Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one. (Marcus Aurelius)
Sadly, although old boy Marcus A. is the captain of wannabe stoics all across the globe, his words are rarely put into practice. for obvious reasons: it’s much easier to talk than to act.
To prove that point, men are slowly but surely arguing themselves out of being good men, at least as far as women are concerned.
More and more women are opting out of dating, love, or even having sex with men. Just take a look at dating apps: almost 80% of users are men, 20% are women.
The numbers won’t stay that way, I’m sure. Soon men will give up on women as well and possibly start dating the only option they have left: themselves.
Kidding aside, more and more women are reaching the same conclusion: dating men is just not worth it, no matter how much they want it.
As a life and relationship coach and friend to many women, I listened to women complain about the same unpleasant relationship issues with men over and over again and I experienced them myself.
- The man cheated.
- The man was expecting her to do all the house and child work plus hold a job.
- The man was emotionally unavailable.
This is nothing new, it’s been happening for centuries and for a long time, it was regarded as normal.
Men were believed to be natural hunters who can’t hold it in their pants and although it was bothering women, they couldn’t argue with nature.
Also, because men were the main (and usually only) provider in the household, women had to do the cooking, cleaning, and parenting. No career required or even allowed.
Plus, men were also believed to be incapable of emotion, big boys who never cried, so what’s the point in asking for emotional availability or soft skills?
As women had no other option to live, earn, and thrive than with the help of a man, they accepted things as they were.
Until now. Now women can make their own money, buy their own houses, have their own careers, children, and whatever their heart desires without being dependent on a man.
And they’re starting to ask men to step up to the plate.
Do they still want a man? Absolutely!
Are they still willing to put up with cheating, emotional unavailability, and bullying to be with one?
Not anymore.
At this point, they’re wondering what it’s all for and deciding they’re no longer willing to pay the price.
After a few failed relationships and a horrible marriage, my friend Sophie eventually gave up on men and decided to focus on her career and traveling.
Sophie is a gorgeous brunette with sun-kissed skin and huge blue eyes, the kind that kill you and bring you back to life. She has no shortage of men who would love to be close to her, but she’s just had enough.
Does she suddenly hate men? Not at all.
Actually, she loves men and that’s why she decided to have them in her life, but only as friends. And only the ones who are able to appreciate the value she brings to their lives and aren’t hanging around hoping to get some.
Sophie and I bonded over our choice to step away from romantic relationships with men, but need to keep male energy in our lives through friendships.
We were both coming from painful relationships and eventually decided it was just not worth it.
To that, I added my work as a trainer for cam girls.
I saw men treat them either like scum or queens, but never like human beings.
Usually, they were treated as a way to unload all men’s frustrations, violence, and unhappiness. From behind their computer screens men would call them names, hurl obscenities at them, tell any lie imaginable to avoid paying for their services, and basically treat them like trash.
It was a sad and frustrating show. On one of my first days there one of the girls told me that if you don’t have a boyfriend coming into that world, you’ll never want one again.
And while that’s not necessarily true, I can see where she was coming from.
It’s the kind of world that would make anyone sick to their stomachs because of how low people can go.
The comments on my recent feminist articles didn’t help much either. Feminist meaning for women, not against men, if anyone needed a reminder.
Men’s lack of compassion for women in general or even women in their lives was staggering. I had to block readers and delete comments that were nothing more but an open invitation to violence.
People who wouldn’t read the article in order to understand what it was about, but in order to spew their hate at the entire female kind, calling them entitled and manipulative.
I have articles where I call out men and others where I call out women.
I call people on their bs, that’s what my writing is about. I believe none of us are exempt from that.
If you take a look at the comments to these articles, you’ll see the ones who wouldn’t accept any blame for their behavior are men.
At first, I thought it was because as a woman I wasn’t allowed to call out men on their bs (unless I’m their mother, of course).
But then I read some similar articles written by men and the comments from male readers are the same — how dare anyone say anything critical about them?
Men can’t tolerate any sort of put down and they will come for those who try.
However, as I paid closer attention to the situation, I did notice this level of hatred and frustration is not only directed at women. I started to believe it has very little to do with women per se.
It’s also directed at animals, gays, or whoever shows any sign of what the male society considers weakness, be it physical or emotional.
I suppose men understand weakness only as some sort of pest that’s supposed to be destroyed for fear it might attack them as well.
The same attitude extends to compassion and empathy. Men don’t want to be compassionate or empathic, but they do enjoy it when they’re the beneficiaries.
That’s the funny thing about empathy. If it doesn’t come naturally to you, you despise it. But oh how you crave it when others start to take it away from you and treat you the way they’ve been treated.
That’s the point to be made for all the incels out there who are craving to be seen and understood by women.
When was the last time you made a real attempt to understand women?
When was the last time you actually listened to what they had to say instead of scoffing at the very idea that women want a good man and not some jerk to bully them around?
Why not try to give them what they truly want instead of presuming they lie and pretend all the time?
That’s why you don’t get any compassion — because you never offered it.
You can ask women to understand and be compassionate towards men all you want, but the train has very publicly left the station and I don’t think it’s coming back any time soon.
What’s more, when a woman understands men, and I mean truly understands them (not tells them they’re right in all their complaints), she will be instantly judged as a man-hater.
Because whatever is not unconditional love and acceptance is deemed as hatred.
More and more women are slowly but surely drifting away from men.
As a result, men are getting angry and frustrated. They’re starting campaigns that increase violence against women, try to send them back to the kitchen, or try to take away ownership over their own bodies.
Sometimes frustrated men kill women and sometimes they kill themselves.
But most would rather die sad and alone, blame anyone else but themselves or go to war with anyone who dares to challenge them rather than change and grow.
That’s how they convinced women to keep away from them. Women would rather be safe than sorry. Can you blame them?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Karina Carvalho on Unsplash
