I recently watched an amazing video by Charisma on Command that reminded me, yet again, of how many of us are socialized to date from a young age.
This video discusses Hollywood movies and how love always seems to start with a big bang.
For example, in the movie ‘The Notebook,’ we see the ex that is willing to move heaven and earth to be with us again. Even though we have moved on and are happy with someone else. Did you ever stop to think about the mental health of a guy that will not hear the word no? Sounds like a stalker to me. Or quite possibly someone with the potential to be a future abusive boyfriend. Who doesn’t stop when the woman says no? Besides Donald Trump.
We see these sorts of negatives in the movies quite often. The woman that the guy is chasing tries to warn him against dating her (No Strings Attached). In real life, if a guy tells you that he is a bad partner (Twilight), believe him and do NOT meet him again. Why would you even consider it?
In ‘Blue Valentine’, and so many other movies, we see that crazy up and down roller coaster of emotions that have been romanticized as meaning that we are with our other half and destined to be together. Um, not so much.
I have nothing against the concept of love at first sight, but please realize that those relationships rarely go the distance. How can you possibly know from first seeing a person that they are the right person for you? That your likes and dislikes make you compatible, and that they are the one? It takes time to figure out if a person is a good match. If you meet someone and decide quickly, due to chemistry, social status, or whatever the big draw is to them, that they are your person, you are so much more likely to overlook red flags. Trust me, I’ve been there quite a few times, and it did not end up well. It’s ok to be attracted to someone, but you must also be wary of red flags and willing to walk away if any come up.
It’s far better to take your time to get to know each other and keep that logical brain that analyzes mutual compatibility and long-term prospects for happiness in the game. Also, there is probably not going to be some big savior that is going to sweep you off your feet and make you their world (Fifty Shades of Gray). Many red flags with that guy, honestly, and I’m not sure she made the right decision long term? Obviously, it’s a great story. But the whole thing seems pretty traumatizing.
Know that you are much more likely to choose wisely if you feel complete as a human being. Rather than falling into a situation where there is a feeling of lack of control, the other person holds all the cards. Not a good look, nor a good prospect for long-term happiness! It is important to feel fulfilled from within and on your own before you get into a relationship. If you need help getting there, that is what coaching is for.
Take your time with all of the guys that you meet. I recommend that my clients meet multiple men for dates for at least a few months. During this time, you see them in different situations and figure out how you feel about them. Do this until you feel ready to be exclusive with one specific guy, and the signs are there that they feel the same way about you. Then, you MUST have the talk, where you both agree to be exclusive. Until then, no sexual contact.
And please do not expect them to go to crazy lengths to prove they want to be with you (The Notebook). Or feel like you need to do that with the guy. Or assume that no means maybe. That is just disrespectful, and again, not a good indicator of long-term happiness.
Aim for more ease and flow in the relationship. It’s ok for things to feel a bit boring over time, without any big drama. We can get so used to big gestures of devotion, especially in this social media world where everything seems to need a witness to be sure it happened. Go for the slow and steady, calm relationship where you are happy together. No one needs to feel like they will die without the other person. That is the mark of a toxic relationship and one where at least one of the people feels incomplete alone. Not the mark of a great partner or a long-term happy partnership.
Pick someone that you can be happy with as you enrich each others’ lives. Love does NOT need to be like the movies. Please create your own happy life, and make it unique.
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Previously Published on medium
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