We are never less rational or less safe from our own bad decisions than when we first fall in love. That rush of dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin that floods our brains during the initial period of romantic attraction is so overpowering that we find ourselves doing — or at least contemplating — things we would never consider when we’re thinking clearly.
This may include sending your crush a Notebook-style love letter/email/overly long series of texts; showing up somewhere they’re not expecting you as a “surprise”; or demanding some formal declaration of their emotions or intentions rather than letting it happen organically. And take it from someone who just gave you examples of things she herself has done in the name of love: romantic grand gestures often do NOT land the way you hoped they would.
Of course, being true to your heart and taking a chance can be wonderful when the object of your affection reciprocates your intensity of feelings. But when your actions fall flat or cause the other person to pull back, they can leave you feeling regretful and humiliated.
It’s at moments like these — as you’re considering doing something your inner voice is warning you against — when urge surfing can help save your self-respect.
Urge surfing is a distress-tolerance technique widely used in therapy to help individuals manage unwanted behaviors such as gambling, drug and alcohol use, and acts of self-harm. It involves learning to “ride out” an urge, like a surfer riding a wave, until it passes, rather than giving into it. Similar to the motion of a wave, an urge begins with some sort of trigger, then rises and gains intensity, reaches a peak, and eventually begins to recede until it fades away.
In order to successfully surf an urge, you must acknowledge it when it starts to build and notice the thoughts and feelings you’re having without trying to suppress them. As you do this, you can remind yourself that an urge is not a command you have to obey; you can have it and choose not to act on it. It may also be helpful to reassure yourself that urges are both normal responses to addictions and habits, and also an attempt to relieve anxiety. Even more importantly, remember that urges may be extremely uncomfortable as you’re first learning to resist them, but they won’t last.
How does urge surfing apply to matters of the heart? Imagine you’ve been communicating frequently with the object of your affection, and perhaps even hanging out, for weeks — enough time for you to fall in serious “like” with them. Suddenly…silence. You send a light-hearted text checking in. Still nothing. Your mind starts to come up with a million questions, thoughts, and ideas ranging from, “They’re just busy right now, I’m sure it has nothing to do with me,” to, “How could they ghost me like this? Why don’t I leave a very rambling and emotional voicemail expressing my hurt, anger, and confusion?”
The first thought is a rational response to the situation. Unfortunately, that’s not the thought most of us settle on when we’re really into someone. We go straight to thoughts like the second one, and thanks to smartphones, there are ever-increasing ways we can carry out our ill-advised impulses. And once we do, the damage to our dignity is done, even if the relationship manages to move forward.
The next time you find yourself considering the kind of romantically motivated action you would warn your friends not to take, experiment with riding out the urge and then reevaluating your plan. Chances are, you will be very relieved you did not move forward, and you will start to see the situation and a better path forward with greater clarity.
Successful urge surfing doesn’t mean you won’t experience the urge again, or that you’ll be able to avoid the negative feelings that are bound to come when a relationship ends or hits a bump in the road. But if you can behave in a way that preserves your sense of self-worth in the process, you’ll always come out ahead.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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