How Do I Stop Hating Myself for Being a Virgin?

Hey doc I know I’m not the first to write about this subject and probably not the last but my 28th birthday is creeping around and I’m still a virgin. I don’t like it, I don’t wanna accept it and I wanna change because I treat it less like a value neutral experience and more like a tumor growing on the side of my head – IE impossible to ignore and blatant character flaw.

I’ve asked some of my girlfriends in my life if they minded dating theoretical older virgin (because JFC I’m not outing as a loser in front of them, that’s social suicide) and their response ranged from not a big deal to well, being just slightly odd but not a deal breaker. They told me they care more about like how kind he is, if he’s gold and well if he’s emotionally intelligent. But the negative brain worm in my head tells be this is BS that they would freak out and call him a dangerous incel because he’s older virgin (that’s what an incel is, a virgin struggling to get laid) and it’s because this mindset I’m not only not compassionate to myself but other virgins. Hell, a woman online her husband was a virgin at 28 and he’s amazing and wonderful and such a real resentful sparky part of me wanted to tell her to leave him because she deserves better than an older virgin. Which again I see as this shameful and a deep character flaw.

On top of that I’m constantly comparing myself to my friends, my coworkers and my brother who I know for a for a fact that NONE ZERO ZILCH NADA of them are virgins because how well socially calibrated and stable they are, how they can find relationships be it romantic or sexually yet I struggle because I hate myself for being a virgin and we’ll all the negativity not just from men but women too. One side tells you you’re a loser because you’re not getting laid with 5 women every week and the other tells you you’re dangerous to women because your lack of sexual experience. I mean there is a reason virgin in an insult for God sake (if you’re a cis male).

So what do I do? How do I embrace and accept this as value neutral? How do I let these negativity worms stop squirming in my head? And assuming the worst about myself and other virgins?

Negativity Wormed

I want to highlight something you say at the start of your letter, NW:

“I treat it less like a value neutral experience and more like a tumor growing on the side of my head – IE impossible to ignore and blatant character flaw.”

This is a solid indication of the problem you’re facing: the fact you’re taking something that literally nobody would know about you unless you told them, and you’re treating it like there’s a massive, flashing neon sign hanging over your head and giant chip on your shoulder. This attitude of “it’s a blatant character flaw” suffuses basically everything you’ve written to the point that it’s almost willful in how much you seem to want to be angry about it. In fact, I pulled your letter because, frankly, this is the most “I don’t care about what the facts say, what about what I want to believe?” letter I’ve seen in a long, long time.

I mean, good God, you get presented with multiple versions of “yeah, being an older virgin isn’t a big deal” by people you know and trust and your first impulse is to call them a liar because… why, exactly? No, seriously, why would you assume they’re lying about this? And when you see someone for whom this isn’t a theoretical exercise, someone who married an older virgin and who’s thrilled to death with him, you want to yell at her and tell her to divorce a guy she loves. Because, again, reasons.

Do I really need to point out that this isn’t exactly something that’s going to endear you to people who might help you lose your virginity? 

Then there’re your friends and coworkers who you assume have to be virgins because they’re normal and happy and have friends and social lives. Even if we leave aside that you have no way of actually knowing who is or isn’t a virgin or to what degree (hey, maybe they’ve only done mouth stuff, you don’t know!), I’m kind of impressed at your insistence on ignoring reality because it contradicts what you want to believe.

I’m honestly hard pressed to think of a more glaring “the call is coming from inside your head” example that I’ve seen in the last 10 years.

Now the reason for this is pretty easy to identify. So easy, honestly, that I really feel like I should program a macro so I don’t have to keep typing it: you’re swimming in a sea of shitty subreddits and tiktok videos and other crab buckets that just keep telling you that you’re an awful person for being a virgin. You’ve made being one of those crabs your identity, so much so that you keep pulling yourself back into the bucket whenever there’s an opportunity to crawl out.

The tell-tale signs are kinda obvious. I mean, there’s misunderstanding what an incel is or why people don’t like them. The issue isn’t about being a virgin, it’s the hatred. There’re folks out there who are virgins that don’t want to be but aren’t seething in ressentiment about Chads and women who deny them what they think they’re due and nobody’s worried about them because hey, they’re normal people! They’re out having lives, enjoying their friendships and otherwise being good ol’ boys, never meaning no harm. It’s the folks complaining about ‘roasties’ or sluts or whatever the new derogatory term they’ve come up with, who are celebrating school shootings and “St. Elliot” that folks abhor, for what I would think are obvious reasons.

As the saying goes: if they ain’t describing you, then they ain’t talking about you.

Similarly, the reason why “virgin” gets flung around as an insult isn’t because being a virgin is shameful, it’s because the people flinging it around are enforcing toxic ideas about masculinity and manhood. Which is one of the reasons why life gets a hell of a lot happier when you, say, stop paying attention to people who tell you that you’re a loser because you’re a virgin and that you’re a virgin because you’re a loser.

And let’s be real here: this is an easy problem to solve. You – yes you, NW – could solve this problem tonight. It’s money soluble; you could very easily find an escort, fill out her booking form, pay her fee and bingo bango bongo, you’re no longer a virgin. Surely goodness and mercy will follow you for the rest of your days. If you wanted to ensure that there’s no legal risk, you could fly out to Reno and hie thyself to one of the legal brothels; many of them will even send a car to pick you up at the airport.

But that’s not going to actually solve anything, would it? You would insist that this “doesn’t count”. You will undoubtedly proclaim that this is just “cheating” or somehow confirms your greater loserdom. Which, ok, fine… in that case, you need to pretend that you don’t hate yourself and everyone around you, hit the local meat market and wait until last call and the lights come on; the odds that there’s going to be someone lingering who doesn’t want to go home alone are pretty high. It would require a mutual “standards are for closers” mentality, but again: you would find someone to have sex with that didn’t involve paying a person for a service. Skidoo skideen your virginity’s nowhere to be seen. Problem solved.

Except it won’t be. Because the problem isn’t that you’re a virgin. The problem is that you don’t like yourself and you’ve made hating yourself and anyone similar to you your entire personality, and that’s what you need to deal with.

And therein lies the issue. You’re not going to change this until such a time as you decide that you want things to be better more than you want to be “right”. All of this is entirely predicated on the idea that there must be something wrong with you and you deserve this, and you’re out actively seeking “proof” that you’re correct. This is why you lose your shit at people who don’t follow the script you and the toxic Greek Chorus in your head and on your phone have written for them; they’re forcing you to confront the likelihood that you’re wrong and you’ve spent all this time marinating in misery and hate for no reason. As perverse as it all sounds, it’s a lot easier to stick with “I hate myself and I’m the most awful person alive” than to say “well shit, I’ve wasted years of my life when I didn’t have to and now I have nothing to show for it.”

Do you want to get rid of those negative worms? Prove it. Prove to me that you actually want to get better, instead of looking for one more thing that you can half-ass and then hold up as “proof” that nothing will can be done. Because if that’s all you want… well, you’re going to have to admit that this is what you’re doing, because I’m not here to validate your lack of agency.

Once again, I’m thinking I need to program those macros, because the first step is, as always: get the fuck off Reddit. You need to do a full digital detox; shut down your 4chan account, delete your TikTok and Instagram profiles and dip out of all your angry bitter nerd Discords, because all you’re doing is just bathing in self-loathing and self-inflicted misery. If you stop constantly mainlining all these people who tell you that you’re awful and who insist that there’s nothing you can do about it, you will be astounded how your attitude will start rebounding. After all, you have people in your life who clearly love and care for you and don’t give a damn about whether you’re one of the Great Untouched; it’s a lot easier to accept their care when you don’t have all the bitter fellow travelers constantly dripping poison in your ear. Maybe you might actually realize they’re not lying to you if you don’t have other, shitty people insisting that they couldn’t possibly mean what they say.

The next thing you need to do is actually treat yourself like you matter and deserve good things. You’re expecting this sort of mistreatment and abuse from people because you’re the first person in line to abuse yourself… and not in the fun way. It’s less that you’re teaching other people how to treat you so much as you’re teaching yourself that you “deserve” to be treated this way. You create the situation where you end up rejecting people who are showing you that maybe you’re wrong about this, like a dog snapping at hands of people trying to feed it and care for it.

When is the last time that you’ve done something that made you feel good about yourself? Not some act of consumption for the dopamine hit – no buying a new game to fill the empty hours, no getting online to complain about the latest DC or Marvel movie, but something that made you feel good about being you? Something that actually fed your soul and made you glad to be alive? When is the last time that you’ve treated yourself the way you think you’d be treated if you weren’t a virgin? The odds are good that it’s next to never. Well… it’s time to change that.

Do a deep clean of your living space. I don’t just mean tidying up. I mean open all the windows to air it out, flip the mattress, dust all the shelves, equipment and books, vacuum the rugs, sweep the floors, bleach and clean the kitchen and bathroom, steam clean the upholstery. Think of this as a spiritual renewal ­­– cleansing your home in order to create a new beginning, free of the negativity and emotional squalor you’ve built up so that you can have a fresh start.

Then it’s time to do a purge of your closet and start dressing in clothes that fit properly and make you feel like a sexy bad-ass. I don’t care if you don’t feel like you “deserve” it or that it’s a costume or whatever; do it anyway. Nobody is gatekeeping the clothes you’re allowed to wear any more than they actually give a flying fuck about your virginity, so you may as well wear the cool shit you think you aren’t “allowed” to or “isn’t” you but you want to wear anyway.

Then write up a list of things you’re grateful for. Yes, you have them, we both know you do; you just prefer acting like you don’t because it’s easier to be angry and bitter that way. You’re going to actually acknowledge the good things in your life and at least once a day you’re going to tell someone in your life that you’re grateful for them. Thank some of those ladies who you quizzed for being a friend. Tell your co-workers that you enjoy and appreciate working with them. Let your parents know you love them. Hell, tell some creators of your favorite media that you enjoy and appreciate their work. No hedging, no qualifying, just “I love your work and it means a lot to me.”

Is it cheesy? Is it a bit cringe, even? Possibly… but first, explain what’s cringe about expressing gratitude and appreciation to the people bringing joy to your life and why being angry and cynical is better. That hasn’t exactly been making you happy or improving your life, so it’s time to try doing something different.

Then, while you’re doing all of this? It’s time to look into finding a therapist who specializes in dialectical behavioral therapy. You’ve spent a lot of time building up negative associations and living in a perpetual state of psychic self-harm and emotional dysregulation. You need to give yourself a break and start learning how to actually track and manage your emotions and start working towards treating yourself like you give a damn instead of looking for more reasons to punch yourself in the nuts.

But like I said: none of this is going to make a difference unless you want things to be better more than you want to be “right”. So if you sincerely want things to be different and to extract those negative worms, you need to commit to actually doing the work. And that starts with the digital detox I told you; none of the rest is going to work if you keep letting the other crabs drag you back into the bucket.

It’s time to be your own hero, NW.

Good luck.

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Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I didn’t know about the term “incel” until the Toronto van attack when I was in my mid-20s. At the time, I didn’t think much of it and focused on self-improvement — my career, fitness, skills, and building a social circle — because I really didn’t want to end up like that.

Now I’m 32, and despite all my efforts, I still haven’t had romantic or sexual success. I’ve realized that I am involuntarily celibate and I really want to change that. What steps can I take to stop being involuntarily celibate and start forming real romantic connections?

Thanks for any guidance you can offer.

Trying To Be Better

Well, the obvious tip would be to look at what Negativity Worm is like and do the opposite of all of that. But that’s neither fair nor helpful, so let’s get serious for a second.

I do wish you’d told me more about what you’re doing to change and what hasn’t worked, because then I could give you some more specific advice or helped you troubleshoot your process. What you’ve given me doesn’t tell me much, so I can’t tell you what you are or aren’t doing wrong.

Now that doesn’t mean that I don’t have some suspicions. One of the things that I think is a problem is that you’re doing the same thing that a lot of guys do: you’re focusing a lot on things that don’t actually lead to relationships. Working on your career and your fitness is admirable, don’t get me wrong… but people aren’t dating your resume, nor your bank account, nor how fast you run a mile, how much you bench or your resting heart rate.

A more important metric is “how many people do you talk to on a weekly basis” and “how often do you get out of your apartment and do stuff with other people?” As much as guys chase six figure bank accounts or six-pack abs, none of that matters if you don’t actually have social skills. All of dating revolves around how you make people feel when they’re around you; even if you’re focusing on the apps, you’re still going to be meeting them in person. You still have to be able to flirt, to help them have fun with you and to otherwise give them a reason to want to see you again.

So, what I would suggest is that you take the same focus you put towards developing your career and your skills and put it towards being a socially engaged person who has a life outside their apartment. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to practice talking with strangers – men, women, non-binary folks, everyone – and getting comfortable just making small talk. Being a more social person in general, someone who is comfortable talking to folks and who people like to talk to, is hands down one of the best skills you can develop. If you’re comfortable talking to people in general, it’s that much easier to chat them up when it “counts”; you won’t first have to fight through your own anxiety and inertia before you can get to something as simple as “hi, my name is…”

I would also suggest getting comfortable with flirting and expressing interest in people. Now, this doesn’t mean that you need to roll into every interaction like you’re Pepe Le Pew trying to convince that sexy maybe-skunk into coming wiz you to ze Cazbah; it just means being willing to tell someone what you like about them. There’re as many ways to flirt as there are people, but all of them entail saying “I like you because…”.

On a practical level, this can be as simple as getting in the habit of paying people a compliment on something that they’ve clearly done or decided on for themselves. Telling someone that they’ve got great style or you dig their tattoos is validating a choice they’ve made; this is far more meaningful (and easier to accept) than telling them that they’re lucky for having won the genetic lottery.

It could also be a willingness to be a little playful or forward – think of John Barrowman as Captain Jack Harkness and then dial it from a 10 to a 2. Or you could try a bit of light banter with them and see if they toss it back to you with an intent of playing along. Or just be sincere in wanting to know more about them.

The third thing is that you want to come to every interaction with people who might want to date with a mindset of “Ok, I know you’re attractive, but what do you have going for you that makes you right for me?” The key isn’t that you’re acting like you’re the King of the Club and they have to earn your approval; it’s simply that we all have limited time on this world and you don’t want to spend it on someone who’s a bad match. So you focus on getting to know the person and seeing what makes them tick, what makes them interesting and – importantly – if you and they mesh in the ways that you’d need to have a relationship with them.

Related to this is that I highly recommend taking the off the pressure to get “results” and instead to be open to any outcome. If you have a good conversation with a lovely lady, then that’s a win, even if you don’t get a phone number out of it. If you meet some cool people and maybe get invited to a weekly poker game – win. If you just have a nice drink or two and an entertaining night out – win. This dials down the “stakes” that can create anxiety and pressure by turning every conversation into something you can fail. That, in turn, lets you be more present in the moment, to show more interest in the person you’re talking to and to be your best and most authentic self, instead of trying to “prove” yourself to them or “earn” their attention.

The last thing I would suggest is to spend some time getting to know your city and what sorts of options are available to you. Knowing, for example, that this museum has events on alternate Saturdays or the local garden center teaches classes on Sunday afternoons or that this bar hosts live bands every third Thursday gives you not just a list of interesting things to do, but potential dates that you could invite people to. I will stress that you should plan dates that you think you would enjoy and that you would want to take someone to; it’s much easier to have a good time – and help your date have a good time – when it’s something you don’t have to brace yourself for or that you aren’t into.

Remember: people won’t necessarily remember what you say, especially when you first meet them… but they will definitely remember how you made them feel. Focus on that, and you’ll make life a lot easier when it comes to making real connections… including the ones that could lead to love.

Good luck.

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This post was previously published on doctornerdlove.com and is republished on Medium.