No one likes to be the “wrong” person in an argument. When we get into it with a significant other, it’s easy to hit the “wall” button and start retaliating.
Recently, I found myself — though fuming — evaluating my own contributions to our relationship.
Was I wrong?
Am I such a horrible wife?
Am I failing at our relationship?
The answer? Yes and no. To all.
The reality, I accepted, was I was wrong — but also right. I was such a horrible wife — yet I wasn’t. I was failing our relationship — but not completely.
What it means to be in “traditional roles.”
My “job” is to watch our daughter and keep up with the house. That is what I agreed to. With some grace, I’m able to do just that. Do the grocery shopping, the cleaning, the laundry, and any other daily upkeep of the house.
Struggling with anxiety and depression tends to make daily tasks a little more difficult to take on. Typically, I go through ups and downs, falling into a depression and struggle to get out while dealing with the anxiety of being in such a deep pit. My anxiety consumes me for failing so miserably to keep up with the house when I emerge from a depressive episode.
Where does this leave me? Finding a balance. Searching for ways to work through these peaks and valleys while being a parent.
It’s not easy, and sometimes I need to be told when I’m making an excuse.
The argument
Though I would prefer to call it more of a “heated discussion,” it was more of an argument — from an outside perspective.
My husband and I don’t communicate well. We’re aware of this flaw. We’re also okay with it. So, here we are, talking about our day-to-day when our daughter becomes the topic of discussion.
I had a moment of anxiety where I was overwhelmed with the buzzing in my head, tasks, etc., we were trying to leave the house, and I raised my voice for our daughter to put her shoes on.
Without getting too deep into the details, the base of our argument was how I handle “stress” and that I don’t keep up with the house as much. Now that our daughter is in school from 8–2, I should have more time for myself and the housework.
Before you get up in arms, this is our dynamic. I quit my job so my husband can put more effort into work and I can take care of the house and our family.
After we had a few angry tifts back and forth — me defending my actions and him retaliating with “that’s not an excuse!” — I let my wall down and listened.
This is when I learned and opened my eyes to the reality of the situation.
Be vulnerable
The reason why the wall goes up is to avoid being hurt—a defensive reaction to save you from feeling like you’ve been emotionally destroyed. You never want to feel like what you’re doing is wrong, but you have to be open to criticism.
Especially in a relationship.
Well, if you don’t get along, why be together?
No, we don’t always get along. I don’t think I’ve ever met a healthy couple that does.
By being vulnerable, I was able to bring my wall down. I was able to see from his perspective what I was doing. I was making excuses and being lazy.
The Reality
When I finally let my wall down and saw everything for what it was, I was shocked and ashamed. I was hiding behind a wall of excuses.
Transitioning from going to a job in an office (or wherever your job is) to staying at home and raising a human child while being relied on to take care of the house and do all the shopping (all while watching said human) was overwhelming to me.
I felt like a child taking care of a child and had no idea what I was doing. I felt as though I was no longer an adult in society because I no longer made money. Most days, I would navigate aimlessly, unsure about my decisions.
The reality was, I needed to take control of my life. Make decisions for our family — dinner plans, activities, and daily chores to be done — and stand by them firmly. Making lists has helped me greatly in the aspect of life.
Then, I looked deeper. I wanted to take the next step from vulnerability.
Listen
Listen to what your partner is saying. Don’t be working on your next defensive move. Digging into your past, finding “reasons” why you did something.
When it comes down to it, the other party is upset for their reasons. At this moment, you don’t need to be right; they need to be heard.
If you hear what your partner has to say, you may hear something important about yourself within their words. In our minds, we’ve constructed a sort of image of ourselves. Hearing how a loved one sees you will help you see more of your true image.
Please don’t assume they are trying to make you out to be a bad person. Unless this person is a narcissist, you must give the other person the benefit of the doubt they are telling the truth.
The Reality
Once my wall was down, I could listen. He was obviously upset. The balance of our relationship and our household was off. He felt he was taking on more work in the house. My job is to make things less stressful for him because he brings in the money.
This is not to imply that his responsibilities are less because he brings in money. Quite the opposite. The less he has to worry about at home, the more he can focus on his job. He works from home, and his job is in sales. He brings in a relatively decent amount of money — enough to warrant only working one job.
That being said, I understood where he was coming from. I was letting a lot slide. I decided I needed to keep up with chores more often. Again, my lists were my savior. Even if I had to rewrite the same list every day, or every week, I was sure to follow these lists.
I am more aware of the responsibilities I have as a homemaker. I knew I needed to make personal changes.
Make a change
After you’ve listened, you’ll see where change is needed. You don’t have to admit to being wrong. There may be parts where you were still in the arena of justifiable actions, but the goal is not so petty.
The goal is to find a solution. To find a middle ground.
I took what he said and evaluated it silently. I was slacking. I was losing my cool with our daughter. I wasn’t doing as much as I could. I was lazy.
. . .
The Takeaway
When an argument arises, it’s best to take a breath before you get defensive. An argument is not always a personal attack. At times it’s a cry for attention from your partner. Something is off-center in the relationship and, being a part of the relationship, deserves to be listened to and discussed.
Be Vulnerable: It’s so easy to put the wall up and hunker down behind your own defenses, but you won’t get anywhere with that.
Listen: The most important aspect of communication. If you don’t listen, you won’t learn anything about what your partner is feeling. Nothing will change.
Make a Change: Once you’ve both had your moment to express yourself, take the initiative to change. Be better. Take steps to help grow as a couple and make the relationship stronger.
A relationship is a partnership. If you’re not at least trying to be your best self, chances are your partner won’t be either.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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