How Defining Your Relationship Can Make It Healthier

Relationship, as defined by the Oxford Dictionary is the “way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.”

When you apply that definition, we’re in relationship with everyone. The mailman, the cashier at Kroger, your Starbucks barista and the grass outside just as much as your latest Tinder match.

“Defining The Relationship” or “DTR” caught on in my teenagerhood as quickly as the idea of fluid boundaries became trendy in my college years.

Hesitation quickly arose to put a label on the relationship we had with someone who we were getting in bed with every night; keeping “options open” was the new normal for most of my college life.

It was a confusing world, and frankly it still is.

Defining a relationship doesn’t have to mean throwing a label on it or making it Instagram official(I’m still not sure what this entails). It can simply mean defining how you relate to your romantic partner.

You communicate about your needs and expectations, and this can define how you relate to someone else more than calling them your girlfriend/boyfriend does.

I don’t know if my generation’s willingness to be less rushed to decide what “we are” or “are not” with our romantic partners stems from an inability to communicate or a willingness to go with the flow.

Maybe it isn’t purely a generational idea; people aged 23–34 are really my only study group.

One thing’s for sure: lack of clear boundaries and expectations hurts people.

It Looks Like A Relationship, But It’s Not

I met John, we can call him, 4th of July weekend. John and I quickly hit it off, and we’ve spent a lot of time together in the past 3 weeks.

We spend nights in, watching movies, we go out, I’ve met his friends, we go hiking and make breakfast and use each other for emotional support.

I know a decent amount about John by this point.

John and I have never discussed what we “are”-which is actually okay with me.

I don’t personally feel the need for a label; we’ve known each other for less than a month and I think it would be interesting to see how we evolve.

However, I have begun to need the boundaries a label usually confers.

How do we communicate? What do we communicate about? Are we allowed to express when something the other person does makes us upset, or would that be “justified” since we’ve set absolutely no ground rules between the two of us?

Would John understand why I was upset that he was late to pick me up the other night because he was getting drinks after work with his office friends?

I’m obviously not a priority in John’s life, which has been okay so far because I haven’t made it a point to lay down a framework for times when I come first.

I need that framework, the ask that there will be times when I come first. I have needs too, and I’m not simply a shiny object to be picked up and admired when it pleases John.

I’ve begun to need a leg to stand on, whether it’s simply no longer seeing John if he isn’t willing to establish mutual expectations that allow both of our needs to be met or establishing some ground rules I should have discussed with him a long time ago.

I know if we don’t discuss mutual boundaries, or lack thereof, John will continue to come in and out of my life at his own leisure, taking for granted that I’ll be there.

I’ve been there when he’s late or checking his phone at dinner or not able to be fully emotionally available. It’s no longer enough that his companionship is comfortable-contrary to this article I wrote about 3 weeks ago in the hopes that commitment was overrated. Ha ha.

We don’t have to commit to a relationship, but committing to respect one another and the expectations we should be creating for our relationships is highly necessary.

We don’t always have to vocalize this. I have some friends that are naturally great communicators. I’ve never had to sit down and talk about my needs or expectations for our friendship because they were on the ball.

However, in every romantic entanglement or relationship I’ve ever been in, the need to commit to expectations-what are we giving each other? what are we not able to give each other?-vocally is necessary.

I don’t need to be John’s girlfriend. I simply need to know what to expect from someone I’ve been spending so much time with, and feel as if my time is respected.

Communication: A Good Foundation For Any Relationship

Boundaries foster mutual respect, and any relationship without boundaries-be it romantic or otherwise-is built on an unsteady foundation.

Relationships take all sorts of different forms with different expectations, but these expectations are formed on a solid foundation of mutual respect for the other person’s needs, time, and emotions.

Setting boundaries and laying down the law of healthy expectations is something a lot of people struggle with at some point.

People that respect one another and respect themselves are more likely to communicate honestly with their partners and set the stage for a successful relationship.

In the past, I’ve had the most success in setting healthy boundaries and expectations in relationships by having an honest conversation and holding little back, speaking compassionately.

Consider these ideas the next time you’re faced with setting expectations or “defining” your relationship in some way:

• lay out what you need, and know what you aren’t willing to compromise on
• actively listen to what the other person or people is expressing that they need, and what they may feel they aren’t currently getting
• a conversation about boundaries and expectations in relationships isn’t a chance to point fingers, and it doesn’t have to end in a happily ever after. It’s also not a one and done conversation.
• Agree on a set of expectations with your partner(s) that you are committed to meeting, whether it be time you spend together, chores around the house, or how often you communicate.

Food For Thought

• What have your experiences been with creating healthy relationships?
• How do you navigate healthy boundaries?
• Do you agree or disagree that setting expectations/boundaries based in open communication and respect?
• Do you think self-love/compassion and self-respect is necessary for a health relationship?

Let me know in the comments below or reflect on these questions in your own time.

Thanks for reading! Support a creator here ❤
—

Previously Published on medium

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything

—

Photo credit: iStock