Bryce Mathern has six strategies for being present when a man is opening up.
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Recently, I was enjoying lunch with a friend and we were talking about how hard it is for men to attend couple’s therapy. He was saying that often times he doesn’t really feel safe exploring his softer side in this context. He believes the reason men are afraid is the experience they have with women when they do show vulnerability. In his experience, he didn’t feel like his vulnerability was met with an open, safe tenderness. Instead, he noticed the woman was unable to hold his discomfort and he then responded by pulling back.
Here’s the painful pattern that emerged from my research with men: We ask them to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they’re afraid, but the truth is that most women can’t stomach it.- Brené Brown
Brené Brown speaks to this issue really well. I have seen this in my own life. I have gotten to that point of opening my vulnerable parts and instead of being met with tenderness I was met with solutions, judgment, and withdrawal. The woman wanted desperately to connect with me and failed to show up when the moment happened. I was left hanging out to dry.
In those moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust. And men are very smart. They know the risks, and they see the look in our eyes when we’re thinking, C’mon! Pull it together. Man up. – Brené Brown
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Women want to engage with a man in those vulnerable places but when it comes to actually going there themselves, sometimes, they can’t handle it.
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I realized after the conversation with my friend how little I read about women’s struggle with their own emotional issues. So often I read about men not showing up in relationship and women’s frustration with this. That is the most common meta-narrative I see in our culture; men have been repressing their emotions and the woman’s job is to help him open and become the emotional support she wants and needs. The woman begins to demand more intimacy and connection. The man shuts down and withdraws. She gets frustrated by this and then demands he goes to therapy with her.
This can be such a predictable process. The problem with the narrative is that the issue is all on the man. In all of this I think what gets missed is how the woman is relating in a way that doesn’t get her needs met. This is not to set up some men against women argument or say that women are really the problem. What I would like to see is more balance out there. Men don’t show up sometimes but the way women are attempting to “help” men is not working very well either.
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There’s a better way for women to relate to men:
Don’t demand.
In order for a man to share some of his softer, emotional parts he needs to make the decision on his own. Demanding emotional support is only going to shut the man down.
Show your own vulnerability.
You want someone to be vulnerable you need to take the lead and show your soft parts. In so many of my relationships, I have been told that I wasn’t expressing my emotions enough. However, the women I have been with were not willing to show their vulnerable side to. In some ways, their demanding of my vulnerable side was a way of avoiding their own issues. You want the man to be more available you need to be willing to express your fear and anxiety.
Hold your seat.
When a man does finally start to express things – slow down and listen. Don’t provide anything towards solutions, ideas, or interruptions. Just listen. Listening means hearing the words, noticing how you are feeling and being present in your body. If you are thinking about your rebuttal, planning a grocery list, or judging what your man is saying, he will know this and he will shut down.
Acknowledge him.
For most men in our culture, we are told over and over that showing emotion is weak. Men don’t want to feel weak. When you get a man to show you his vulnerable side help change this message. Tell your man that you appreciate his willingness to be vulnerable. Let him know how much courage it takes to share his feelings.
Take up Less space.
When one person is holding all of the emotions in the relationship it actually allows the other member of the relationship to get off the hook. So women, stop doing all of the work in the relationship. Take responsibility for your feelings but don’t take responsibility for your man’s feelings. If he doesn’t want to express how his day was or be in togetherness time then let him have his space. I think you’ll find that if you step back and give your man more space he’ll find it easier to take on some of the emotional relating.
Honor differences.
Some women believe that the man doesn’t want to connect. However, as couples therapist Brent Atkinson points out, much of this struggle is just about differences. Atkinson says that some people have a nervous system wired for independence first and some people are wired for togetherness first. If a man is wired for independence first he usually just needs time alone to stabilize his system before he can talk about what is happening in the relationship. Both of these relationship strategies are legitimate. If your man needs some time to process what is going on allow him that time.
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The truth is that being vulnerable is really hard. It’s hard for both men and women. When we step into a vulnerable part of ourselves, our biological survival instincts kick in. Every instinct we have is telling us not to be vulnerable. It is a process that we learn over time.
In a perfect world, boys would not be raised to stifle their emotional experience. Those same boys would grow up to be engaged, curious, emotionally intelligent men. The reality, as we all know, is very different. In attempting to support men, women need to look at ways they show up in relationships to make sure they are doing it in the most helpful way.
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Photo: rekre89/Flickr
Great article! I’ve encountered a lot of relationships where there seemed to be an imbalance in sharing. One in particular, I shared all my skeletons and difficult things, and he shared really very little. I think experiences like that do one of two things, they either make me clam up or they make me push for sharing because I am so scared to find myself in that position again where I’ve shared all of myself and he hasn’t. One thing that worked well with my ex was just being patient. I did have a lot of moments where I pushed,… Read more »
Right on, Great article!
This behavior applies to both genders. I am a women whose has experienced this w a female family member. One will never “share” anything else with you if you are only thinking of ways to “fix” them, interupt they know you are not listening. The outcome is usually people go silent worse than before and you will have a snowball chance in (you know where) to draw out another vulnerable conversation. So shut up & listen when someone close to you opens up. As someone else said – so sad.
My hope in writing the article was to expand the discussion so that men and women can both see that the current cultural dialogue is not serving us. Are women expecting men to shutdown and not show their vulnerability? Are men expecting women to pull away when they do show their softer side? Can we start from a more neutral place and allow something new to be cultivated? Those moments of vulnerability can be some of the most intimate opportunities for people in relationship. It’s sad to see so many of us missing out on this.
I see this as the explanation or describing Beta Men; the Same Emotions/Qualities the Ladies “look for/want” from Guys are the very things that “Alpha Males” don’t do.
Irony at its Finest
This “alpha/beta” hierarchical nonsense is a big part of the problem. How about you do away with them?
I see your post was over 3 years ago but sadly this whole ‘Beta’ and ‘Alpha’ trend is going strong.
Anyway, I thought this article was spot on. Kudos to the author.
Only that alpha or beta human males/females do not exist.
Brilliant article. It’s time that we women allow men the freedom to express emotions in away that resonates for them.
THIS article, simply put, is one of the most useful I’ve read on GMP.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this article. Very insightful.
Thanks, I appreciate your insight and the comments by others post article. I have been guilty of point # 1 asking him to open up and getting impatient when he did not at the pace I wanted. I misunderstood his subtle gestures and talks which in hindsight did allowed me some access to his vulnerable side. But I thought of it at the time as ‘not enough’…he probably needed much more time to feel comfortable with me. I compared him to my own pace which is a bit faster (for lack of a better word). He is really wonderful in… Read more »
Great article! Simple, straightforward steps. Brene’s book is really fantastic. I see the dynamics you discuss unfolding all the time in my own therapy practice. I think it’s actually very scary for women to see men in their vulnerability, (just as it can be scary for men to see women in their vulnerability!). That fear can drive us to react in ways that aren’t particularly supportive.
Agreed Vanessa. I know how hard it is for me to hold my seat when my partner is struggling. We all need this advice not just women. Love your website by the way.
I love this article…I think you’re spot on. One thing I’d add is that the way many women communicate can be very disruptive for a man who is trying to open up and be vulnerable; we finish sentences for people, we’re very animated in our agreement (or lack of it), and it’s all such a distraction for many men, they’ll just clam up. Women sharing with other women is more like a team sport. It’s really hard for men to go deep AND pay attention to all the action going on with their woman listener. So women: when you’ve got… Read more »
“So women: when you’ve got a man who is trying to reveal the deeper parts of what’s going on for him, try to be an attentive (and quiet, and still) receiver. You’ll probably hear way more than you’d imagine could come out of your man.” Karen Jones, the very fact that you knew to write this speaks to your calm, quiet ability to understand. (I am a man, late 40’s in age, twice deployed veteran that is writing this. I can handle animated (dis)agreement, but I like to finish my own sentences. I know if a person is not present,… Read more »
Very well put, BeExcellent…
Trying to open up to someone who tries to finish my sentences for me, I know I’m waisting my time cause they are not really listening.
Very good article Bryce! I would add that women don’t like to see a vulnerable man because they have to “man up” in his place to balance the relationship. Men silently shoulder a lot of responsibility and drudgery in a relationship and many women (with their own burdens) balk at taking on the yang role. Quite often the woman will “overcompensate” and become too assertive. It might work better to be counterintuitive and stay in the “yin zone” and demonstrate how to be receptive. I also would add that often men are being intimate in a “guy way” that, as… Read more »
I am a guy that shares recipes and fashion tips lol. Yes, that is also a “guy way”, my guy way to be. Not all guys are stuck up machos. Men can, and should (if only America would stop castrating you guys emotionally) be expressive, communicative and intimate.
Well said Supra deluca. I’m a believer in men having differing ways of being emotional. We need to allow this into the context as valid and legitimate.
I have gotten real close to my karate sensei over the past few years….when I first met him I thought he was like Captain Kirk, uber macho and all powerful…slowly, we got to know each other and share an unusual bond…nowadays he is busy with his twin toddlers, work, and aging parents…we don’t practice karate together anymore…but sometimes he will text me out of the blue…and tell me stuff…the latest is a cancer diagnosis in a close family member….I just listen and ask questions….
Good article. I’m determined to learn more about the male mind…I thought women were complicated…both sexes have feelings deep inside that they’re afraid to reveal for fear of being judged….but if you can find that right balance with someone….jackpot!!!