree with you–and I was thinking I would say the same thing). Truth is, like I said to a friend of mine a few months ago: I think we want the same things, and agree on the big picture, sometimes we’re just coming from two different places. One of the places I’m coming from is having grown up a sensitive boy in the “boys will be boys” world you describe. Coming out of it, I realized the obvious… Read more »
I have raised two boys and a girl.I come from a family of 6 girls and three boys.I have been a coach/mentor of girls and boys for 13 years or so.I grew up on the west coast (SF) in the fifties, sixties and seventies,a hot bed for feminists thought and activity,in a feminist’s household.I know as much about “Women’s history” as I do my own,”African American history”.Both Women’s history and African American history are based upon theories that have been tested over enough time to for us to begin to draw some conclusions.The problem with theories is that they are… Read more »
I respectfully disagree with you.Nobody is saying that “boys are just being boys” people are saying, why do boys deviant and what separates them from the general population? Why do boys bully boys and girls while girls only bully girls? Its simple, bullies choose targets that they percieve to be physically cally weaker than themselves, boys are typically stronger than other boys and girls while few girls are stronger than boys which is why they bully within their gender. I see it at as myopic to teach kids “not to rape” the message is completely ideological and forces guilt onto… Read more »
Histories
I definitely do NOT think we should only be teaching boys not to rape. We should be teaching everyone not to rape.
We need to be teaching everyone to read others’ faces, understand others’ responses, and how to communicate in a healthy way about sex and body boundaries. All of this has to be done while teaching children, in a loving way, to have empathy for others.
It is absolutely a lesson for all genders, and all sexualities. Not just men or straight men.
“I respectfully disagree with you.Nobody is saying that “boys are just being boys” people are saying, why do boys deviant and what separates them from the general population? Why do boys bully boys and girls while girls only bully girls? Its simple, bullies choose targets that they percieve to be physically cally weaker than themselves, boys are typically stronger than other boys and girls while few girls are stronger than boys which is why they bully within their gender.” Bob, while I respectfully agree with the rest of your comment, you’ve neglected a segment of the population whose needs we… Read more »
“girls only bully girls”
That is not true at all. Girls often bully boys, but it’s not taken seriously.
Why do boys bully boys and girls while girls only bully girls? Its simple, bullies choose targets that they percieve to be physically weaker than themselves, boys are typically stronger than other boys and girls while few girls are stronger than boys which is why they bully within their gender. But there is a lot more to percieved weakness than the physical. I agree that bullies choose to harass those they see as weaker than themselves aka those they think they can wield power and control over. Just like with abuse that power and control can be wielded physically, financially,… Read more »
Good call, Danny; since not all methods of bullying involve physical strength, but can involve more psychological techniques, girls are by no means limited to bullying just other girls, and in fact I was bullied or felt under threat of bullying throughout most of my teens – I think about the time my parents split up, so it was a time of emotional vulnerability maybe, or as I’ve said elsewhere, it may have been my dyspraxia that singled me out as unusual; being “bad at games” being one of the standard reasons for boys bullying other boys, particularly when you… Read more »
Lucy bullies Charlie Brown, doesn’t she? We’d count that as bullying, and that relationship has enough resonance and cultural recognition – everyone who reads Peanuts thinks, “yes, we knew a girl like that.” don’t they? As a matter of fact yes. As I think about this topic more I’m slowly drawing the conclusion that the reason girls are rarely perceived as bullies is due to the very same gender roles that perceive them as weak. Problem is the solutions to this are only addressing one end of the puzzle. We can’t perceive girls as weak. They are fully capable human… Read more »
Wonderful article. My favorite part: “But if I’m being completely honest, I understand Barbie and her obnoxious pink accessories even less than I do light sabres, so all is well in boyland.” Bless you. I think that scene where the boy keeps knocking over the girl’s blocks is a very illustrative one. I see it in terms of personal boundaries and independence, not so much as a strictly gendered interaction. I get it that kids have poor impulse control and the blocks were tempting. I could maybe consider “kids will be kids” the first time he knocked it down, but… Read more »
‘Boys will be boys’ is NEVER an acceptable excuse for bad behavior! There’s very few phrases or sayings that get under my skin more! Think about it. What someone’s really saying when they state that is that young males just can’t help themselves from physically abusing people, and if you happen to be the biggest kid in your class (as my friends son was) why, your expected to be this physical brute. No sir, no love of poetry or music for you! Why look at your size! You have a roll in life to live up to! This is one… Read more »
“2. “Boys will be boys” is a prescriptive form of masculinity that is limiting to boys who may not be the little brutes our society says they should be.” And forcing these little brutes to act in a passive manner is constrictive — wait a sec “little brutes???”
Seeing as Joanna is coming at this as a mother of boys, and seeing as the rest of the tone of this article is, though serious, still somewhat playful with language…I don’t think I’m reaching too far by suggesting that her use of the phrase, “little brutes,” was meant to be a playful description of childishly destructive behaviour, rather than a serious condemnation of that behaviour. (Could that sentence have any more words in it? lol). Anyway, socialisation, in all its forms, is about modifying behaviour. That’s the whole point…teaching children how to behave so that they can get along… Read more »
Yes, society often tells little boys that they have to be tough, unyielding, and have no feelings.
Obviously I’m not saying boys are brutes, I’m saying that society sets up a binary of men as brutes and girls as delicate and helpless.
And I’m saying, Joanna- as a father of children of both genders- that the sugar & spice…. trope was shot down years ago… If it ever had any footing in the real world.. Because once you get below the 1%- females and males are rough and tumble for 99.99% of human existence… Sure this was an ideal…
Spend some time with a woman who wrings chicken’s necks and get back to me about how frail her society wants her to be…
Come on- 35 up years ago I was elk hunting, bar drinking & rock climbing with women….
See, Drew, you think you’re disagreeing with me but you’re actually agreeing with me. Of course I, of all people, do not think that women are frail and men are brutish. I’m talking about the rigid binary we put boys and girls into. You’re right, it never did have footing in the real world. I think it’s part of post-industrial society, particularly in the Nuclear Family, to believe it to be so. But my family comes from farm stock and my grandmother could probably have picked up and carried a Volkswagen! In my family, I’m the one who takes care… Read more »
I don’t think that is Joanna herself saying they are brutes but that society overall considers them to be brutes.
Thank you for this. While Chemaly’s piece was excellent, I had the same issue with it that you did.
> Chemaly points out, we teach boys that they are, inherently, out-of-control beasts with no option but to follow their first instincts, regardless of who may get hurt.
I think Chamaly is telling us how she perceives boys and men here. If we were actually teaching boys that, that’s how boys and men would be but in reality the only people that are like that, are people with personality disorders and people with personality disorders come in both male and female.
Great view on this phenomenon. My challenge with our two boys is a bit different: my oldest tends to be sensitive about things, and can verbalize what he thinks and feels pretty well for an 8 year old. My youngest doesn’t have that. He tends to react physically. We work as diligently as well can to show him what is and isn’t appropriate reaction. But when I drop them off at my ex-wife’s house I worry that behavior isn’t curtailed or even monitored. It’s admittedly odd to think your kids could bully each other…but it’s certainly a worry for me.
The original author wrote from her perspective as the parent of a daughter, so I can’t fault her for not including the damage out of control boys inflict on other boys.
As I think about how little a-holes can grow up to be big a-holes (though not necessarily) I thought of Kenny’s Mercedes in Breaking Bad. Walt’s act struck a blow for meek people everywhere.
Meant to add that I do appreciate you including boys, Joanna.
Oh yeah, I don’t fault her either. It just stuck with me as missing something really big.
Certainly I write about what affects boys without necessarily talking about girls every time, too, as the mom of boys.
I like Soraya Chemaly a lot, and I really found her article compelling. I just think it needed someone with an eye on boys’ issues to elaborate on the boys’ issues.
This article is spot on. I Have two sons and have been working with boys and teenagers for many years in youth work and counselling. ‘Boys’ will be boys’ mantra adds to the emotional restrictive trauma that many boys have to navigate on a daily basis. Many boys are hurting and seek to hide their shame by been aggressive because that is the only sanctioned emotion they are conditioned to express.
Parents hide behind this concept and instead of challenging it would rather medicate boys as a way of coping.
interesting…
Interesting read.
So then who gets to define what “bad” behavior amongst young people is? I find the little social/psychological games that young girls play with each to be just as damaging and traumatizing over the long-term than much of what young boys do, yet very few people seem to want address that. It seems more and more like boys are just an easy target because their behavior is more visible. But I got into dozens of fights as a young man, and nothing bad really ever came out of it. I just learned not to fight as an adult because the… Read more »
Oh DD I totally agree with you. It would’ve been a 3000 word dissertation if I’d taken that on in this essay. The “mean girl” shit starts really early with little girls, from what I’ve seen. Around age 4 in school. Exclusion, teasing, gossiping. Again, these are generalizations just as I generalized about boys knocking things over and tackling or hitting. Again, great parents will step in and instruct their girls to think of the other children’s feelings, to use communication skills to help and not hurt, etc. I think most parents do this when they see it happening, but… Read more »
Fair enough. I appreciate your response.
Great essay, Joanna! Sometimes I feel like such a nudge hovering over my son and his friends, but it seems the minute I turn away and let the leash loosen up, I see stuff happening….an older boy threw 3 firecrackers at my 12 yo son and his friends…luckily they were not injured seriously….luckily they called the police….and luckily we identified the culprit and he got punished by the assistant principal…(the same kid threw firecrackers at a bunch of 6th graders before this incident!)….who knows what is going on at home with this kid….after the firecracker incident he was seen getting… Read more »
I often have a hard time agreeing with the things you write, but this is a wonderfully compassionate perspective, Joanna, and I found myself nodding in agreement throughout. It’s been a long time since my school days, but I have seen first-hand how “boys will be boys” provides an excuse for many boys (who become men) to simply behave badly. There are boundary issues at play there than can stick with the boys as they grow up. I also remember clearly how confusing it was to be harassed by girls (who become women), how hard it was to be taken… Read more »