Hold On. I Still Love You.

Affairs make headlines.

The tabloids have a field day speculating on who might be sleeping with whom, particularly if the whoms are married to someone else. Inquiring minds want to know. Sex sells. We are a media driven culture who idolizes its celebrities. And there is a part of us that loves to see them fall from grace. An affair definitely qualifies as a fall. A big one.

Affairs don’t just tarnish the reputations of celebrities. Neighbors, couples from our religious communities, work colleague, workout buddies, neighbors and friends, we all know someone who appears to be getting a little too chummy with someone else’s wife or husband. As a culture we are drawn to speculation. Being voyeurs peering into someone else’s life can give us a respite from our own.

Affairs are no fun. Well, maybe they are at the beginning. Secrecy. Stolen glances. Anticipation. Lust. Forbidden Sex. These are the sparks that ignite affairs, making them difficult to walk away from. An affair can breathe life into a parched soul. So how do affairs happen, and can a couple really recover from one?

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In the Beginning

An interesting by-product of the early excitement stage of an affair is that it can actually provide unexpected dividends to the marriage partner. Affairs can stir places inside that have lain dormant for quite some time. The initial involvement in an affair can take some of the pressure off a relationship which may have been struggling, or a partner that may be unsettled inside him or herself.

Life is tough. Kids. Work. Feelings of disconnection. Partners who may have grown discontent, often feel less frustrated by the weight of life during the initial attraction stage of an affair. Distractions. Affairs provide plenty of them. New things to focus on. Affairs are built upon fantasies. And fantasy provides a respite from reality.

Caught in the Middle with You

As affairs grow, they demand more time and attention. During the early middle stage of an affair, participants struggle to balance home, work and time together. There comes a point in time where the pull of managing it all can outweigh the pleasures it has provided. During this phase, life’s more concrete realities begin to replace the fantasies sparked by the initial connection and one or both affair partners may try and walk away. During the middle phase of an affair there can be many stops and restarts. Affair partners may show up moodier at home, as they experience the potential loss of what has become a meaningful connection. Walking away and staying away from an affair during the Middle Phase can be very difficult indeed.

As affairs continue often the affair partners begin taking more risks. Invariably something happens and the fear of getting caught becomes more real. Meeting for coffee could result in being spotted by a neighbor who just happens to show up at the same Starbucks. Conversations at work can stop when affair partners walk by. Flying under the radar becomes increasingly more difficult.

Often during this Middle Phase of an affair people can tend to back off for a time. The realization that getting caught could change life as they know it, can call a temporary cease and desist from one or both parties. When people work together this can be a particularly difficult time. Seeing a person you have been intimate with while you are seeking to pull away from them can be a very difficult situation to manage.

The Tendrils of Morality Grip the Soul

During the Later Middle Stage, partners with a decent moral compass become increasingly more uncomfortable participating in the affair. The lies, deceit, and effort needed to maintain the affair’s secrecy grow more difficult over time, as does the ability to keep the two worlds separate. Ultimately the two worlds begin to bleed into each other. As participants enter later affair stages the excitement of the initial fantasy can be replaced by the anguish of potential discovery. What was once an exciting, shared secret can become a nightmare of epic proportions.

Closing the Door — Later Stages

Affairs have a shelf-life. As the effort required to maintain a secret life becomes more intrusive upon the primary relationship and life in general, what was once pleasurable becomes more and more burdensome.

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Discovery

Affair participants invariably do something that causes them to get “caught”. Often a seemingly minor slip can put a spouse on high alert increasing the likelihood of getting caught. When an affair is uncovered there can be some measure of relief, as the weight of an affair can grow increasingly heavier to bear. Sometimes the only way out is when the primary partner finds out.

An affair’s discovery can send shockwaves into the family and its surrounding support system. People engaging in an affair often have no idea the widespread impact the discovery of their affair may have. There is a strong societal stigma surrounding an affair. People so love to judge. Judging others can take the pressure off whatever is swirling around in their own backyard.

To Share or Not To Share

Managing the information surrounding an affair is critical. Who you choose to tell and not tell are important choices that need to be made mindfully. Sometimes, a hurt spouse may be inclined to overshare very quickly to help mitigate the deep pain of betrayal. Face it, even in a struggling marriage, Betrayal hurts deeply. Efforts need to be taken to quickly stop the bleeding, deal with the hurt, and mitigate shock. Even if there is suspicion, the shock of actual discovery is overwhelming.

Sharing too much too quickly with the outside world can make long-term recovery more challengi

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Restoring Trust and Moving Forward

Yes, rebuilding trust, healing, and even strengthening your relationship after an affair is possible. Infidelity can be overwhelming to navigate alone, which is why seeking support is vital. Whether through guidance from an experienced professional or turning to a comprehensive resource like a trusted book, getting help as soon as possible is a crucial step in making sense of what happened and setting the foundation for true recovery.

If your life has been affected by an affair, The Infidelity Cure offers essential insights to help you better understand both yourself and your partner.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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