Hitting Rock Bottom

I thought I was strong because I kept going. Because I endured. But real strength isn’t suffering in silence — it’s knowing when to reach out before it’s too late.

It’s All To Much

There is so much pain still inside, and I’m having explosive bouts of anger and sadness over the most stupid of things — uncontrollable. I hope this stops soon.

Ok, here come the tears. Reflecting on things… fuck, I’m so blind.

After everything we’ve been through, you were there for me, by my side, trying to hold me up as you fell. And I was incapable of doing the most simple thing you asked — reassure you. I couldn’t. I could have, but I just couldn’t. There was so much in my head. I wanted to tell you so much, but I didn’t want to, because I was already in enough pain — screaming from the inside, suffocated from within.

But still, you were there. That’s real love. Real, real pure love. And I couldn’t do the simplest thing. Slipping and slipping into oblivion, on autopilot to destruction.

I see it now — as if, if I could have just done that for you, it would have lifted you up. Not completely, but a lot. And then that day, you would have been there to hold me when I hit the bottom. But instead, I pushed you further and further away.

I broke. I had to break. I had to break that day to be reborn. But you would have been there — just.

All I wanted in that last minute was to feel loved. I needed a hug, a cuddle, even just an arm on the shoulder — that’s all I needed in that moment. Then, we could have gotten me the help I so clearly needed and wanted, but was too afraid to ask for.

Afraid of being judged. Afraid of being labeled. Afraid of the stigma, of people thinking I was weak. I thought I was strong because I was still going, thinking I could sort it out myself, wanting to show how strong I was. But I see now how wrong I was.

I pushed you away so much, you broke too. You had to do you at that moment — I totally understand that now. We both went into fight-or-flight mode.

But you know what I should have said? Instead of ranting and shouting, I should have just said, please, just listen to me. Please don’t go anywhere. I’m going to the hospital. I’m going to call 111 and get the help I need.

You said that to me when you found me. But all I wanted then was to feel loved. It could have been anyone — even Billy the Quid or Naked Martin covered in shit — I just wanted to feel something.

And the most amazing woman in the world — you, the one person I would have wanted there more than anything — was there. And you’re still the one I want holding my hand on my last day on earth.

I was telling myself all last week to call someone, to talk to someone. But I was too focused on our mess, still wanting to think I could somehow pull it all back.

Let’s be real — I had no fucking chance. Not while I was like that. Not until I got help.

I think even then, time apart would have been good for us both.

But I needed that to happen. I needed to hit the bottom.

I just wish you had been there, holding me in some way while I got up and finally got the help I so clearly needed.

Reflections

That was painful.

But pain has a way of teaching us things we couldn’t see before. As much as I wish things had been different, I know now that I had to hit rock bottom to finally understand — to finally see the damage I was doing to myself and the people I loved.

I can’t change the past, but I can change what I do now. I’m getting the help I should have reached for a long time ago. I’m facing the things I ran from, the fears that kept me trapped in my own head. It’s not easy. Some days, it feels unbearable. But I am doing it.

If you’re struggling, if you feel like you’re screaming from the inside and no one hears you — please, don’t wait like I did. Reach out. Say the words, even if they scare you. Even if you think no one will understand. Because the truth is, people do care.

And sometimes, all it takes is speaking up before it’s too late.

Call to Action:

If you’re drowning in your own thoughts, if the weight of everything feels unbearable — don’t wait for rock bottom. Talk to someone. Call a friend, a helpline, a doctor. Say the words, even if they terrify you. Because there is help. There is hope. And you are not alone, The fall might be inevitable but its all about how you land and who is there.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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