Does “emotional vampire” come to mind when you think of your wife’s need for attention? If so, Dr. Steve suggests you look in the mirror and see if there is a reflection.
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How much attention should you give your wife? Ah . . . lots! That has been my experience in life and that of my friends. But, how much is too much and how much is too little? Well, that’s the sixty-four thousand dollar question, isn’t it?
It seems that many women complain that they don’t get enough attention and the men complain about the insatiable needs of their partners for attention. As one guy said to me just the other day, “I could be doing it all day and it wouldn’t be enough.”
No doubt it is a balance, but it is not just about time. It is also about the quality of your time spent together.
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One of the issues that keeps rearing its ugly head in my practice, and is confirmed by research, is that men and women rate how well their relationship is progressing differently.
When couples in therapy were given a survey about the health of the relationship, (remember now, they are in therapy because at least one of them thinks there is a problem) men rated the relationship as healthier than the women. On a scale of ten (ten = most happy) the men averaged 7 and the women 4. This is a huge difference. Essentially, the men thought the relationship was fine and the women were unhappy with the marriage.
Many of the men I talk to feel that focusing on work, coming home every evening, and being faithful is enough.
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Does this mean that men are blind to the problems in the relationship? I don’t think so. I believe that men are rating the relationship with a different set of criteria, and how much time is spent in intimate conversation discussing the health of the relationship is not on many men’s radar.
Many of the men I talk to feel that focusing on work, coming home every evening, and being faithful is enough. If the kids are OK and the household seems in relative order – all is well. These men are shocked when after twenty years or more of marriage they are presented with divorce papers. In their minds, they upheld their end of the marriage bargain and are truly stunned by this turn of events.
The women in these situations tell me they have become invisible to their husbands, there is no communication, and they do not know who their partner is anymore. “Attention? That ended years ago!”
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Even in new relationships, young men are trying to figure out how much time to spend with their girlfriends. Once again, these men are caught up with their career and feel that work is priority number one. Whether twenty five or fifty five, men feel the pressure to perform in their work.
Traditionally, men saw marriage as a vehicle to support their career/life. The home was a refuge from work and women looked after the domestic sphere. There was clarity of roles and expectations.
Not anymore. More often than not, both partners work yet the woman still spends the most time on domestic chores. This is slowly changing.
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Even so, the men I deal with have a hard time relating to women’s need for attention. Before going further let’s examine or define what “attention” means from a woman’s perspective (don’t shoot the messenger, I am only relaying what women have told me). This ranges from the simple to the complex:
- Acknowledging her when coming home from work
- Taking time to share the day
- Asking for her opinion (on anything that involves both people)
- Asking how she feels when something is bothering her
- Offering to help her (cook, clean, deal with the kids)
- Telling her how you feel about her and how much you appreciate her
- Giving her compliments (general)
- Giving her compliments (specific) about her looks, clothes, shoes, etc.
- Having time for just the two of you
- Taking time to be romantic
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Each woman is unique in her need for quantity and type of attention. You can’t go wrong with quality of attention. Some women are busy independent professionals in their own right, yet they too are human and need support from time to time. Don’t assume just because she is successful in the world that she doesn’t need you. She wouldn’t have married you or be going out with you if she didn’t have needs that you can fulfill.
Men, don’t have needs. Just kidding, sort of. Often, we have been taught to deny our needs or dismiss them as unimportant.
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Women appreciate it all the more if you, a busy guy, make time to give her personal attention (and yes, this goes both ways). I don’t know any women that isn’t busy, but if there are, I’m sure they would appreciate your attention too, maybe more so as they don’t have other factors vying for their time and consideration.
Men, don’t have needs. Just kidding, sort of. Often, we have been taught to deny our needs or dismiss them as unimportant. Wow, sounds like what I learned about women in my studies on Feminism.
Is this something we share in common? Men whose personal needs are not being met often self-medicate with booze or illicit drugs. Women with prescription meds and alcohol. Sounds pretty much the same to me. Men feel the press, women feel the pull.
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As a man, maybe you feel fine with the attention you receive from your partner. How does she feel? If you don’t know, asking would be a start to determine how much attention she would like.
But how much attention should you give her. The answer, as much as possible. What does that mean? It means talking to your partner and finding out how much time and in what areas she needs your attention. We didn’t mention it specifically, but attention giving is a process involving time, your time (and thought).
It means honestly examining 1) your priorities and 2) your commitments, and seeing where change can be made to support the relationship.
This is not just about making your partner happy. This is an opportunity to improve the relationship, re-evaluate how you have been doing life, and maybe, becoming happier.
Maybe, just maybe, your wife’s needs are the same as yours. By taking care of her, you are taking care of yourself.
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Photo: Canstockphoto
Hi All, Just my opinion but.. Acknowledging her when coming home from work – i work from home, but my wife decides to visit her family 30 miles away 3 times a week. When shes here, i pop down to see how she is. What do i get back? No eye contact and her phone glued to her nose and umpteen phone calls from her 3 adult needy daughters. Taking time to share the day – please see above. She isn’t interested in my career/job. Her Mum knows more than she does. Asking for her opinion (on anything that involves… Read more »
So it’s confirmed – men and women are totally incompatible and should never attempt to live together. Until women learn to meet their own needs, they’ll be miserable. And I’m done with miserable women. Life is so much better without them.
I totally agree – when I ask myself after 1.5 year of marriage I feel that I was very happy without my wife – life was so beautiful to live with being alone – I can do whatever I want – but after marriage – you cannot do anything you wanted to do – just do all stuff whatever your wife wants … and that’s where question raise how much important you should give to your wife in relationship. Further whatever time and priority you do for her its always not sufficient …
Well said, Amen ! Feeling that way tonight and came across this reading. When my husband’s adult children come to visit I find myself over compensating to please everyone, and make everyone feel at home and comfortable. Cleaning , cooking , giving pep talks and encouragement ……. They are all males. My husband tends to focus all energy on them and I feel like he loses sight of me I feel like I am crying out for attention Inside but I dThen after they leave he totally ignores me by sitting by himself in front of the television. Then he… Read more »
I come home from work and kiss and hug my wife. We talk about our day and then spend a little time in bed. She goes to bed shortly after and I need to play on my computer, make myself dinner and unwind before I can sleep. Well that’s not good enough. But it’s how I feel. It seems like her feelings are paramount but mine are an inconvenience at best and plain wrong at worst. I’m supposed to be insensitive to my own tiredness and emotions but be completely in tune with hers. I don’t mind trying…but I can’t… Read more »
Google “cluster b” and “dark triad”
you will not find answer on this I bet … women’s are so selfish when it comes to relationship matter …most of the women expect that we understand their need without her telling .. and if you do not guess or do things not according to what she thinks then you will be in worst situation … on other most of the women do not wanted to understand what their man are facing issue on their day to day things, but that’s not important and doesn’t matter to women because its none of her problem – even though man in… Read more »
love my wife and son, my kid doesnt want to sleep til 10 o clock, wife wants more romance but she wants to go to sleep at 10 o clock, she thinks im not romantic now. sorry im drunk cause this is news to me today
My name is John. I do the cooking and driving and house work but my wife is either doing cross stitching or reading unless she is sleeping she gives about half hour of attention every day. But I love and care for my wife.
All you have, everything you can muster, and then some.
(Don’t expect anything in return, though. We all know that expectations are the source of all failure.)
Whenever I read articles like this, I quickly realize how much I have learned in my 60 years on this planet. Everyone needs attention, acceptance, appreciation and affection in varying degrees. To deny these needs is unhealthy at best. It only took me decades to learn that by loving myself while taking care of others, I also take care of my own needs. When I finally accepted my own need for love, I found it in abundance! I can only wish the same to everyone else who wonders what is feels like to be truly loved and appreciated everyday of… Read more »
Hi Laura Lee: Thanks for the inspiring words from your life experience.
Thank you, Laura! Beautifully inspiring and uplifting comment. Other comments had me scared of marriage since they’ve all made it seem so grim and depressing. Thank you for giving me even a sliver of hope with sharing your experience 🙂
This is a huge difference. Essentially, the men thought the relationship was fine and the women were unhappy with the marriage. “The women in these situations tell me they have become invisible to their husbands, there is no communication, and they do not know who their partner is anymore. “Attention? That ended years ago!”” Most of my friends have to chase women, they need to do all the legwork. They had to give her attention, ask her out, show major interest, choose where to go, play the active role and be damn good at it in order to be seen… Read more »
I did tell him upfront, direct, and in a calm voice what I needed and craved. He dumped me. Oh, and I was one to dole out compliments and do all the things on that list for him.
Smart guy. He saw an attention whore and ran the other way. Get used to it.
Someone sounds very bitter! Communication sounds like an issue for you! Feel sorry for you, “John”. Calling women you don’t even know “whores” is a good way to end up miserable and alone… the way you like it. Perhaps you named yourself “John” for a reason?
How was she an attention whore for asking politely what she needed? I do not understand.
Generally good article on an important topic. One thing I’d like to add, which would help any relationship, is to read “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. Seriously. The specific kind of attention you offer matters. Everyone has a primary way they need to be shown love, so that they actually feel loved. Buying her a present is nice, but doesn’t count as “hitting the mark” if she needs to hear sincere compliments and appreciation. The 5 languages presents ways we all need (not want, but need) to be shown love. They are: Gifts, gifts of service, words, physical… Read more »
Speaking as an honest man, first things first, it is all about sex. If she is a sexual being, and plays up that part, and enjoys it – I’ll be up for all the rest of it. If I have to earn the sex. Then forget you. I am not interested in the rest of it. Now, the way I see the womens attitude is that, unless you give me all these things that make me feel connected, then forget the sex. I’m not interested until you fulfill all of these other needs. Otherwise, forget you. So somewhere in the… Read more »
If a woman makes you work to earn the right to have sex with her, dump her, and never go back. If she isn’t absolutely happy and excited to have sex with you, a mutually pleasurable event, and wants to jump your bones as you desire that of her too…dump her, leave, find someone who is actually attracted to you. Too many men let this slip by and think women are gatekeepers of sex, they put the “pussy on the pedestal” and treat women like some holy grail instead of seeing them as equals. They put up with the major… Read more »
Good question, Her. Here’s my two-cents. Every man I work with sees what you’re saying as a clear case of apples and oranges. Not that I think they SHOULD be different…it’s just that they FEEL different. Therefore, they are seen differently and treated differently. Our committed, monogamous, romantic and sexual relationship with a woman is nothing at all like your other examples. Nothing. The logic of “maintenance” still applies, yes, but not the analogy. In fact, most men I know are on top of all those other things. Those other things are mindless, mechanical and obligatory. Even the PTA stuff,… Read more »
Hi Steve: Yes it is scary for many men. took me 15 years to get over the fear factor. And yes, generally speaking, women are better at the emotional/communication stuff. However, I think we have to be careful not to use those traditional differences/strengths/weaknesses as an excuse to delay engagement. When I see men get committed to their relationship it is amazing how quickly they can drop old behavioral patterns. We are smart and capable. When focused we can move mountains.
” women are better at the emotional/communication stuff” Women rely a lot more on body language, and subtle hints. Women are worse at communication in general than men. Men are far more direct and don’t beat around the bush. I don’t know why people keep pushing this myth of women being better communicators. Women are probably better at reading body language and subtleties but those can be misread and rely a lot on assumptions. Direct speech is the most effective way to communicate, saying exactly what is wrong which leaves less room for misunderstanding. A good communicator does not rely… Read more »
I think that’s what is the most irritating—for lack of a better word-about the state of “romantic” relationships/marriage. That men don’t seem to see the need for checking up on the dynamic between them and partner/spouse unless it’s about physical intimacy, or maybe $$. Every good work needs inspection from time to time, a tune-up, kick the tires, find out why the check-engine light won’t go off, like you do for your car; regular maintenance, like what is necessary for a well-maintained home/property; performance reviews at work—because you want to be recognized and appreciated for consideration for that bonus/raise; check… Read more »
Yes. Cars need maintenance and so do relationships. I see my marriage partner as a business partner – we are in contact on a regular basis and know what the other is thinking, feeling, and doing. We are in charge of different aspects of the business/relationship but are aware of what is happening for the other person. No surprises, joint decisions on important matters and mutual support on personal and practical issues. This works!
Awesome comment!
Has it ever occured to you that men might stop talking, or “checking in”, because they feel they aren’t being listened to?
Men and women often have different styles of communication. Trying to tune in to the style of the partner is an effort that should be equally required on both parts.
Hi FlyingKal. Good to have your comments again. No doubt there are men out there who fee they are not being listened to. What I find interesting is that they never show up in my practice other than near the end of the relationship when neither party is listening to one another. How I would love to see a man come to me with his partner and say, “You know, I’m really frustrated, she just doesn’t listen to me.” When it happens, I’ll let you know. 🙂
Hi Steven, and thank you for the welcome.
You know, usually women seem to have dibs on the very definition of “partnership communication”.
So, why don’t guys who don’t feel listened to, go into therapy with their girlfriends/wives??
I think there’s a catch 22 in there somewhere, that we need to ponder for a while… *wink*
I was that guy.
Best regards /K
Men in general are raised to be independent, DIY, fix your own problems type people…you’re not going to get many men actually open up truthfully and fully to you for a long damn time. Often he will hold his feelings in, he will hide a lot of what he truly feels much of the time. Men that do open up often get shamed for it, ignored, told to man up, not listened to, they’re often seen as less attractive by their partner and she ends up desiring him less sexually. Too much importance has been placed on confidence as a… Read more »
That’s because men deal with their problems instead of talking about them. Dump the woman – problem solved. Go to a Therapist – have everything blamed on you.