I haven’t had the best relationship with love- quite in fact, I’d argue that for the majority of my life I’ve romanticized, idealized, and sexualized love. Pretty much all of my relationships have been unhealthy.
During this past winter I began to deeply question my instincts and emotions surrounding both relationships and intimacy. I had ended yet another relationship that had devolved into repetitive intimacy. The last time I saw him, I hurriedly kissed his cheek, “You’re really nice.” I ran to my house and found myself alone.
Unsure of what to do next, I considered an impromptu haircut or even a tattoo as some momentary dissonance from my despair. I was cornered. Having no real guidance, I turned to books. One in particular stood apart from the rest, Good Sex: Getting Off without Checking Out by Jessica Graham.
These pages guide readers through mindfulness practices, deeper spiritual knowledge, and of course, better comprehension of sexual activity. Intimidating at first, Good Sex allowed me to quickly grasp that I had assumed multiple unhealthy fetishized relationships in my life in order to simulate a feeling of power or control.
Graham reminisces on her own experiences with sex, which I found to be extremely relatable:
“What remained the same was my inability to really be conscious for sexual experiences. Even if I wasn’t drunk or high, I was checked out in some way. I didn’t look into my lover’s eyes. I was lost in my own mind, needing a fantasy to climax.”
I thought it was normal to disassociate during sex. Even when my eyes weren’t clenched shut or buried in pillows, my mind was far, far away. Always.
The meditative practices in Graham’s book are beneficial to being in touch with your body and mind. This also applies to thinking about the past as well. In my own case, I began to look back on my life and think about how I had felt both emotionally and physically, asking myself why.
Graham’s practice of basic body awareness became my go-to, which assists individuals with finding emotions in the body. She introduces this concentration with a powerful reflection:
“Meditation introduced me to my body. Like many people, I lived from the neck up, always caught in my thoughts.”
During this meditation, she asks readers to become aware of their bodies. When individuals notice a sensation in their body, give it attention, including the qualities. Try not to be in your thoughts, be in your body. Staying in the body is more challenging than you’d think.
I left these meditative sessions feeling reborn.
It became clear that sexually, I was using my own body as a tool and there was a negative emotional reaction to my sexual disassociation- much like a pot boiling over.
Subconsciously I was also running from the innate fear of being alone. Sex helped me to feel with someone for just a little while. The truth? At the end of the day- er, night, I was still alone. There was nothing I could do to change that.
After reading Good Sex, I was inspired to swear an oath to celibacy.
This pushed me to become paralyzingly aware of the world and my place in it. Sex made me feel like a big bad wolf, but it turned out I was just a sheep all along. I began to question my own fundamentals, and what I really wanted out of life.
I may still be developing and changing every day, but am no longer constrained by the vices of dissociative sex. I am a person who has found strength in being an individual. More importantly, I am aware of how and what I feel. My journey with sex isn’t by any means over.
I’m extremely thankful to Jessica Graham’s book, Good Sex, which assisted me on working through my own inner-dialogue with sex and trauma.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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