Hi! You’re the Problem; It’s You!

Shoutout to Taylor Swift!

Are you ready for a dose of tough love sprinkled with a bit of humor and a dash of sass? Well, “hold onto your butts” because I’m about to hit you with some possible truth bombs if you’re still single and can’t seem to figure out why, maybe it’s time to take a good hard look in the mirror (metaphorically, of course) and consider that maybe, just maybe, you’re the reason for your own singledom. Maybe you’re your worst enemy.

But don’t worry; I’m not here to shame, judge or belittle you. I’m here to help you take a deep dive into the world of dating and relationships and come out the other side with a better understanding of why you’re still swiping left. So grab a glass of wine (or your preferred beverage of choice), and let’s keep it real, shall we?

As much as we hate to admit it, sometimes we can be the problem when it comes to dating. I’m hoping this article will allow you to take a moment to reflect on some of the common mistakes that could be keeping you single.

First of all, I don’t know you. But I love ya! As a matter of fact, I love most humans. Even if you’re a bit of an asshole, cause I’m a bit of an asshole, too.

TRIGGER WARNING — This article is not for the faint of heart.

(Also, if you’re “happily single,” “don’t want a relationship,” “don’t need no one,” “single by choice,” and all the other cliches you can muster. Please stop reading. This article is not for you. It’s for people who genuinely want something real)

I’ve been consulting and have been coaching in the realm of dating for about seven years now.

I AM NOT A DATING EXPERT.

I don’t know how anyone could be. Everyone has so many nuances it would be impossible to be an expert on dating and relationships.

But I have learned one thing.

There seems to be a common denominator when it comes to around 70% of the people I’ve coached.

They’re the problem.

They are the reason they are single.

1. Let’s talk about Sarah.

Sarah was a successful woman in her thirties who had been single for several years. She had tried every dating app, and gone on countless dates; she was an attractive woman, and getting dates was not the problem. She had never taken the time to truly reflect on her own behavior and how it could be impacting her dating life. Sarah was always looking for someone who met her long list of criteria, which made her extremely picky and difficult to please.

Sarah decided to take a step back and work on herself. She started practicing forgiveness and learned to let go of past hurt and pain that other f**k boys had left her with. She also took a hard look at her expectations and realized that some of them were slightly unrealistic. She learned to be more open-minded and accepting of people who didn’t fit her ideal mold.

Through self-reflection, Sarah was able to improve her self-awareness and see that she was her own worst enemy problem. She learned that being single was not a curse but an opportunity to work on herself and become a better person. She stopped looking for someone to complete her and started to love herself for who she was.

A few months later, Sarah met a man who was nothing like the type she usually went for. He was kind and caring and made her laugh. They started dating, and Sarah realized that all her previous relationships had been missing one important thing: self-love. She was finally able to find happiness in a relationship because she had learned to love herself first.

Be more like Sarah. (Side note this applies to both genders — but Sarah was an old client of mine)

2. How did we get here?

I don’t even blame today’s modern daters, to be honest. After all, “self-love” is completely different from its initial etymology. This current “self love” culture offers nothing of self-reflection, accountability, responsibility, or a deep look in the mirror.

The concept of self-love has evolved over time and may have deviated from its original meaning.

Social media influence: I hate to go there as it’s route one for every writer. But it’s true! One of the most significant factors contributing to the misinterpretation of self-love is social media. Studies have shown that social media platforms can encourage self-promotion and narcissism rather than authentic self-reflection and growth (Buffardi & Campbell, 2008). The constant comparison to others and the pressure to present a perfect image may lead to a shallow understanding of self-love.

Consumerism: Many companies exploit the concept of self-love to sell products and services, associating self-love with material possessions or indulgence in experiences; they leach off modern trends like spiked-up harpies looking for their next financial fix. This commodification of self-love can detract from its deeper, more introspective aspects.

Misunderstanding of psychological concepts: The popularization of psychological concepts in mainstream media and self-help literature can sometimes result in oversimplification or misinterpretation from various armchair therapists and people who express extreme biases for their own previous trauma. For example, the idea of self-esteem has been misconstrued by some as a sense of entitlement or self-centeredness rather than a healthy sense of self-worth (Twenge & Campbell, 2009).

The Focus on individualism: The emphasis on individualism directly contributes to a limited understanding of self-love. Individualism can prioritize personal desires and needs above collective well-being, which may result in a self-centered interpretation of self-love that neglects the importance of empathy, compassion, and responsibility towards others.

Lack of emphasis on self-awareness and self-reflection: Self-love requires a deep understanding of oneself, including one’s strengths and weaknesses. Unfortunately, there is often a lack of emphasis on self-awareness and self-reflection in modern education and culture, which can hinder the development of a holistic and balanced sense of self-love.

However you want to address it, the same message is promoted everywhere. You hear all these terrible phrases:

“Do you”

“I’m a 10.”

“Looking for someone worthy enough to date me.”

“Prove me wrong.”

“I’m the whole table.”

“What do they bring to the table for me!?”

“They didn’t impress me.”

“I’m the whole package.”

“If you don’t have a,b,c etc, you can’t date me.”

“I’m not on a date to see if they like me I’m here to see if I like them.”

“If they want me, they have to chase me.”

And the list goes on. Do you know of any cliches? Sound off in the comments.

The commonality to all of these phrases.

Me, myself, and I.

These statements and phrases don’t really take into account that another person is in the equation or that the other person may have concerns about the exact same things you do; furthermore, if they’re even brazen enough to exclaim any of those points at all.

So you might very well be the problem.

When you fantasize or have these grandiose notions of you holding all the cards and having maximum control over any dating or relationship outcome, it never ends well. People are not stupid; if you truly think so dangerously highly of yourself, it seeps into your personality. However, most people won’t tell you. It’s a turn-off.

Let’s go a little deeper and figure out why:

3. Maybe you find it difficult to forgive?

Sometimes when you’re dating someone, in a relationship, or when you’re in the early stages of possibly being in a relationship, you are going to have disagreements; in fact, it’s almost guaranteed. These could be due to things like:

• Different communication styles
• Attachment styles
• Cognitive biases
• Sociocultural factors
• Individual differences

It’s kinda like making pancakes. You start with a variety of ingredients (individual differences, attachment styles, and cognitive biases), and you’re not quite sure how they’ll all come together. As you mix the batter (forming a relationship), you might find some lumps (disagreements) due to different consistencies (communication styles) or the heat setting on your stove (sociocultural factors).

You may even burn the first pancake or two (early conflicts), but as you learn to adjust the heat and get a feel for the process (improving communication and understanding each other), you’ll eventually make a stack of deliciously amazing pancakes (a healthy, stable relationship) that you both can enjoy together.

When you date someone, you always want to ensure you have the most alignment you could possibly muster, but you’re never going to fully align and agree on everything. Perhaps you have an argument or disagreement. Maybe it’s about a sensitive subject. But if you’re not willing to forgive, you may never find that person that you’re truly supposed to be with. Because in your mind, “this shouldn’t be happening so soon!”

There is no perfect time for a disagreement.

The strongest relationships you know of, the most successful marriages and partnerships, have only gotten to where they have with the highest degree of forgiveness. If you’ve earnestly been trying to find a relationship for a decade or more, and it just hasn’t happened. Maybe you need to learn how to forgive.

Maybe.

If this isn’t the issue, let’s go to point number 4.

4. Maybe you’re extremely picky?

The person that turns around and says, they must love dogs. They must only have dogs that are adopted, They must be at least six foot two, They must have six figures, They must phone their mom at least three times a week, They must wear white sneakers with black sweatpants, They have to dress well, and the list goes on. These are unnecessary, silly asks that don’t have much to do with how a functioning relationship works.

Sounds a little asinine, right? But people are lost in the sauce with this train of thought.

You might be extremely picky because you have been misled to believe that there are thousands of suitable and compatible matches out there for you. Whilst there are lots of options, it doesn’t mean that they’re good options or that they’re even close to being truly compatible with YOU. The more I dated, the more I realized how truly hard it is to find someone with whom you uniquely balance each other out. In an article called Online Dating: A Critical Analysis From the Perspective of Psychological Science, they highlight something called the Illusion of choice. The abundance of dating options, especially through online dating and social media, can create an illusion of choice, leading individuals to believe they can always find someone better (Finkel et al., 2012). This perception may result in high standards and increased pickiness when selecting potential partners.

Unfortunately, many feel like there are 100,000s options for you, which there are to some degree, but it doesn’t mean that they are the right option for you or that would even like you.

5. Maybe you have no self-awareness

You might have self-esteem that’s way too high. For example, whenever I would consult with someone and ask how they’d rate themselves overall (Looks, status, financial, physical, sociable, etc.) and they would say,

“I’m a 10”.

I knew I’d be in for a bumpy ride. Significantly high confidence and delusion, unfortunately for some people, go hand in hand. Now, before everyone goes crazy, I buy into self-love. I buy into the fact that you are an incredible person and you can do everything that you want to do, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But we’ve reached a point where it borderlines an extreme spectrum of narcissism and arrogance. Take it from a man who has had to suppress this and learn the hard way as I used to be a lot more ignorantly confident, but I was humbled numerous times. I had to learn my lessons in a way that caused deep-rooted emotional pain as I was too stubborn to heed the first warning.

Sometimes people think so highly of themselves to the point that they literally think that no one is good enough for them. This is a dangerous bridge to cross. So much so that coming back from it might not be so easy. Bad habits can be picked up as soon as you breathe. Good habits are much harder to master or return back to.

Believing that no one is good enough for you is like being a self-appointed king or queen of a shitty imaginary kingdom, ruling over a realm of unrealistic expectations. As you sit atop your throne of inflated self-importance, you may find yourself surrounded by subjects (potential partners) who never seem to measure up to your royal decree.

The drawbridge to your castle of ego is raised so high that crossing back to the land of reason and humility becomes a Herculean task that not even Dwayne Johnson can muster. While it’s easy to don the crown of arrogance with a simple puff of your chest, reclaiming the more modest garb of self-awareness and empathy can feel like a quest for a long-lost treasure.

So, before your kingdom becomes a barren wasteland of missed opportunities, it’s wise to lower the drawbridge, embrace vulnerability, and welcome the possibility that there may indeed be worthy suitors in the realm who could enrich your royal court of love and companionship and remove thine own lips from thine own ass.

The people that these “10’s” deem to be good enough for them have usually mastered the sociopathic art of appearing to be a great catch; refer to my article about asymmetric dating.

Jump off that pedestal and leave any kind of unnecessary entitlement that you have; learn to be realistic and grounded in your expectations.

“Sit down (hol’ up, lil’, hol’ up, lil’ bitch) — Kendrick Lamar

Be humble (hol’ up, bitch)”

6. Maybe you fear rejection

A lot of men have to pursue women in order to date; if you don’t, you’ll be lucky to get 20 women to approach you in your entire life, so for the most part, it’s up to the men. In a man’s world, “closed mouths don’t get fed.” Yes, even in 2022, it’s still expected that the man will push things forward and pursue the lady in question.

Rejection is a daily occurrence for most men who are actively trying to date. It’s just kind of what happens. But because of this old traditional notion, there are some women who refuse to put themselves out there because they’re not open to the idea of being rejected. It’s not really all their fault. The societal norm continues to shove this down our throats. Traditional gender roles have long dictated that men should be the pursuers in romantic relationships, while women are expected to be more passive and receptive; even some of the most ardent feminists live by these rules. This dynamic may lead women to be less comfortable with the idea of facing rejection, as they are not as accustomed to actively seeking out partners and risking rejection in the process.

Some women may be more hesitant to put themselves out there due to the fear of being judged or criticized by others. Societal expectations around femininity and attractiveness can contribute to this fear, as women may worry that being rejected will reflect poorly on their desirability or self-worth, or some idiot might think she’s “easy” for being brave enough to speak to a man.

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

If anyone is serious about building a life with someone, you have to embrace rejection because the more rejection you get, the closer you are to embracing who you want to be with.

When you go to the gym, and you’re performing dumbbell curls, your muscles are tearing, and they have to repair themselves. They get bigger because you pushed your muscles to curl failure and couldn’t push past the max reps. But over time, your body acclimates, it’s molded, and you can lift heavier weights.

Rejection works the same way.

GO FOR NO!

7. Maybe you’re TOO independent.

The notion of being super successful. Independent, doing you, going out there, and getting stuff done is now a cliche. If you wanted true independence, why even bother to date? Look, being single and independent definitely has its place and should be a growth journey for everyone. But it was never meant to be long-term. It’s just not scalable long-term, and as humans, we’re made for each other and not born to be alone.

From an evolutionary perspective, humans are social animals, and pair-bonding has been an essential aspect of our species’ survival and reproduction. Forming partnerships allows for the sharing of resources, cooperation in raising offspring, and mutual protection, which increases the likelihood of individual and group survival (Dunbar, 2010). I almost hate giving a caveman “down to the root cause” example, but I struggle to understand how to get through to people that live in this bubble of singledom being the best option.

Look, keeping it a hundred percent real. I love it. When I’m in a relationship, I want someone to need me. To need me for support. To need me to have a conversation with, to need me for affection, and all the rest. The same exact way I need her. People in relationships need each other. But we’ve somehow taken independence to an unattractive extreme where it is so much cooler to say:

“I want someone, I don’t need someone.”

Everyone needs someone.

Why is there so much pushback on this?

Learn the difference between interdependence and independence. The more independent a person is, the less likely they can have a long-term relationship. I believe the longer someone has not been married, or in a long-term relationship, the longer someone’s used to being independent and by themselves; it becomes extremely difficult to now merge with another person and put your lives together for the two to become one. Interdependence suggests that partners recognize and value the importance of the emotional bond they share while maintaining a solid sense of self within the relationship dynamic. How could you do that with someone who says they don’t need you?

An interdependent person recognizes the value of vulnerability, being able to turn to their partner in meaningful ways to create emotional intimacy. They also value a sense of self that allows them and their partner to be themselves without any need to compromise who they are or their values system.

8. Maybe you waste time!

I’ve heard so many people say, “I’m so confused as to what happened. Why am I not finding the person of my dreams”. I spent ten years after college focusing on my career, and now I’ve gotten to where I want. And I’m looking for a relationship; I’m not getting any great potential matches or good first dates.

The universe doesn’t work like this. Imagine if an NBA draft pick decided they wouldn’t play a single NBA game for ten years. They want to work on training and drills and then be ready to play a full season. They hit 31 and, after ten years, played their first NBA game.

What would be the outcome?

They’d be awful! Yet this is the mentality of so many people. Date and have fun in your 20’s. When the 30s come around, you’ll find someone, fall in love, and have a relationship. But that’s seldom the case, and a lot of people are learning the hard way.

The best boxers in the world have been boxing since they were eight or seven years old; they’ve been doing it their whole life. Finding a lifelong partner is a lifelong journey. You can still focus on your career. You can still focus on your parents, your dog, your family, your best friends, and all that, but don’t be afraid to let someone in. Don’t be afraid to try!

9. Maybe you’ve never really been single?

I once went on a first date, and she spoke about how she hadn’t been in a relationship for six years.

Me: you’ve really been single for six years?

Her: yeah, it’s rough out there, right?

Me: Have you dated anyone in 6 years?

Her: yeah, I dated a few people, but I haven’t had any relationships.

Me: How long did you date those people?

Her: 6 months here, nine months there.

So the definition of single has changed. People could date a bunch of other people for almost a year, but because there’s no title on it, they’re both still “single.” How could anyone even keep a healthy relationship if no one stuck around or even tried to make a “real one” work?

To me, being single means, actually, not dating and no hooking up or anything romantic with the opposite sex. That’s being single. A first, second, or third date is still considered single, IMO. But once you’re actively dating the same singular person consistently, you’re no longer single.

So when someone says they’ve been single for years. Dig deeper and find out what they mean by that.

I hope some of this helps you. Please take some time to get introspective.

Are you ready to take your first dates from mediocre to mind-blowing? Look no further, my friends! I have the secret weapon you need in my new book, “The First Date Fix,” available now on Amazon. With practical tips and advice for making a great impression on your first date, you’ll be well on your way to finding love or at least having a fun and enjoyable evening. Plus, for even more dating tips and tricks, make sure to follow me on Instagram, Pinterest, TikTok, and Youtube. I promise you won’t regret it. Don’t let another first date pass you by without making the most of it. Get “The First Date Fix” today and start your journey to success in the dating world!

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM and republished with permission.

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