How Can I Help My Girlfriend Handle Her Toxic Ex?

Hi Doc,

My girlfriend split up from her ex of 7 years almost 2 years ago, and they have a 2-and-a-half-year-old together. Co-parenting with the ex has gotten worse and worse, to the point where the ex and his lawyer slandered me in their objection to our recent move (namely because they don’t have anything else to stand on).

Before communication started breaking down about a year ago, her ex had insisted she had his DS and games, yearbooks, and a few other books and that he should get to come over and go through all her stuff to find them. He’d also demanded that she still “owed him nudes and/or sex.” She told him that if she found the items, she would return them, reminded him he had a new girlfriend now, and otherwise skipped over the part where he demanded to be let in and demanded nudes, telling me it wasn’t worth the fight. She told me that he had a habit of stealing from places they went to together and she didn’t want to give him the opportunity to steal from her, and I believe her as she’s stuck up for him in areas she didn’t have to.

Over the Christmas holidays when we were decorating, she found some family ornaments of her ex’s and his brothers’ in the Christmas box and attempted to give them back to him when she picked their son up. He almost flung them back in her face and said “oh, now you want to give stuff back?” and slammed the door in her face.

Flash forward to moving recently. We started finding a few more items of his here and there as we were packing up, and when her ex came over to pick up their son for the weekend, we had 2 fantasy books of his and his class ring. My girlfriend said “here’s your stuff!” in a bright and cheery voice, and I kid you not, the ex turned away, picked up their son, and nearly sprinted away. We were left in the doorway blinking with the books and the ring.

And then you guessed it: we did find the DS and games. They’d accidentally gotten packed up in her stuff when she’d hurriedly moved out. However, he never let her back in the house (they owned together) since July of last year and sold in October, and he presumably threw out her remaining items. She had asked repeatedly for items she’d left behind but he wouldn’t let her in and wouldn’t give her anything.

I’m torn on what we should do. Obviously, the ex did ask for them back and we do have them, even though we originally thought he was using it as an excuse to go through her stuff. My girlfriend thinks we should still give them back, but it doesn’t feel worth it to me at this point. It just opens up their son’s transition time to hostility (recently, my girlfriend was trying to soothe their son when he started crying at pickup, telling him she was sorry it was hard. Her ex hissed at her “No, you’re not, don’t fucking lie”). And since we’re in a court battle, I don’t want him to be able to claim he never received the items if we drop it off with one of his relatives.

I want to model good behavior for their son as well, even though he’s a little young to be understanding the nuances. It doesn’t feel 100% right to just give the items back to his dad when his dad has been so nasty, but I recognize I don’t own them, either. My mom suggested keeping the sentimental and/or valuable items for the son when he gets older, but that’s not exactly correct, either, as the items didn’t originally belong to him and his dad isn’t dead.

Do you think we should make one last effort to try and give back at least the DS and some games (gf says some of them are hers but isn’t 100% sure which are which)? Or do you think that proverbial ship has sailed with his behavior the last few times we tried to give him his stuff back?

Sincerely,

Trying to Step-Parent Responsibly

I understand the feeling that you shouldn’t reward someone’s shitty behavior, and I certainly understand the appeal of a break-up tax. I also understand wanting to model good behavior for your girlfriend’s son. But seeing as you casually mention that there’s actual litigation involved here, I think that this is the sort of situation where the only reasonable and responsible answer is “talk to your lawyer,” especially if said court cases involve a custody dispute. This is one of those times where doing what seems right (or satisfyingly petty) is precisely the sort of thing that some unscrupulous lawyer could turn against you, and you don’t need to make their job any easier.

Admittedly, seeing as his lawyer seems to be on board with this shitty behavior, I’d think a formal complaint to the state bar association might be in order, especially if he’s throwing around accusations in open court. Unfortunately, I suspect that unless you can actually prove slander, it might be an uphill climb; a lot of people will throw complaints at the opposing council during contentious divorces or custody disputes. Check your state’s bar website for the relevant information about whether filing a formal complaint would be in order; the grievance committee would have the relevant information and staffers who could help find it.

As it is, I strongly recommend documenting her exes’ behavior whenever possible and saving whatever emails, texts and letters he’s sent. If, for example, he texted her that she still “owes him nudes and/or sex”, those are precisely the sort of things that you should be saving and archiving for her lawyer. And while she may not necessarily have video evidence of his behavior when she’s picking her son up or trying to return his stuff, having a list of dates, times and what her ex said and did can be very helpful if and when she decides that it is worth the hassle of sorting this out in court.

(For the record, I think it’s usually worth it, and doubly so in this case. If he’s making demands for nude pictures or sex, then a case could be made that he’s attempting blackmail or extortion; as it is, that’s the sort of behavior that makes lawyers start to drool…)

Documentation is always your friend when it comes to these sorts of matters, up to and including trying to return things to a contentious ex or get personal items back. Having that dated list of, say, times she tried to return his stuff or when he refused to let her into their communal property will be handy when paired with evidence of good-faith efforts on her part to return his belongings.

And that’s precisely why it’s time to quit dealing with him face to face and to deal with him through the federal government – specifically, the US Postal Service. Rather than giving him the opportunity to lie and say that she never actually returned his things, box them up and send them as a certified package with a delivery receipt – especially requiring that they sign for delivery. Document what’s in the box with pictures, get pics of the box with the certified sticker and return receipt attached and send it on its merry way. Even if he refuses to sign and accept delivery, certified mail will confirm a delivery attempt was made.

And sending it to his relatives, at the very least, means the two of you made a good faith effort to get it to him. If he refuses to get it from his relatives or they never contact him about it, that’s on them.

Seeing as you two are dealing with him in court, you want to be able to show that you’ve been going above and beyond in trying to be reasonable and to handle things like mature, grown-ass adults, and he’s being a belligerent little shit. Having proof that you’ve been trying to return his things and he’s been metaphorically (and apparently, literally) throwing them back in your face will go a long, long way to improving your position with the judge. Doubly so if you have other documentation about his bad – and frankly offensive – behavior. So document everything with exact times, dates and locations, use the services offered by the federal government to prove that you’ve been making a sincere effort and otherwise avoid dealing with him in person as much as you reasonably can. There’s no point in drawing more aggro than is actually necessary, especially if he’s going to be acting like a weird little freak in front of his son.

However, I will remind you: not only is Dr. NerdLove not a doctor, he’s also absolutely not a lawyer or legal expert in any way, shape or form, so talk to your lawyerabout all of this. Get their input before you do anything else; there’s no point in the court case any easier on her shitty ex.

Good luck.

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Hola Doc (English isn’t my first language so pardon my errors) I’ve been stuck in a crossroads of the self-acceptance or self-improvement. Because, well, honestly, I don’t really like term or concept of “acceptance” because well it just sounds like “You’re perfect just the way you are and there nothing to change” at best it breeds complacency and laziness, and at worst it’s the kind of mentality Andrew Tate and Kanye West have and why they’re so unlikable (yeah I know Kanye is mentality ill but that’s not an excuse for his actions). But at the same time, I have almost this very unhealthy obsession with improvement and working out. And honestly the sole reason for I’m going to the gym and working out is so I can attract the women who are essentially my type.

Essentially, I’m into a Morticia kind of woman, not exclusively but she’s overwhelmingly her type. I wanna be her Gomez even though I don’t look like the idealized desirable Gomez (Raul Julia) but more the Luis Guzman or original 30s comic strip IE short and chubby. Am I aiming outta my league? I guess but a small part of me thinks he can do it. But an even bigger part of me says that’s never going to happen because well I’m not slim enough or not suave enough to be a Gomez even when I practice in the mirror or try my best to be romantic both in dating apps and irl, my brain will call me a needy pathetic cringe try hard who women would laugh at and ridicule me for daring to approach them. Because you yourself said neediness and try-hard-ing is anti-sexy.

So what do I do? How do I simultaneously self-acceptance and self-improve? To become the man I truly desire to be.

Wannabe Gomez

First and foremost, WBG: acceptance isn’t the same thing as being lazy. There’s a quote from Zen master Shenryū Suzuki that’s relevant here: “Each of you is perfect as you are, and you can use a little improvement”. This is precisely what we mean when we talk about self-acceptance; it’s recognizing your inherent worth and value without qualification, while also saying “and you can still work to make things a little better.”

Self-acceptance means recognizing that while there will be things that you could work on – which is true of everyone, no matter who – you aren’t worth less or are less deserving of love or good things in life for having them. Being “the best” isn’t a prerequisite for love or dating or anything else. It’s a reminder that you are enough, even as you work on things that you might want to improve. A house can be beloved home, even if you need to do a little maintenance here and there, or you might want to knock out a wall or add an extension.

You are looking at yourself with compassion, rather than disdain or disapproval, and that’s important. You cannot shame yourself into improvement; all that does is exhaust you and demotivate you because no amount of “improvement” will stop the shaming. All that happens is that the goal posts get moved again. Lost a lot of weight? “You never should’ve gained it in the first place you lazy little shit, and you’re not yoked enough.” Got a raise that brought you up to a six-figure salary? Not good enough, you should have these other things too.

(I’d also dispute that this sort of thinking leads to things like Kanye’s self-aggrandizement or his abusive behavior, or anything involving Andrew Tate, especially since his whole schtick is to be a twelve-year-old’s idea of “cool” and weaponize other people’s insecurities to sell them bullshit, but that’s neither here nor there.)

Now, the next issue is that I think you misunderstand the why of Gomez Addams or his appeal. The problem is that you’re focusing on the wrapping, not what’s inside. Trying to mimic Gomez’ mannerisms isn’t going to get you a Morticia, nor will trying to copy his style.

Though, considering that he’s a snappy dresser in every incarnation, it certainly wouldn’t hurt.

If you want to find the appeal that comes from Gomez Addams, you have to recognize what makes Gomez different from, say, Don Diego De La Vega or – at the other end – someone like Hugh Heffner.

It’s not that he’s conventionally good-looking, Raul Julia aside, nor is it his fencing or his money, nor his stylish sense of fashion or plummy upper-crust mannerisms; it’s that he’s an unabashed wife guy, full of joi de vivre and passion and does not give a single, solitary fuck for what’s considered ‘normal’. Things like “restraint” or “moderation” are for other people; when it’s something that he cares about, he expresses his love for it with his whole chest and pursues it with abandon. He’s a living example of what it means to love without shame or care for what other people think. That’s central to his character and his appeal.

Also, focusing on Julia and Guzman – and excuse me, Luis Guzman is quite fine, thanks – is John Astin erasure and we do NOT stand for that in this dojo!

The reason why his behavior doesn’t feel cringe or try-hard – another term I think you’re misunderstanding – is because it’s 100% him, without any sort concern for what other people think or care about. He’s absolutely true to himself; he behaves the way he does because that’s authentic to who he is. He’s not putting on a performance for others, he’s being his most authentic self, and if other people think it’s weird… well, so the fuck what? His entire family and community are full of weirdos – the macabre, the off-beat, the outcast, the creepy, ooky and occasionally kooky and as far as he’s concerned, they’re all wonderful and perfect and if other people don’t understand them, that’s other people’s problem.

(In the original comics, they’re actually fairly malicious – doing things like pouring boiling oil on Christmas carolers – but that’s not relevant for our purposes.)

He’s suave, in no small part because that’s who he is; he’s a reflection of a specific idea of the debonaire aristocrat in a funhouse mirror. He’s romantic because he loves with his whole being; he’s both in love with love and also with his wife, who is the moon he howls to every night. The things that define him do so because he lives them to the bone.

Just as importantly, Morticia doesn’t love him because he looks like Raul Julia or because he has a dancer’s build; she loves him because he’s Gomez Addams. If he’s short and squat, long and lean, a feral beast or a lowly worm, he’s still Gomez and that makes him more dear to her than all the bats in all the caves in the world. Which is saying a lot because bats are pretty goddamn awesome. And this goes both ways. Gomez would love Morticia even if she looked like Barbara Eden or someone utterly normie because she’s Morticia.

So I think the question you need to ask yourself is: are you trying to be someone playing Gomez Addams, or are you trying to embody Gomez Addams? Because to embody Gomez Addams isn’t to take on the surface aspects – the style, the mannerisms, the mustache, etc. – but to take on the energy. The unrepentant enthusiasm and self-acceptance, the willingness to be totally and unapologetically himself. That’s what you need to find in yourself if you want to be like Gomez – the security and drive to be your best and most authentic self, regardless of whether you’re thin or plump, short or tall, weedy or jacked as hell. Neediness, after all, comes from insecurity and poor self-esteem; it’s asking others to manage your emotional state for you. Try-hard comes from acting in ways that are inauthentic to who you are in order to appeal to someone else. We talk about fedora-wearing m’lady types precisely because it’s an affectation; it’s an attempt to cobble together a Frankenstein personality from other aesthetics and traits, instead of being genuine to who one is, because they think that’s what will make them appealing.

Which brings us right back to self-acceptance and self-improvement. If you want to be Gomez, the first thing you have to do is accept yourself for who you are and to embrace it. Are there aspects that you could work on and polish? Sure… but that’s the self-improvement part. Loving yourself for yourself and choosing to be unabashedly your best self? That’s how you get the Gomez energy and how you find your own Morticia… even if you aren’t wearing a crushed velvet waistcoat and she’s not wearing a floor-length sheath dress. And then you both not just to love one another to distraction but to make that love last by continuing to treat each other like you’re still in the throes of courtship and trying to woo and win one another each day.

Good luck.

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This post was previously published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished on Medium.

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