How Do I Stop Being Threatened by My Girlfriend’s Exes?

Hey Doc. I’m a teenage adult, former virgin, in his first actual relationship with a woman I love deeply. One big difference between us is our vastly different sexual past. Before her, I was a virgin who hadn’t actually been in a relationship. She, however, has let’s say around 12 previous sexual partners and 4 romantic partners (male and female). I knew that she had sexual experience before I had begun dating her, and it didn’t bug me. She was even talking to her previous ex when we started talking. I never liked the idea of my partner talking to exes, but who was I to ask her to stop talking to a guy she was friends with before me?

Then about a month or two in, something happened. One of her past hookups had started hanging around her again. As someone who thought it wouldn’t bug me, I was surprised to see this jealousy just suddenly flare up in me. Suddenly I had all of these questions invading my mind and holding onto it with a death grip. Being freshly 18, and an inexperienced lover, I lashed out with my jealousy. I felt threatened by this person I perceived as better/cooler than me and directed it at her. Since then, this person has left our lives for the most part (found out they’re not a good person at ALL. Whole other story) but since then, this jealousy has just been jumping from person to person (only the men honestly. Maybe this is some internalized shit, but I’m only ever threatened by the men in her past)

I asked more and more questions, learning about more and more of these people. I found out that she’s slept with her close guy friends in the past. Guy friends who she might still hang out with or talk to. Or if they haven’t slept together, the guy had feelings for her at one point. Even coworkers who she’s had small flirting flings with bug me knowing that she works with these guys. Every time she hangs out with or mentions these guys as her friends, my brain just force-feeds me images of her being with that guy sexually, or of them flirting. Even if it’s years in the past! I think the biggest trigger of these feelings is the fact that these people are still in her life. If she had guy friends that she didn’t have that history with, I wouldn’t care. If her ex-hookups, relationships, or flings weren’t people she talked to often it wouldn’t bug me to think about it as much. I feel like every time I hear about a guy friend in her life or run into someone she knows in public I can only think “has she been with this guy before?”

Through it all, she’s been completely honest with me about her history every time I’ve asked, even if it just made me feel worse. I have literally no reason not to trust her. I don’t think she’d cheat on me. I don’t want to control her. I don’t want to say who she can or can’t hang out with. I know all of these experiences has made her the beautiful woman she is today. If I could, I’d just snap my fingers and not feel these feelings anymore.

Now, we’re a year in and my jealousy STILL gets the better of me. There’s been times where I’ve made her cry when I’ve told her how I’m feeling. She’ll say things like “I wish you treated me like a human being”, and it just fucking destroys me. I’m so insecure that I’m going to fuck up this amazing thing I have going with this amazing girl. This is literally the one issue we have. The one thing we fight on. I don’t want to let something as stupid as my insecurity to ruin us.

I don’t even know if I’m looking for advice or just a place to vent. I feel like I have something mentally wrong with me to be feeling this intense jealousy and hurt over these things.

How do I fix this?

Failing Student of History

Every once in a while, I get a letter that leaves me pinching the bridge of my nose and reminding myself that the writer is very young before I respond.

OK before we start, I’m going to be honest: You don’t mention your girlfriend’s age, but I’m going to go ahead and assume that she’s around your age. If that’s the case, then I’m wondering just how many of these “sex partners” involved actual penetration and not just, y’know, extensive fooling around. 12 partners by the age of 18 is a lot in a relatively short amount of time, and that makes me suspect that these numbers are squishier than the letter would imply. Leaving aside issues of defining “sex” beyond PIV, this would hardly be the first time that encounters got rounded up to “sex”, especially in the head of the person who’s having a… let’s call it a “less than optimal” response to it all.

But the thing is: I don’t care. Much like when people detail the acts their partners did before them, the number is a distraction at best, at worst, it’s someone trying to make the other person look bad and make their jealousy seem justified or reasonable. I’m not all that interested in speculating on the hows and whys of it all because it’s not relevant. Even if this is 100% accurate and she has, indeed, had 12 partners before you, the numbers don’t matter. It doesn’t matter if she had 24 partners; this is entirely a you problem that you’re insisting on making a her problem, FSH.

This is, quite literally, all in your head – both the problem and the source of the problem. And the fact of the matter is that you’re only making things worse, in no small part because you’re not actually addressing the issue here. Until you do, nothing is going to improve; it’s only going to get worse, and this is going to follow you from relationship to relationship.

Here’s the thing: this is not about the fact guys she’s hooked up with are still in her life, nor would it be easier if her only guy friends were ones she never hooked up with or ever had an ounce of attraction to. Hell, even if she her sexual history was entirely confined to her 4 romantic partners and never proceeded past some PG-13 action, you’d still be having these issues. Because it’s not about her exes, it’s about how you feel about yourself.

The reason why you feel threatened by these guys is that you don’t feel like you have any inherent worth or value that your girlfriend would be attracted to. If it were just about her having slept with them and their still being around, you’d be far less worried about the ones who she just flirted with, or the ones who’re completely platonic but supposedly have/had feelings or her. You’re threatened by her exes, not because they’re her exes, but because you feel like they have qualities you don’t and that your girlfriend is going to be drawn back to them like a moth to a flame.

At the end of the day, you’re worried that someone’s gonna take your stuff because you’re just not good enough.

Part of this is, quite frankly, toxic and sex-negative bullshit about male and female sexuality. The fact that she’s had multiple sex partners before you hits your insecurity buttons because there’s a whole lot of crap floating in your head about how her having sex with you less special. She chose you, sure, but she chose all those other guys too, so now you’re a face in the crowd.

Now, instead of being The Chosen, you’re dealing with the belief that without some other quality to make you stand out from the crowd, you’re just the Johnny-Come-Lately and not nearly as cool, handsome, desirable or whatever random quality your jerkbrain will latch onto. And because you don’t believe you’re special or that she could choose you simply because you’re you and she wants you for that, these other guys are a threat. If she wakes up one day and decides she’s over you or is just upset because you two had yet another fight, she has her choice of suitors waiting in the wings to pick back up where they left off. It’s why random guys in her life are so threatening to you and you wonder whether she’s banged them too: because each previous sex-partner is one more person who underscores how not special you are.

This is why things haven’t gotten better in the year since you two started dating. You’ve never addressed the inner issue of how you feel about yourself. And to make it worse, you’re taking this internal problem – your worry that these guys are going to take what you have because you don’t measure up – and you’re lashing out at her, as though she were somehow the cause.

Here is a truth: sex doesn’t make you special or better or whatever. As I’ve said many, many times before: women aren’t Mjolnir. Women, like men, don’t only sleep with someone because they are The Worthy. Women, like men, will fuck people for a whole host of reasons, many of which have nothing to do with the person they end up sleeping with. Nor, for that matter, do they date people or become attracted to them in comparison to others in their lives. People don’t choose their partners based on lines on a graph and need to make sure the line only goes up. Someone who dates you isn’t dating you because you had more points on a spreadsheet than the other person, they’re dating you because they want to date you, specifically. Maybe you’re better than previous exes in some way. Maybe you’re not better than those exes in some way. None of that matters because those exes are exes for a reason, just like you are their partner for a reason.

But if you can’t believe in your own value, in your own worth and recognize that you’re a prize, none of that is going to matter, because you’re never going to relax. You’re always going to be looking for the shoe to drop because you will never be able to trust that they’re with you because they want to be with you.

And, quite frankly, I’m kind of astounded that she’s still with you based on how you’re treating her. There’re only so many times someone be called a liar every time they say “I love you” before they give up.

The fact of the matter is that you’re being an incredible asshole about this, and it’s entirely down to your own feeling about yourself. Yeah, I know imagining her with other people fucks with you. But you’re imagining it because you think you aren’t good enough, and this is your brain’s way of confirming this… in the worst and most painful way possible.

Until you address that inner lack and find your internal validation, you’re going to be having this problem regardless of who you date. It’s going to leak out, even if you’re dating someone who was a literal Vestal Virgin until the day you met; your jerkbrain will find reasons to feel threatened by the other men in her life simply because you can’t believe that someone would want you for your own sake.

If you want to save your relationship with your girlfriend – or any future relationships you may have – then you need to start with your relationship with yourself.

Actually, I take that back. You need to start by deeply and sincerely apologizing to your girlfriend for the way you’re acting. Then you need to start working on your relationship to yourself. And to be clear: this doesn’t mean that you need to start cultivating new hobbies or earn more money or get six-pack abs. It means that you need to start learning to believe that you’re great and desirable – even if other people don’t see or agree with it. Because it’s not about other people’s beliefs or opinions, it’s about yours. Without that core sense of self-worth, it won’t matter how much external validation you get. You’ll just be tossing it down a whole that’ll never be filled.

You’re going to have to fill that hole yourself. And hopefully you’ll do it before you hurt your girlfriend any further.

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Dear Dr. NerdLove,

Okay, so, I am going to preface this by saying that I have, like, the world’s strongest vasovagal response. If needles or any sort of other bodily intrusions are involved, I start leaving my body and passing right the fuck out. I’ve made it to the point where I can barely tolerate injections and blood draws after having needed them on a weekly basis during my childhood (I make it through by bringing a book and pretending like NOTHING THE FUCK IS HAPPENING, and then it’s right over, though sometimes I still need to lie down and have juice afterwards), I can only tolerate having an IV in me if the offending body part is wrapped in gauze and even then I’m dissociating heavily, and generally I start passing right the heck out during pelvic exams, too. I tried getting piercings once, and managed to make it through the initial needle part (again! with lying down and juice!) but found it was still freaking me out to have things, you know, in me, and took them out after a couple of days.

The same is true for photos of the same, and seeing it on TV. No horror movies or medical dramas for me!!!

This brings me to my boyfriend. He just told me that he’s getting a tattoo. I am writing you lying flat on my back on the sofa with my feet elevated and held against a wall because, guess what! My hands started and feet started feeling cold and the blood left my head, and some pretty wild nausea set in. I do not think I can get up without slumping over. I’m not super surprised because my vasovagal reflex kicks in even seeing people with new tattoos post them on social media (I’ve even had to unfollow some people). I have no problems, vasovagal or otherwise, with people who already have tattoos, so it really just is the initial body horror as interpreted by my brain part.

Anyway, what to do? On the vasovagal reflex front, I honestly don’t think there’s anything to do to change it. I’ve been through umpteen medical professionals, some of whom I’ve specifically sought out for advice on how to get through this, and, like, they have strategies for making it through the moment, but I’ve also needed EMDR for the lingering trauma of, say, the week of hospitalization + IV. I’ll set up another therapist appointment, but I’m not hopeful.

In short, I’m not sure I could get through my boyfriend getting a tattoo without it completely nuking my ability to spend time with him, much less our ability to have a sex life. On the other hand, I am fully aware that people get to do whatever they want with their bodies. What’s the appropriate thing to tell him in advance before he makes this decision? Beyond, like, what I told him about me nearly passing out when he told me over the phone. I’m ten days from moving across the country to be with him, so, like, if I need to call off the relationship, I’d like to do it, you know, before I uproot myself.

Thanks!

More Blood to my Head, Please

With the full understanding that Dr. NerdLove is not a real doctor of any sort, this sounds to me like the issue is your trypanophobia more than any sort of vasovagal response. From what you describe, your response is a symptom of your fear and trauma, and not addressing the root cause just lets it continue.

You mention that you’re looking into EMDR therapy, but maybe you should look into therapy specifically for addressing the phobia side of things. Exposure therapy – CONDUCTED AND MANAGED BY A TRAINED MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND YOUR OWN SANITY DO NOT TRY TO DIY EXPOSURE THERAPY – and cognitive behavioral therapy might go a lot farther to dealing with this issue.

Part of the problem with avoidant responses to phobia triggers is that those triggers rarely remain the only trigger. The more we try to avoid them, the more they compound themselves; because we’re avoiding the way they make us feel, we also start avoiding things that remind us of how we might feel… and then things that might lead to being reminded of how we might feel. And then… well, you know how it goes, you’re already having issues just hearing that your boyfriend is going to get a tattoo.

Well, I may not be any sort of doctor, but I know a lot about tattoos and getting tattoos, being about 30% tattoo ink by volume myself. So here’s what you’ll want to know to expect and how to minimize the ick factor on your end of things.

You’ve said that you have no problem with people’s tattoos in general; it’s just the fresh state that gets you. If the mere knowledge that he’s gotten one, even if you can’t see it, is going to be a problem, then you may want to prioritize both therapy and postponing your move. But the good news, is that the healing process for tattoos is relatively quick. Depending on a few factors, most tattoos move from the “fresh, red and angry” stage to “just colors on skin” within 5 days or so. There might be a bit of residiual swelling, but it’s not terribly noticeable unless you’re doing a very close observation and comparison.

The part that’s going to be an issue for you is going to be the immediate aftermath and first day or two after having been inked. If you can make it through that, you’ll have a much easier time.

Now, here’s the icky part. But do yourself a favor, this is information that I think you’ll want to know about.

(You may want to lay down and put your feet up as you read this, because I’m going to discuss what happens during and after a tattoo session…)

A tattoo is, by definition, skin damage. Ink is being injected into the dermis layers of the skin via needles, which means that there’s damage to the top layer of skin. The healing process is, in part, the skin’s method of dealing with all the jabs and scrapes. This is why the skin under and around a fresh tattoo is swollen. It’s also why, for the first day or two, there’s a lot of oozing of blood, plasma and ink; your body’s trying to heal itself by expelling the foreign material that was injected into it. But the good news is that the oozing rarely lasts long (with caveats – I’ll go into that in a minute) and the swelling tends to subside quickly. So within a few days, things aren’t going to be nearly as triggering as might be when the new ink is still fresh from the gun.

Now, lot of the post-tattooing process is going to depend on your boyfriend and his tattoo artist; every artist out there is going to have their own instructions for how to heal a tattoo. Get six tattoo artists together and you’re going to get seven opinions on whether wet or dry healing is better. In my personal experience, what will help speed the healing, minimize scabbing and peeling is to use what’s known as Saniderm on the tattoo. Saniderm looks a lot like plastic wrap, like you would use to cover up leftovers, but it’s used by doctors and hospitals to do provide a sterile, waterproof but breathable cover to things like severe burns.

(Despite how it sounds, I’m not sponsored by Saniderm, nor do I get any sort of reward or considerations from them; I just find the stuff works like goddamn magic. But hey, if y’all are reading this, let’s talk…)

After he’s done getting inked, your boyfriend should wash his new tattoo with a gentle soap (I recommend Ivory) and water, pat it dry (PAT, not rub) with a paper towel and cover the new tattoo with Saniderm. His artist will be able to help him apply it. Over the first 24 hours, the tattoo will ooze ink and plasma; this is normal. The Saniderm, if properly applied, will keep the post-tattoo ooze from getting everywhere.

Now, some artists recommend changing the Saniderm after the first day; some will suggest leaving it on longer. I’ve typically kept mine on for two days or so before removal. If your boyfriend’s artist suggests changing it after 24 hours, then he’ll want to get in the shower with warm water and slowly peel the Saniderm away, then gently wash it with warm water and soap (again, you want something with as few additives, colors and scents as possible; this is why I recommend Ivory), pat it dry and apply fresh Saniderm.

This gets left in place for a few days – usually about 3-5, or if it starts peeling off on its own. At this point, the tattoo looks significantly less gnarly. Once your boyfriend removes the Saniderm for the second time, he’ll want to wash it with soap and water twice daily, pat it dry and apply a thin lair of moisturizer (something gentle and unscented) or tattoo balm. I’ve had good results with the Billy Jealousy line, but there’re a number of good aftercare products out there.

This is the point where it’ll be much easier for you to deal with the tattoo; it’ll look mostly healed, aside from some minor residual swelling.

For the next week or two, he’ll want to continue washing it twice a day and applying a thin layer of moisturizer or balm when it feels dry. There will be a period where it’ll peel, much like the aftermath of a sunburn; it’ll be important that he doesn’t pick at the peeling bits. But other than keeping it clean and moisturized, his tattoo will look like just another part of him, not something new inflicted by needles.

And speaking from personal experience: the tattoos I’ve healed with Saniderm (instead of plastic wrap and surgical tape) have had minimal peeling or scabbing and healed faster. So that’ll be a benefit for the both of you.

Now, depending on when he’s getting tattooed, he’ll be well through the healing stages that are most likely to trigger you by the time you get to his city. If he gets another tattoo, (and he probably will; like chips, people almost never stop with just one tattoo, no matter what they tell themselves. Ask me how I know…), you may want to make some sort of arrangement that will make it easier for you to avoid looking at the tattoo site for the first couple days or seeing it by accident. You should be fine by day two or three, but you’ll have to use your own best judgement.

Practically speaking, if he’s cool with, say, wearing a loose bathrobe or finding another way of covering up the tattoo over the first couple days, it should be easy for you to ignore it or pretend it’s not there until it’s healed enough not to trigger your phobia. You may also want to mute or avoid his social media for a bit to avoid seeing it on Instagram or Pixelfeed or what-have-you. If you both use social media that uses keywords, then you may want to agree on ones he’ll tag posts with, so you can mute them in advance. Remind him to use alt text on his photos, too, so the mute will catch those, too.

But like I said: that’s about avoiding the symptoms, and you’ll need to address the source. Treating the phobia specifically will go a long way to reducing the effect it has on you. Otherwise, you run the risk of running into issues like this at times when you won’t be able to prepare in advance.

Good luck.

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This post was previously published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished on Medium.

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