We hear a lot of complaints about men who aren’t able to connect emotionally, so where to they begin to change that?
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I received a call this week from a man who pointed out that there is a lot available to people about how men are emotionally unavailable, and about why men become emotionally unavailable, but very little about how men can be more emotionally available!
It hit me between the eyes, how much we talk about the “problem” but not the solution.
Whether you’re available or not, nothing is ever for sure, only for maybe.
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How I understand emotional unavailability as a personal development coach, is a lack of ability to deepen connections with yourself or others in a way that provides availability to the full emotional experience that that connection brings.
Whether you’re available or not, nothing is ever for sure, only for maybe. So for most people it boils down to choosing limiting connection because of fear. It’s a coping strategy, which I have written about on The Good Men Project before.
So how do you become more available and be the man you truly want to be while still feeling safe and remaining open to flow?
#1—Be patient with yourself and the process
It’s a lifelong process, this is not a quick fix or finish line. It is an evolution, allowing you to become more and more you and less and less your fears or conditioning.
You start by noticing where and how your unavailability is holding you back from connection, self-acceptance, and living with ease. Reflection is key, you can do it through journaling, asking loved ones you trust what they think, going to therapy, or working with a personal development coach.
… food, alcohol, drugs, sex, and so on can soothe to some degree, but are more likely to create disconnect or unavailability than openness in the long run.
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You stop seeing emotional unavailability as a flaw and instead as a strategy to safety. You begin to see that up until this point it has probably served you really well and now just like a shirt you once loved that kept you warm and fit you well, you are outgrowing it.
The signs of outgrowing it are a desire to deepen your connection with yourself or others, a calling to self-discover, a desire to want more meaning in your life and to question where you are and what you want.
Often when a man is developing this awareness he can become unsure of his ability to really move forward, thinking “things never go my way” or “I always mess things up” or “this is just how it is.” These are the types of self-talk someone who is unavailable has because they live in fear and are always protecting themselves over fully living or experiencing life.
#2—Learn to comfort yourself when you’re afraid
One key skill to be developed early on on this journey is self-soothing. You need to work out all the ways you can care for yourself without withdrawing or shutting life out. So maybe hobbies, therapy, a coach, art, walking, work, positive self-talk, affirmations, support groups, people who really get you, journaling, getting to know your needs and so on …
How you approach self-soothing has be developed in as many healthy ways as possible; food, alcohol, drugs, sex, and so on can soothe to some degree, but are more likely to create disconnect or unavailability than openness in the long run.
#3—Add in courage and self-compassion
You’ll need both the courage to risk living more openly and the compassion to know when you need the comfort of self-soothing on this journey.
Being available for [life]simply means you are present to experience it rather than avoiding it, clinging to it, fearing it, controlling it, or rejecting it.
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Becoming emotionally available for a man is about getting in the game of life, playing as the midfielder. Learning how to manage yourself in life’s happenings, instead of avoiding or controlling life’s happenings. Learning when to rely and open up and when to hold your own council.
#4—Let go of control over anything but your own choices
Stop trying to control what people think of you or how you look or how things “should” be done. Focus your attention on yourself in a compassionate way and don’t get caught up in controlling others. Control is an attempt to stay safe and it automatically cuts you off from your own healing and makes you unavailable.
#5—Be open to new experiences
Try out new places and doing small things a little differently. This opens you up to the flow that positive psychology talks about. It allows you to push the comfort zone in safe ways. It allows you to be more available to life.
It is a balancing act and, like I have already said, there isn’t one right way. There is your way and your journey.
Life will happen, it will hurt and it will feel amazing. That is for sure. Being available for it simply means you are present to experience it rather than avoiding it, clinging to it, fearing it, controlling it, or rejecting it.
Most of all, being available is about being you. It’s about owning your gut reactions, fears and conditioning, rather than them owning you.
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Photo: Getty Images
I hate this part. When I read the article, my thoughts were, ‘ok, we see it. Its all over this board, why are we still kicking the heck our of our boys and men out there. Why are we all not understanding, and doing what she is doing. At least she is trying, yes?’ Had nothing to do with whether Sile was qualified because she is a woman; above my pay grade. It was a rant to the rest of us, and yes, women too. They are human and they will tend to ignore sexism that favors them. They will… Read more »
Hi, Someone has defined what they called “5 languages of love”. And it seems that people who are in a relationship and want to be loved and confirmed along different “languages”, often misinterpret the intentions of the other. I don’t know, but I’ve seen a lot of men ”shut down” emotionally, simply because they feel that they aren’t being heard or are treated as little children in their relationship. They are in fact very available, practically AND emotionally, but they are more or less required to just be there without getting much in form of confirmation in return. Perhaps, at… Read more »
HI Flyingkal
One question.
All the men you know that shut down, why do they stay in the relationship?
Unless they are married with kids, I do not understand why they choose to go on and why they do not communicate instead of simpy withdrawing emotionally and at the same time continue a romantic relationship .
Hi KIM,
“I do not understand why they choose to go on and why they do not communicate instead of simpy withdrawing emotionally ”
The answer is already in the previous post. I suggest you try and read it again a bit more carefully.
Hi KIM, “I do not understand why they choose to go on and why they do not communicate instead of simply withdrawing emotionally and at the same time continue a romantic relationship .” While your question was directed to FlyingKal, I wish to indulge you, if I may. The reason men persist in this behavior is rooted in two things: 1) fear and 2) the inability to find a solution. Let’s expand on each, starting with fear. I was married for a very long time (> 15 years). The marriage was miserable for me. Out of the 17 yrs or… Read more »
Jules, I mostly agree with you (thank you for the elaborate answer, BTW) but I have some additional thoughts about this: ”Between the fear and the inability to find a solution, the man shuts down.” I wonder if what makes us shut down can really be characterized as just fear? You say it yourself, this is what we’ve been raised, taught and socialized to do. Most of us have had it ringing in our ears from the first day we can remember having a coherent thought. Some of us have even had I beaten into us. And as adults, our… Read more »
Flyingkal
Whatever happened to the welfare state Sweden ?
Today the welfare state is your security net, that and a good education, and to have the skills to get a job and keep a job. Plus of course having good knowledge about economy, kink how about investment, pensions, insurances you can buy…..
( Maybe the welfare state will will change with the large numbers of newcomers, refugee and migrants).
It is NOT men that are women’s number security net in Sweden today.
It is NOT!
And if men are raised thinking it is ,then we all have a problem .
Misspellings Knowledge about investment ,pensions etc. In fact knowledge and skills to survive and thrive in the society you live in. And if parents raise boys believing that women do not have a security net in a welfare state like the Swedish one, . If thy raise their sons to see women as persons without eduction that give them skills and qualification to earn money . If they raise little boys to be blind to equality of the sexes in Sweden , then I wonder why they do so. Some persons lack skills about their own society and how to… Read more »
KIM, You write about the security net being “ a good education, and to have the skills to get a job and keep a job.” What is this, if not being a provider? Thank you for reinforcing my point for me, Kim! What the welfare state Sweden will provide perhaps could be translated to “minimum for subsistence”. And even if it might seem rather high at times, I don’t think there’s a lot of people who are actually content to be in this situation, and much less are happy about it. Especially not if they have a family to provide… Read more »
I see you misunderstand what I tried to say. I was not thinking of people living on welfare . That can happen to those living in America too. People can end on welfare there as well. My argument is the welfare STATE. A society designed , organised and with different values , differently from the U.S. I do not know what Juies and his wife pays for the sons education . Kindergarten , use of health care , hospitals ., putting your old parents in a nursing home… Thing like that. Unless you are well insured that cost more in… Read more »
Hi Kim, I was talking about most of the aspects of being a provider, not just the education that you picked up on. (And BTW, childcare, homes for the elderly, and healthcare is not exactly free of charge in Sweden, even if what we pay for some of these services is far from the actual cost.) Now, would you have any comment on the issue I brought up in the first place? “Men need to become more emotionally available”, is that really all there’s to it? Or could we as society also become better at listening and interpreting the ways… Read more »
Also. “If thy raise their sons to see women as persons without eduction that give them skills and qualification to earn money . If they raise little boys to be blind to equality of the sexes in Sweden , then I wonder why they do so.” Yes, most women in Sweden earn their own income. But it still seems rather common that her income is her money, while the income of the man is “public property” within the family. So you’re right that some people are raised to be blind to equality, in Sweden as well as elsewhere. But perhaps… Read more »
@FlyingKal,
Hello my friend!!
You make some good points.
The bar is set high for men with little tolerance for failure.
Being that you are in Sweden, I did not know men there ere raised like here in the US. Same pressures? I would have thought it would be less.
Hi Jules 🙂 “Being that you are in Sweden, I did not know men there ere raised like here in the US. Same pressures? I would have thought it would be less.” Well, I would estimate that compared to the US, we do have (on average) a much higher involvment from dads with the children, on personal, day-to-day basis. So to some extent the pressure IS less. But seeing that we have so much influence from culture and societal pressures that is often unspoken, I think the difference in pressure is a matter of magnitude and not character, if I… Read more »
Jules
I will respond some other day.
It is nearly impossible to write comments on this website..
But right now all my attention is on the terrorist attacks in Brussels.
DAESH ( the so called Islamic state) is in war with Europe it seems and it sure is scary.
KIM, Thanks for your reply.. Yes, it is hard when it refresh without warning. That’s why I write my comments in Notepad and copy to GMP. I don’t lose them. That DAESH is really really scary and makes me angry. Here in the US we have rampant Islamic phobia. Too many of US hate Muslims for no reason. That too is sad and scary. It also angers me. I don’t have an answer for ISIS. Even if we were to militarily crush it, I am not so sure it will stop the terrorist attacks. So sad these innocent people lost… Read more »
Jules I learn a lot about Islam these days. Since I take part in the online debate with Muslims. The Imam in our city has invited anyone to visit . Imams do so many ugly stupid things here in Europe , that all the good ones needs are welcome. Muslims are here to stay and more will come. We Christiams need to learn more about Islam , and how the quaran are interpreted in so many different ways. And they need to learn more about us. There will be more terrorist attacks. And I never spend any time in central… Read more »
Thank you Jules, you explain it so well.
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1: Fear
2: Inability to find solutions
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Men are taught the we MUST have good and healthy families. Our wives MUST always be happy. Anything less is a failure AND you as a man are directly responsible. We are charged with the responsibility of always pleasing our wives. If our wives are unhappy, then it MUST be my fault as a husband.”
Jules, no man can live up to ideals and expectations like that. It is impossible and also unhealthy .
@ KIM, No, you are right. Few men can do it over any serious length of time. This is what drives many men to self destructive behavior. Men, even successful men, feel the pressures of not being able to live up to the expectations society has placed upon them as well as women. I think that is why so many men today are “opting out” here in the US. But, “opting out” is more like giving up and just surrendering. It is not a healthy alternative. But, for many men it is better than trying to live up to all… Read more »
Flyingkal The idea that we all have different love languages is interesting. I took the online test and the result surprised me actually :). The critic is that there are no scientific bases for this idea. It is a good idea,but not based on reseach and facts. But I am certain that it is wise to make an effort and try to figure out how our partner prefer to be loved and what you can do to make him most happy . I think our most prefered love language also may change over time as we develops,grows and meet all… Read more »
Hi again KIM
No there might not be scientific bases for this idea.
But a lot of people express frustration that men and women often seem to speak different languages, and the theory of 5 love languages (or more) seems to me like a rather plausible explanation.
I took the test today to find out what is my love language.
Obviously many seems to like book, but some are very critical.
I am not a church goer ,but think the man of church talking about the dangers of this book about the 5 lahttp://theseedchurch.org/2013/10/29/a-critique-of-the-5-love-languages/nguages has some good points.
I hope you will have a good Easter this year!
http://theseedchurch.org/2013/10/29/a-critique-of-the-5-love-languages/
Again, KIM,
I’m not basing my argument on the book, or the theory itself. I just brought it up as an example of the experiences a lot of people seem to have that they aren’t heard or understood by, or able to connect with their partner. So bringing up the critic you refer to is rather pointless here.
Now, did you have anything to say that actually related to the questions I posed, instead of trying to derail them?
Flyingkal
I had no intention of derailing .
If you see any kind of conversation as efforts to derail you unless I am in total agreement with everything you say, well then I understand it is best to keep my mouth shut and turn my attention to others here.
I actually did have something to say here and find the issue interesting
But you sound like an grumpy old man now so I better leave you alone.
KIM, Communication requieres an active sender (transmitter) and a receiver. I brought up the point that instead of perpetually beating men as flawed communicators, as being prone to clam up and not express their feelings, perhaps, just perhaps, we should also put a little attention to whether there are any receivers working. And you have done 2 things here. You have questioned the life choises of the men I took as examples (“I do not understand why they choose to go on and why they do not communicate”), and you have questioned the scientific accuracy of what I took as… Read more »
That is how “A” man may, possibly do so. That may work one man at a time, and it may be good for some men. Not sure about any of that process. I am sure that the way that “men” do is by pushing society off of our back, to stop being conditioned according to the desires of women or society, but our own, because if we continue to be directed by what society decides we should be we will continue chasing our tails. We’ve been here in the 70s with the, Alen Alda male. No sooner did guys acquiesce… Read more »
May I ask you sometime DJ. I do not want to start a fight, so listen and understand I do not want a fight. Men’s rights movement ask for reproduction rights. Today have asked myself “what does it mean to be emotional available “? And the only way I can understand it is by imagine a mother and her baby. Or an adult that takes good care of a baby. If this mother is not emotional available to the baby, the child can not develop into a health person . But can I as a woman expect the same type… Read more »
I think I felt some of what DJ was feeling. That MRA phrased it well. When women have issues we need a societal solution. When men have issues, men need to fix it. He feels like he’s in a fight because men have always been alone in that society isn’t there for men. I try to keep in mind that the authors intent is good, but she lacks understanding. I’ve had this conversation with women here before. Men are smart enough to try and express themselves in situations they feel might be safe. Men do try, but since they don’t… Read more »
Pretty much, John. Lectured to and abandoned, brought front and center only when to be disparaged or blamed, ignored when they need help because we’ve all been conditioned (not just men) to feel repulsed by the man in need. One can log onto the internet at any time and read about male responsibility to women, to help women, to stop violence against women. Not a bad thing, but how many articles do we read (beyond here) asking women to suck it up and start helping men. We see feminist demanding we raise our boys to be feminist, calling themselves egalitarians,… Read more »
John “Men are smart enough to try to express them selves in situations they might feel safe.” Yes , I am sure this is a correct description. But should we not see ” being emotional available ” as meaning more than that a person can express himself ? Imagine the peeson, child or adult that say about somebody else that he is not emotionally available. At least I think we here talk about more about if a person can express himself or not. Imagine the tiny baby and its mother. The baby needs a lot more than a mother that… Read more »
Hi Kim, You want my opinion? Sure. May make for good discussion. First let me state that my contention is not an argument against the author. One to one, for men that need such, I’m sure it is a good thing, and I’m sure the author is a good woman. I can’t judge that. I’m not an expert in that field. I do actually admire her for seeking to help men that are in need though. That is chivalry, the good kind, and she is a chivalrous and honorable woman. Where I detach is the way such an article will… Read more »
It seems we agree.
To be soft is not the same thing as being emotional available. Not at all!
And we also seem to agree a bit about some aspects of the debate about reproduction rights.
Both men and women can be emotional unavailable .
Sometimes a woman will not be sexually emotional available to her partner ,for all sorts of different reasons but it is similar phenomena as when we talk about men not being emotionally available . At least it look similar to me. But I am not qualified to say.
Question two? How do you find that emotionally available man? Again, I’m not a councilor that can give advice (I’d suspect that Sile could easily take me to task if I tried) I can only give my personal opinion. The opinion I often lend to men is that I believe that they need to drop the façade of rote learned dating and be themselves from the first date. I believe they need to stop trying to impress women and begin evaluating them. Stop with the flowers and door opening, and start examining the women across the table from them so… Read more »
Perhaps, what we call being “emotional unavailable” sometimes is more related to the perceptive abilities of the people surrounding us?
Perhaps babies and infants, not casted in the rigors of a socially engineered upbringing, are more adept at picking up different kinds of emotional communication than we are as adults?
Just a thought.
KIM! “And the only way I can understand it is by imagine a mother and her baby. Or an adult that takes good care of a baby. If this mother is not emotional available to the baby, the child can not develop into a health person . But can I as a woman expect the same type of care ,love and sensitivity from a man that is my partner ?” In my opinion, babies and infant children requires a rather different kind of care and love than an adult partner, in that Children aren’t really equipped to nurture themselves. Would… Read more »
I wouldn’t be so harsh on her. The main problem I see in this article is it assumes that men can heal themselves Much like an addict, men may be able to recognize a problem, but don’t have the tools to address it. Men already need to have a safe space or as I think you’re suggesting men need to create a safe space. Ultimately, why shouldn’t the majority of spaces be safe for men to expression their full range of emotions. That’s really the point isn’t it. It isn’t that men aren’t experiencing these emotions. They may be forcing… Read more »
I’m sure Sile means well, but ultimately if you are not a man then you cannot truly understand:
1. The expectations placed on us
2. How hard it is to become emotionally available
3. The fear of being judged by women for not acting like a “Real Man”
Men’s experiences of opening up often clash with what women say they want – and this comes from an emotionally available man who has been fortunate enough to be with women who are understanding and accepting of my history of mental illness.
A vast majority of men are not so lucky.
Frank thanks for taking part in the conversation & I agree, being a woman limits my personal experience of the expectations placed on men and the fear you describe of being judged by woman as a man. It doesn’t limit my experience of assisting men who seeked out help to overcome the challenges you described or my experience with emotional unavailability. This article doesn’t aim to diminish the journey of a man, infact quiet the opposite it is a response & acknowledgment of the journey men take towards their own emotional availability & a sharing of some of the things… Read more »
“I’m sure Sile means well, but ultimately if you are not a man then you cannot truly understand:” __________ I wonder, Frank. I understand that I use the word “know”, but I’m thinking its more that some women can feel men. They can actually slip into our shoes. I can’t speak for Sile, but I tend to think she can to an extent. I know there are other women I’ve read here that can. My wife can, and I think that your SO can. I think its up to us though, that if they can’t, to teach them with that… Read more »
Hi Sile I am not sure I understand what emotions unavailable means, even though I know lots of women tell this is the reason why they choose to leave a man. He is emotionally unavailable,closed off …. But what does it mean exactly? Does it mean that you fear or feel uncomfortable being close to others ? Or does it mean that you do not express a full range of different emotions ,feelings ? Or does it mean that you have closed off part of your self , and maybe actively choose not to love,not to get deeply in love,… Read more »
Silke, they are really strong questions you pose and I believe those types of questions require research & personal enquiry . There are lots of interpretations & understandings about emotional unavailability. My understanding is described at the very start of the article. Technically anyone can talk about emotional unavailability as they please about what they please. For me this article is about starting a conversation to support men who are looking for a place to start, just the start, not a conclusion.
@ Silke Emotionally unavailable usually means the traditionally stoic man. You don’t cry. You’re not allowed to have fear or doubt. You look at things rationally not compassionately. You can never be weak or vulnerable. You can never be dependent. I told a female friend about a match I had. I got kicked in the side of the neck and couldn’t move half my body for about 15 seconds. I saw him come in with an axe kick. I immediately tried an X block, but could only move one arm so I got kicked on the bridge of the nose.… Read more »
Men also need support groups to help become more emotionally available. In addition, you need to ensure that society helps men be fully develop their emotions when they are young.
I also think this would be really helpful G!