How Dismissive Avoidants Can Take Space Without Pushing Their Partner Away

Here we go again. Someone needs time and space in the relationship, and the frustration is piling up. It’s funny because I haven’t said which partner I am talking about.

When we think about needing space, it is an immediate trigger for either person in the relationship unless we understand how to create a positive environment for space.

One partner does not mind that the other person needs space, but generally, they feel left in the dark when they have no context for where the thought came from. At some point, they feel abandoned.

The other partner feels this overwhelming expectation that they have to have the answer for everything and that needing space is a crime when they want to find the clarity to present their best selves.

The problem is a communication gap, and we have not worked to find a middle ground that makes each partner feel respected, cared for, heard, and connected to their partner.

Don’t worry — that’s why I am here. I can clear the grey area and take action where uncertainty once lived.

For the dismissive-avoidant, it is your challenge to do the work. You can not present the need and concurrently not begin the action items it takes to make this process healthy for your relationship.

Yes, partners, the goal is to remove the need for space over time, but remember, it’s a marathon, not a race.

As we read this article, I am talking directly to the dismissive-avoidant.

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The restructure

More often than not, before a dismissive avoidant takes space, they fail to communicate the positive benefits of taking time alone.

It sounds like your partner is immature and failing to care about you. They are in a state of being overwhelmed, and retreating to isolation is a safeguard against exposing themselves to their emotions.

Another layer on top is they generally haven’t identified their emotions. The result is “the push away.”

As the dismissive-avoidant, you cannot take space without creating a game plan and communicating what you are going to accomplish.

Your partner is not being pushy for resisting your alone time. They are asking for information that will alleviate the thoughts of uncertainty, abandonment, and curiosity.

Your structure needs to follow a template that will be easy for both of you to process and manage.

The reminder. Your partner should hear that you value them in your life and you’re momentarily struggling to feel comfortable in your current state.
The timing. No, you don’t get to tell your partner you need an arbitrary amount of time to collect yourself and your thoughts. You need to deliver a time frame that is down to the hour or time of day, and no, day is not plural.
The goal. Your partner needs to know the outcome of the space you take. “I just need time to think” doesn’t work. “I’m having trouble identifying how I feel. We should reconnect tonight. I think we can have a more meaningful conversation.”

Sharing is caring

You struggle with communication because you think you need all the answers when engaging with your partner.

I don’t see many avoidant-avoidant relationship pairings, so you are generally with someone who can easily express their thoughts and feelings.

Do you want to know why your partner is so frustrated with you?

It is one thing to leave them in the dark. It is another problem when you don’t give them anything to work with.

You need to allow them into your alone time by giving them pieces of information as you have gathered them.

Nobody wants to be blindsided with information. When your partner allows you time to have space and think, it is not a green light to bombard them with everything you thought about in that time.

As you process and understand your feelings, give them insight and a peep in the window.

Do you know how far it will go to tell your partner a portion of what led to you taking a step back? You don’t have to have the whole story. You can still have alone time after that.

Show up

I’m going to get straight to the point in this last section. It is time for you to show up for your partner and the relationship.

When you return from alone time, you are generally recharged and alleviated by the stress that caused you to step back. Good for you! What about your partner?

Luckily, you’re going to stop everything you’ve done until this point and follow the steps above, but if you haven’t, imagine the position your partner is in.

They feel rejected, unheard, and disconnected from their partner. I don’t know… The pillars of a healthy relationship.

When you return, the priority needs to be reconnecting with your partner and not sharing this joy you have now that you had the opportunity to step away and reengage when you’re ready.

It is the most important action item to take so your partner understands that distance is not about pushing them away but about discovering your feelings so you can connect with them on a different level.

Take the time to show appreciation and gratitude for a partner who is being patient with you when they deserve more from their partner.

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Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my coaching offerings click here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at [email protected] for details.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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