How Do I Help My Child Who Is Struggling in a Divorce?

As a couple therapist, I get asked that question all the time when couples decide to divorce. The first thing I want to remind you is that divorcing doesn’t automatically mess up your child. Assuming you did the work and tried to make things improve, Divorce does not equate failure. I believe that the best gift we can give our children are happy, fulfilled parents. And staying together “just for the kids’ sake” or waiting “till they leave home” is the wrong motivation to stay together.

Here are some tips that a good to keep in mind:

Hold on to co-parenting. Constantly remind yourself, your ex-partner, and your children that you two will be forever their parents, even if you are no longer lovers. Remind yourselves that every day in order to remember to operate from your best self when around your kids.
Contain your guilt. We all scar our children regardless of what we do. Those abrasions shape our children to become the person they will become. By divorcing you aren’t ‘ruining’ your child, so no need to be guilt ridden. If you let your guilt control you, you’ll lose your parental integrity. Guilt-ridden parents try to cheer up the wounded child either overcompensating with gifts and/or too lenient boundaries.
You can contain your guilt through talking to a friend, therapist, mentor, or coach. Find a safe place to sublimate all your tough feelings, especially guilt so you won’t act it out on your children.
Minimize triangulation. Triangulation is when you consciously or unconsciously enlist a child into your dynamic with your ex-partner. This is frequently done by badmouthing your ex, letting them overhear your gossiping about your ex, or transmitting messages to your ex through them. You can read more about triangulation here.
Share your feelings. Don’t pretend all is well. Be clear and transparent. Share your fears, sadness, relief, even joy. Share in a way that is age appropriate without burdening them too much with behind the scenes. Why? So you can validate what they intuitively and implicitly sense from you. If you fake it, then your kids will repress their natural, healthy intuition. You can learn more about verbalizing your feelings here.
Remain playful and open about the divorce. The best way we can prevent our kids from feeling shame about the divorce is to maintain an open, honest, even playful conversation about the divorce. That way kids know that it’s not a secret, a taboo, or something they should be ashamed of.
Remind them again and again that it’s not because of them. Kids are egocentric in the sense that in their imagination they might blame themselves for the divorce.
Initiate conversations about the divorce with your children. Just because they’re not asking you, doesn’t mean they’re not dwelling in it. So especially in the early days of the separation, initiate regular casual conversations with them to see where they are and what’s coming up for them.
Live your life happily. The best way you can help your child is to be happy, fulfilled, present, curious, and playful. Create new memories looking forward, not just looking back.