How Being Attracted to Someone Makes You More Attractive

Forget about looks.

Ok, don’t actually forget about looks cause they matter. However, they won’t matter much if you’re not actually “feeling it.”

Here’s an example:

I’ve been on several dates where I was kind of attracted to her but not like, “Hell yeah” attracted. She could feel it, and when I asked for a follow-up to give it a second shot, she turned me down.

I was baffled!

Or the opposite — meeting a woman at a party and feeling an instant connection starting with the first eye contact. Instant “Hell yeah” and a great conversation to go with it. Had I been timid or somehow muted my attraction, I doubt things would’ve progressed past a few fleeting glances.

Let’s break this down.

How Being Attracted Makes You More Attractive

1. We like people who like us.

Unless you’re one of those who are only attracted to unavailable people, chances are you like people who show a true appreciation for you.

Most people are insecure on some level, so when someone compliments our vanity by being attracted to us and shows it pleasingly, we tend to feel safe around them. Since trust and safety are cornerstones of human interaction, this allows the drawbridges to come down.

To do this successfully and make the other person feel safe, you need to let go of attachment to outcome. The other person should feel that you’re into them no matter what, instead of the insecure person who’s only seeking validation.

Validation seekers may fool another person at the onset, but that facade quickly wears off to reveal a fickle, entitled, and unpleasant person who becomes very unattractive.

2. Energy is transferrable.

Have you ever been around someone, and for whatever reason, you just felt that they didn’t like you? It was like their vibrations were tuned to that of nails on a chalkboard, and all you wanted to do is get out of their presence.

On the other hand, have you found yourself in the presence of someone who felt like a magnet, where you didn’t want to leave their side? Chances are there was a mutual attraction between you, and the energy was palpable.

When one person likes another, that energy can be exchanged. Similarly, when one person dislikes another, that energy can be exchanged as well. We can therefore infect another person with our anxiety, timidity, self-obsession, fear, or any emotion for that matter.

The same goes for good feelings like love, sexual attraction, or a deep interest in getting to know someone. When the feeling is only halfway, or we only think we should like that person or feel attracted to them, the interaction is unlikely to progress. If it does, it will wind up awkward and tepid.

3. People gravitate toward truth.

What makes a five-year-old child so charming is their level of unfiltered truth. If they don’t like something, they say it. If they do like something, they also say it, and usually with an abundance of enthusiasm. When we are open about how we feel, we become naturally charismatic in our honesty.

By becoming like a child and stop muting our natural energy and enthusiasm, we tend to become highly attractive. Why? Because we’re believable. We’ve also shed that annoying and opaque societal shell that tells the world, “I am not ok as I am.”

Dishonesty has no place in romance and relationships. When we’re honest about how we feel in a non-attached way, it’s extremely attractive. Embody the spirit of your five-year-old self and live in your beautiful authenticity.

When you are wholeheartedly attracted to someone, and you do nothing to hide it, it becomes like a ray of colorful light in a sea of gray. While everyone else is self-conscious and afraid, you stand out as the bold hope for humanity — someone who’s willing to let go of their aversion to risk and go for what they want.

All of that is highly attractive — embrace it.

Some Caveats

1. Don’t be a suffocator.

There’s liking someone, and then there’s stalking them or pursuing them to the point of suffocation or claustrophobia. Romance is a dance, so if you ignore the subtle signs the other person is giving you, you run the risk of coming on too strong or rushing things out of your own impatience.

Furthermore, staying in your head or your agenda will put out a creepy vibe because you’re not in tune with the other; you’re only concerned about yourself and what you’re getting in return.

Learn to take a step back every once in a while and let the thing breathe. Do your best to stay in step with whom you’re interested in — it shows attention to detail and a focus they so rarely get. Furthermore, being a little coquettish can be fun and enticing and can increase your attractiveness.

2. Avoid labels early on.

Labels are generally anti-seductive. Why? Because it’s like putting someone in a box. It’s putting a stamp of ownership that seems more geared toward appearances than unbridled attraction.

Just because you like someone and they reciprocate doesn’t mean that you own them or they own you. You’re two people drawn together by the forces of nature, not some manufactured category. Mystery is always seductive, so the longer you can avoid putting a label on things, the greater the capacity for attraction.

3. Accept rejection gracefully.

True attraction exists whether the person reciprocates or not. Throwing a tantrum, whining, complaining, or turning cold will only signal self-obsession, which is unattractive.

Sure, rejection stings — sometimes a lot — but taking the high road is always attractive and could lead to things happening with that person later on. People can have an avoidant streak, often leading them to fear engulfment or enmeshment at the first sign of pursuit, so even if they’re attracted to you as well, the mere act of being pursued puts them on high alert.

Showing them that you don’t want to put them in a cage will enable them to settle down and trust you. Again, trust and safety are paramount in relationships, so show some unconditional positive regard, and you might get what you’re after in the long run.

4. Find yourself attractive.

We’ve all heard the cliche — you can’t love anyone until you love yourself. In the context of attraction, it also holds that people who think of themselves as attractive are much more desirable to others.

Codependency and caretaking aside, people don’t want to prop someone up emotionally, so projecting a sense of confidence and self-love will make you infinitely more attractive. Those who don’t find themselves valuable typically sabotage relationships and will often use people for validation.

While the validation-seeker may get what they want in the short term, their lack of self-love will creep in quickly, making for an untenable situation. These relationships are wrought with frequent breakups, projection, expectations, and a general state of chaos and anxiety.

Do whatever it takes to find yourself attractive and stop leaning on others to do it for you. You will not only become more attractive, but you’ll save you and your partner a lot of grief.

***

The keys to romance and relationship are varied, and there’s never any one-size-fits-all strategy. However, human nature is fairly consistent, and our core needs are the same. What differs the most is our upbringing and the wounds and patterns we take into adulthood.

Being in tune with the person you’re pursuing is not only attractive but will give you valuable information as they reveal themselves to you. Perhaps you will decide that they’re not worth pursuing and call it off.

Overall, a person who is present, truthful, and pays attention to subtleties, has a major advantage over those who are self-obsessed and attached to an outcome.

—

This post was previously published on Medium.

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything