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As a dad, you probably think you know your children pretty well. You’ve raised them from birth, interact with them on a daily basis, and have conversations about what’s happening in their lives. But don’t confuse basic knowledge and interactions with an intimate understanding of what’s happening at a heart level. If you aren’t intentionally pursuing the heart of your child, chances are you’re only scratching the surface.
4 Ways to Know Your Child’s Heart
In order to think strategically about parenting, it’s often helpful to relate it to a real-world situation that you can wrap your mind around. For the purposes of this illustration, let’s look at a production facility or factory.
“When something goes wrong at your facility, it can be tempting to direct your efforts at quickly fixing the problem,” explains PinnacleART. “But often, acting too quickly can fix the symptoms of failure without addressing the root cause, leaving the probability of future failures high.”
In an effort to avoid fixing the problem without addressing the real issue, there needs to be some sort of root cause analysis. In other words, the focus needs to be on both the present and the future.
The same is true with parenting. You can’t just address what’s happening on the surface. In order to be effective, you have to conduct a root cause analysis and get to the heart of what’s happening in your child’s life. Only then can you set them up for future success.
Understanding this and actually doing something about it are two different things. Here are some tips and suggestions that should help you develop a more intimate understanding of your child’s heart.
1. Invest time.
There is no substitute for time. Without spending time with your children, it’s impossible to develop the sort of relationship that’s necessary in order to know a child on a heart level.
“In my own home, I know well the challenges of keeping our family connected,” says Barrett Johnson, founder of INFO for Families. “We have to work very hard to make sure that we are sharing meaningful time together. In those times when we are not, we can sense an obvious disconnect within our home.”
Even if you can’t spend large blocks of time together during certain seasons of life, make sure you’re at least carving out small, meaningful moments. Whether it’s a quick dinner together or a chat before bedtime, one-on-one time is necessary.
2. Ask probing questions.
If you’re always telling your child what to do, but never listening, you don’t really know what your child thinks. They’re either being wholly obedient, in which case you don’t know how they really feel, or rebellious, which pushes you apart.
Instead of always telling your child exactly how to act, ask probing questions that force them to articulate how they feel. If nothing else, this helps you see where they’re coming from.
3. Who do other people say they are?
Whether you realize it or not, you have a very limited view of who your child is. Yes, you’ve seen them at their best and worst, but you don’t have any independent context to base your opinions on. If you want to see your child as they are, you also need to gather opinions from outside resources.
How does your child treat their babysitter, teacher, coach, friends, and friends’ parents? This will tell you more about where they are on a heart level.
4. Take an interest in their world.
Most parents spend way too much time trying to bring kids up to their level and not nearly enough time attempting to understand what their child is going through.
If you want to contextualize why your children feel the way they do about certain things, try to take an interest in their world. Ultimately, this will build up credibility and allow you to speak with more authority.
Parenting Isn’t for the Faint of Heart
Parenting is the toughest thing you’ll ever do. There are ups and downs, challenges and victories, struggles and accomplishments. But in order to enjoy the fruits of the latter, you must be willing to labor through the former. By getting to know your child’s heart, you can become a better parent who is in-tune with what’s happening in the moment.
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