How Do I Develop an Abundance Mentality When There’s No Abundance to Be Had?

How does one have an abundance mentality when one doesn’t actually have anything close to, well, abundance.

So, I get and agree with the theory. If a situation isn’t life or death, you can relax, worry less, take things as they come, not “get over your skis” or be an “excitable puppy” (both your references.

But I have a first date from somebody I met organically about as often as we have leap years and inevitably I get way ahead of myself and do literally every cliche imaginable (be too available, too many small gifts, too much effort, put my own needs and opinions on the back burner in order to be liked etc…etc…) but, like, at the pace I am on, my next first date will be in 2027 and I don’t know how to tone down myself.’

I’ve done the OLD thing (to death) and it yields very little these days positive and has destroyed my confidence so I stopped doing it…I’ve been going to lots of meet new people events/activities but every time I am even vaguely interested in somebody, she’s got a partner and I just know that the next single woman who shows interest is going to be more of the same if I can’t rein in my impulses.

But it’s hard to have an abundance mentality when you’re dying of thirst in the desert

Starving In A Land of Plenty

OK, SILP, I’m going to give you credit: in the same letter you have a mistaken idea of what an abundance mentality is, while also managing to demonstrate precisely why it’s important.

So here’s the thing about an abundance mentality: it’s not about having so many women’s numbers in your phone that you need a separate hard drive to store them all, any more than it’s about having so many matches on OKCupid or Hinge that your account is getting flagged for fraudulent activity. Nor, for that matter, is it about having women lined up to date or never being without plans for a Saturday night.

It’s very simply about recognizing that there are, quite literally, millions of single women out there in the world and anywhere from thousands to hundreds of thousands in your city alone, and that you don’t need to or want invest so much dire importance on any one person that you treat them as the Alpha and the Omega of your love life. Certainly not before it’s actually time to invest in them, emotionally. That one person, no matter how lovely they may be as an individual, isn’t such a rare beast that if you don’t make them the center of your universe, you will doom yourself to die alone, forgotten and unloved.

It is, in the words of Tim Minchin, recognizing that “our love is one in a million, you couldn’t buy it at any price/ But of the nine point nine nine nine Hundred thousand other possible loves/ Statistically some of them would be equally nice.”

Your letter is actually an example of why a scarcity mentality is something to break out of. You say it yourself: you have gotten so worked up about this date that you more or less skinned yourself and turned yourself into a doormat for someone you barely know, because you have convinced yourself that she is the last and only chance you have for love. And so you lost your goddamn mind and displayed so much neediness and a complete lack of self-worth that you wrecked any chance you had of actually making any sort of connection with this person. The attraction and interest she might have had gets overwhelmed by you demonstrating that you don’t have any feeling of value for yourself or your time and signaling that a relationship with you is going to be consumed with your begging her for attention and constant reassurance, of always asking her to manage your emotions for you and – crucially – that you will never actually trust your connection with her.

And that last part is really important. There are reasons why constant neediness is profoundly unattractive that aren’t just “it makes you look sad and pathetic”. That sort of insecurity is the sort of thing that frequently and easily curdles into mistrust, suspicion, bitterness and resentment. It’s not just the stereotypically toxic “abusers” who start getting controlling and insisting on knowing where their partners are at all times; the desperately insecure and needy do too. Abuse isn’t the sole territory of the aggressive and macho. Plenty of “nice guys” have their own face-heel turn in the name of their anxiety and fear that their partner is about to leave them.

An abundance mentality is a reminder that you want to come to women with a mindset of “what makes you worth my time?” Not because you’re King Turd IV of Hot Shit Mountain and all must pay obeisance, but because all of our time in this life is limited, and we don’t want to spend it on people who just aren’t right for us. You want to go into these interactions – whether you’re talking to a complete stranger or meeting on a first date – with an eye towards seeing if this is someone who has the qualities that make them a good match for you. You want to find out whether they’re someone who would be a good partner for you and that they are someone that you would want to spend your limited time with.

Similarly, it’s a reminder that you don’t invest emotionally in someone until it’s actually time to invest in them, nor do you put this person on some sort of pedestal where you have to supplicate to them like you’re making sacrifices to a statue of Zeus in order to gain their attention and approval. In fact, the whole point is to recognize that if someone isn’t worth your time, then the best use of that time is to move on instead, knowing that there’re better options out there, instead of breaking yourself to pieces in hopes that they might take pity on you.

Yes, I’m sure that person is lovely and there are amazing things about them… but there are other people out there who are equally amazing and who are a better fit for you. It’s far better to go off in search of them than it is to shred your dignity while you desperately try to make a square block fit into a round hole.

By the same token, having an abundance mentality is part of how you develop your confidence, so that you have both the courage and the drive to meet more people, whether in person or on dating apps, deliberately or because you put yourself into fortune’s path. It means that while a rejection may sting, it ultimately means very little other than this person simply wasn’t right for you, and you are now free to meet someone who is, rather than wasting your time trying to change their mind.

And I’m going to be blunt here: it means that you give up this whingey, self-pitying shit of “oh I am doomed to never meet another person until the far flung future, when I shall make the exact same mistakes again.” No, my dude, that’s just a self-fulfilling prophecy, something you’re priming yourself for by insisting that this is what you’re stuck with. You’re not dying of thirst in a desert, you’re passing by dozens and dozens of water fountains because you don’t dare try to take a drink. A scarcity mentality means that you give up at the first thought of difficulty or failure, taking the slightest setback as reason to give up or to not bother trying in the first place and waiting until the stars are perfectly aligned to try again.

An abundance mentality means that if one person has a partner, then you make friends and see if she has a single friend that she might introduce you to. Or you ask her to introduce you around to other people in the group and as you mix and mingle, meet other folks who might be of interest. You take more of an active role in meeting people, not letting setbacks wreck you that it takes you longer and longer to pull yourself back together, making yourself a little sadder each time. You exercise your social skills, you get more comfortable meeting people and work on being someone that people like to get to know and spend time with instead of someone who begs for scraps of attention like a lost puppy. Why? Because there’re lots of people out there who are looking for someone like you and by god when you meet them you are going to be ready, instead of hoping that one day, the gods will look down, sigh and say “ok, fine”.

Otherwise, you’re just going to keep having this same experience and wondering why even the people you think should be having worse luck than you are finding dates and you’re still crying over the last one that got away. Trust me: I’ve been there and done that and I can tell you with certainty that the end of that road leads to a place that’s toxic for everyone involved.

So instead of freaking out and snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, get up, dust yourself off and say “ok, how can I do better next time?” and then go out and make next time happen.

Good luck.

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I’m a 35 year old man with an annoying problem: I’m having a hard time orgasming during partnered sex. This is a relatively new thing for me. Before now, I’ve been pretty standard in terms of my sexual response via penetration. I hadn’t been a two pump chump but I also have never been able to go for long periods of time either, which has always been fine with me and my partners. However, with the last few sexual encounters I’ve had, it’s gone one of two ways. Either I would get somewhat close to orgasming (I could feel things starting to build) but could never get all the way there or I just never even got to the build-up and was just thrusting away until either it was getting uncomfortable for my partners or I just gave up entirely and finished myself off later.

This has been exclusively an issue during partnered PIV sex. I’ve never been able to get off from oral, even though I enjoy it) and I can get myself off just fine when it’s just me. I don’t know if it’s the condoms (I have HSV-2, so they’re non-negotiable) or what, but it’s getting frustrating to me. My various partners have been very kind about it, but I can tell that they’re frustrated too.

What do I do, Doc?

Don’t Want No Thirty One Minute Man

This is a condition that’s called anorgasmia, DWNTOMM, and trying to diagnose the cause is usually a process of elimination. Since this is a relatively recent phenomena for you, the first thing I would suggest is to look at what may have changed, recently.

One of the first things I would do is check on any new medications you may have started, especially if you’ve started taking an SSRI or similar drug, or if you’ve started taking medication for conditions like high blood pressure or prescription painkillers. There are a number of drugs that can make it harder for men (and people with prostates and penises) to reach orgasm during sex.

Similarly, I’d suggest to look at whether you were using the same condoms as usual; if you’re used to a particular brand with a specific thickness, texture or lubrication, then changing that might make a difference in terms of sensitivity and sensation which could delay your orgasm past the point where you or your partner would be comfortable continuing. The same with any supplemental lubricants you might be using – it’s possible that you may have been using enough that you reduced the amount of friction you needed to achieve orgasm.

There’s also a question as to whether you’ve been drinking or using other intoxicants (cannabis – including CBD or Delta-8/9 products – and cocaine in particular). “Whiskey dick” is a very well-known phenomena, especially as we get older and our tolerance for booze and drugs changes. Limiting the amount you drink, smoke or otherwise consume can help you avoid similar frustrations in the future.

The next thing I would suggest is to ask how aroused you may have been with your partners, how attracted to them you were. I’d also recommend taking a look at whether there’ve been any issues in your life that’ve been affecting you mentally or emotionally. Stress can affect not just your libido, but also your sexual response, making it harder for you to get off. Or if you’ve had issues with your self-image – something that may make you feel less attractive or sexually desirable – then that may be a factor. The whole “the brain is your biggest sexual organ” may be a cliché, but it’s a cliché for a reason, and if you’re not feeling yourself, it can make things harder for you.

Er… as it were.

I’d also recommend that you talk to a urologist. While 35 is fairly young for prostate problems, it is a possibility and can frequently cause issues with orgasm. They may recommend a blood draw to test for any issues with Little Man ‘Tate; if they do, then do your best to avoid orgasm or vigorous exercise (especially bike riding) for 48 hours in order to get an accurate read on your PSA count.

Now the one thing that you said that pinged for me was that you can still get off through masturbation. One thing you may want to pay attention to is how you’re masturbating: are you using your hand, an insertion toy or something a little more outré like the ol’ JD Vance special?

(No, seriously; some folks discover masturbation by rubbing themselves against a pillow or sticking their dick in between cushions or between the mattress and box spring.)

If you’re using your hand – or using something that has a strong texture or pressure, like the aforementioned cushions – you might be using a level of pressure, texture or friction that the human body can’t reproduce. This is what’s known as an “idiosyncratic masturbation technique” or more colloquially known as “death grip syndrome”, and that makes it a lot more difficult to get off with a partner. This might be something that you may not have realized you were doing at first: gripping a little harder if you were having a harder time getting off or sitting in a way that was putting pressure on your prostate that you aren’t doing during partnered sex.

If you’re gripping it and ripping it, then you’re training your penis to respond to that particular level of pressure, and it’s not going to be as responsive to the less intense pressure of a vagina, mouth or anus. The key then is to essentially retrain your junk – using the barest amount of pressure to masturbate and accepting that if you don’t get off, you don’t get off until you do respond to something more attainable by a human body. If you aren’t sure of your ability to keep yourself from grabbing a little harder when you’re trying to get over the falls, you may want to look into a masturbation sleeve like a Fleshlight or a Tenga Flip. This can help retrain your orgasmic response to something that you will encounter with another person.

Now, assuming that you have a clean bill of health and you’ve eliminated other possibilities, one thing you may want to do is adjust how you’re having sex with your partners. For one, you may want to consider adding a few drops of lube to the inside of the condom, to help add a little sensation and motion. And I domean “drops”; you don’t want so much that you risk the condom sliding off. You may also want to consider a little prostate play when you’re almost-but-not-quite there. Even a little pressure between your scrotum and your anus can help nudge you over as well as make the orgasm a lot more intense.

Alternatively, if penetration isn’t going to get you there, you could always let your partner jerk you off to finish instead of doing it yourself later. It can even be kind of hot with a little dirty talk or a little of a dom/sub dynamic.

Regardless, however, I’d still recommend talking to your doctor, just in case. This is one of those areas where it’s better safe than sorry, especially if it turns out that there’s something that you need to be paying attention to.

Good luck.

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This post was previously published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished on Medium.

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