The dating world has changed.
I continue to be painfully aware of this after having gone on more dates than I dare count!
Dating over thirty-five years is also tougher if you are looking for a relationship that can possibly lead to a long term relationship of marriage.
Many single persons in this age bracket may simply want a hook up, others may be looking for financial provision from you. Then there are the guys who were nice and got a not so nice girl, (you know what I am talking about) and the breakup led to them becoming bitter and angry with the world and any other partner they may meet!
The categories I have stated are by no means reflective of all single persons in this age group. I do make reference to just some of the very common dating scenarios that occur.
Oh how I miss the late 90’s. As a single gal traversing this world. Might I say it is hard — no, damn hard.
Sometimes I’m just content with a girls’ night out, rather than another date that you basically struggle through. Hoping for the moment you reach home and commit to not dating for a while because you both appeared to be longing for the time to pass oh so quickly!
Once in a while though, you go on a date and the evening goes well and you look forward to continued conversation. So you talk on the phone, you message and you go out again. You continue to talk for a while and invest time getting to know this person. You feel the excitement as somehow you unconsciously begin to believe “finally I have met someone where we can develop a relationship”.
Then you imagine yourself going on vacations with them because they like similar type things and out of the blue one day, a discussion ensues and you realize that you both differ on a fundamental value.
If it is casual dating, you may go along with it. However, if you are looking for someone long term that fundamental difference can’t be ignored. You have no choice but to part ways and go, though promising to maintain a friendship — it is harder than you think and so communication reduces to an occasional message and then eventually total silence from both persons.
Sounds familiar? I went through such and though the loss of an almost relationship sounds somewhat insane. I mourned the loss of the promising potential.
If you ask anyone interested in long term dating, they will tell you — if they choose to answer honestly, that an almost relationship can feel as a breakup from a relationship. There may be several reasons for this. There are some common trends that seem to exist.
1. The belief that you have finally found someone with similar values form a source of completeness to you and you begin unconsciously seeing yourself with this person. The person I dated we both liked travelling and it was easy to picture myself going on trips with him.
2. The ability to be yourself with this person and be accepted as you are — Everyone wants a relationship where you can just be yourself and have someone who understands your silence, your quirks and still loves you. It is the foundation of a fulfilling relationship. When you find one like this, it is easy to gravitate to forming a long term relationship. You share, you are open; you enjoy each other’s company.
3. You share your world with them- As you begin the process of knowing someone over a period of time, funny enough you get to know their daily and weekly schedule. You come home and talk about how the meeting went. You may even know the names of the work colleagues who give hell!! You encourage and you comfort.
4. You enjoy the emotional support — It may be a simple thing as a good morning and have a great day message. You become accustomed to it and look forward to it. It matters that someone wants you to have a great day…everyday!!
5. Finally, but very important, they are the kind of person you can see yourself building a long term relationship — and future with. The discussion about long term plans, such as where you enjoy living, places you enjoy travelling to, form part of a casual discussion on occasion but you know that you are both thinking about your future with this potential partner.
. . .
These reasons are by no means all, but they reflect what many other single persons have shared about the pain of losing the almost relationship. When it is all said and done, you comfort yourself by knowing if it was to be it would have worked out. Because that fundamental difference that came up, better it did now than later on, when you are much more emotionally invested. After all, it matters to you both so much, that you couldn’t further develop the relationship!
It shows indeed how important it is to talk and spend time getting to know someone. Better a short term pain and disappointment, rather than investing years and either having to walk away or give up fundamental values for the continuation of the relationship!!!
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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