How to Attract and Keep the Relationship You Really Want

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Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.

All these signals I learned weren’t the right indicators for a healthy relationship for me. But the truth is that we have exactly the same value system. How did you know?

My friends, today I have something special for you on the Love Life podcast. A dear friend of mine has come along to re-release her book, *Radical Confidence: 11 Lessons on How to Get the Relationship, Career, and Life You Want*. Her name is Lisa Bilu. She is an entrepreneur, producer, bestselling author, public speaker, and podcast host.

Lisa co-founded the billion-dollar brand Quest Nutrition and is the co-founder and president of Impact Theory Studios, a revolutionary digital-first studio that produces wildly entertaining and original content focused on themes of confidence and empowerment. She is joining us today to discuss a new chapter she has added to her book about relationships and finding love.

I have never seen Lisa be as vulnerable and open as she was in this conversation. She takes us back to a time before her marriage to Tom Bilu when she struggled with confidence, accepted toxic and difficult behavior, and found it hard to leave. She did the brave work of healing so that she could finally meet the right person for her.

It’s a powerful conversation, and I am excited for you to listen. We discuss her brand new chapter in *Radical Confidence*. This book serves as a great companion to our conversation, so if you haven’t grabbed a copy yet, do so! The new paperback has just been released, and I highly recommend it.

Lisa is one of the most authentic, bold, and unapologetically individual people I have ever met. If you don’t know Lisa yet, I am thrilled to introduce you to her in this conversation. I present to you, Lisa Bilu.

Conversation with Lisa

Lisa Bilu, my friend, welcome!

What up, dude? It’s so good to have you here on the Love Life podcast! I’m usually trundling over to your house, where it’s hard to coax you out, and I have to come well into the lair to join you on the Women of Impact podcast. But now I’ve kidnapped you! We get to talk all about you for a change.

No, I want to talk about you, Matt Hussey. I have so many questions for you today!

This is exciting for me because you are releasing *Radical Confidence* in paperback on April 30th, and you’ve added a new chapter. Many of my audience members already have the book, and I know they’ll want to pick it up again for this new chapter. Can you share the name of the chapter?

Certainly! It’s titled “Leave the Loser, Choose Yourself.”

Why is It So Hard to Leave a Toxic Person?

So, why do you think we find it so difficult to leave someone who is bad for us?

There are many reasons, but it ultimately comes down to how you feel about yourself when you’re alone. The truth is, if you don’t feel good enough or worthy, and there’s someone next to you giving you even a crumb of validation, that can trick you into thinking you’re not worthless. You end up looking externally for that proof.

Sometimes, toxic people know just enough to manipulate you. If they were truly bad, it would be easy to spot them, but they have a way of holding you there. I understand this well because I used to feel completely insecure and worthless. Here was someone telling me I was beautiful, and in that moment, it felt good.

If I could validate myself, I wouldn’t need someone else to make me feel worthy, but I didn’t feel good about myself. So, I turned to someone who offered me brief moments of happiness. It’s like what Ramani calls “euphoric recall,” where you remember the good moments and hold onto them.

Why Do We Miss the Good Moments?

Why do you think we remember the good moments but fail to connect to the absence of the bad things in our lives? When we leave toxicity, we often find peace, yet we miss those good moments instead.

I think it goes in stages, much like grief. When you leave someone, there’s a phase you go through. For instance, they might do something terrible to you, and in that anger, you decide to leave. That anger fuels you for a day or two, but then it fades into sadness, which leads to feelings of loneliness. That loneliness tells you something about yourself, often reinforcing your insecurities.

Over time, you start to feel as if you’ve lost something important. The toxic elements may fade, but you still hold onto the good moments that made you feel alive.

Recognizing Your Value

Take me back to earlier times. When people see you today, they see someone formidable, powerful, and confident. It’s hard to imagine you as someone timid or down on themselves.

I definitely wasn’t confident. My confidence developed over time. When I was 15, I was bullied and didn’t feel pretty. There was a boy who finally showed interest in me, which became the validation I sought. Without self-esteem or understanding of my values, I didn’t set boundaries.

I shaped myself to keep him interested. His comments would trigger my insecurities, leading me to believe I had to change to keep his attention. Over those three years, I lost my ability to stand up for myself.

Embracing Change

I realized I had to face pivotal moments. Going to college allowed me to step out of my unhealthy environment and assess my relationship. I didn’t want to feel trapped in that relationship for the next 20 years, squashed by someone who was crushing my dreams.

Being around new people and learning new skills helped me establish boundaries and begin the healing process. I started to see improvement in various aspects of my life, validating myself through achievements instead of relying on one person.

But many people don’t know what the right things are. They chase the wrong things, which only makes them unhappy.

What Makes a Great Relationship?

When you met Tom, what made you attracted to him? Did you feel drawn to him immediately?

The funny thing is that if we had met on dating apps, we likely wouldn’t have matched. At 21, I thought I wanted someone with a flashy car, but that’s not what creates a healthy relationship.

Subconsciously, I looked for markers of someone who could provide. Tom didn’t fit that mold. The moment I got into his car, I saw a pile of trash in the backseat. On the surface, he wasn’t what I thought I wanted, but he was genuinely fascinating and curious about my thoughts. That’s what set him apart and made me see him differently.

He was authentically eager to know me. This led to deeper discussions and experiences that allowed us to explore our creativity together.

Overcoming Surface-Level Judgments

How did you stop yourself from being deterred by those surface-level markers that usually would have kept you from giving him a chance?

It was a matter of prioritizing thoughts over feelings. At first, there were thoughts like, “Oh no, not a guy with that type of car.” But when I focused on how he treated me, I could see past those superficial judgments. The feelings of enjoyment and connection outweighed those initial thoughts.

We often forget how many stories we’ve framed around who we should be interested in. Those stories prevent us from being open to other possibilities. When you’re attached to preconceived notions, you miss opportunities for genuine connections.

It’s essential to unravel what’s genuinely important to you and be open to exploring relationships that might surprise you.

The Importance of Acceptance

It’s almost fortunate that when you first saw Tom, you thought he was attractive. This initial allure likely helped you overlook certain aspects in those early days.

There are two paths people often take in relationships. One path involves dismissing someone who doesn’t fit their mental mold. In doing so, they might overlook someone who could be perfect for them. The other path involves attempting to change the partner based on one’s preferences—like altering their dress style or job. This inclination can also be dangerous. You end up entering the relationship with the mindset of changing them instead of evaluating if you can accept them for who they are.

It’s crucial to enter a relationship with the understanding that you shouldn’t want to change your partner. If you don’t like their dress sense, for example, you need to ask yourself: “If I can’t change them, would I still want to be with them?”

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Ultimately, you want to reach a place of acceptance. You should love your partner for who they are rather than who you hope they will become.

Before we continue with the episode, whether you are a new listener or someone who’s been with the Love Life podcast for a while, I want to introduce you to a free training called “Dating with Results.” In this over-an-hour-long session, I’ll guide you through key foundations to help you create the love life you desire.

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So, if you haven’t already, please take advantage of this free training at DatingWithResults.com. It’s just one hour of powerful content designed to help you in your love life today.

All right, let’s get back to Lisa.

Choosing Yourself

The second half of the title of the new chapter in the book is “Choose Yourself.” So, firstly, what does choosing yourself mean, and how does it lead to the kind of boundaries you’ve talked about?

Choosing yourself means staying firm on your values, regardless of others trying to nudge or change them. It’s about knowing your true north and not letting someone else’s compass lead you astray—even if you love them.

I did not choose myself time and again; I kept choosing him instead. That’s why it’s essential to write out your value system. This isn’t just about hobbies, like what music you like. Your value system should reflect what you truly prioritize in life.

For example, if you value love above all else, finding love becomes your primary focus. This central value can lead you to overlook many red flags simply because you think you’ll never be happy until you find it.

The Trade-off of Love

Let’s consider a complicated question: How much do you love your partner? Would you say you love them more than you value your own life?

This is a challenging scenario, akin to a “Sophie’s Choice.” In a moment of danger, you’d likely say you’d put the oxygen mask on yourself first in order to be there for your loved one later. Love does entail sacrifice, but if you don’t take care of yourself, how can you truly be there for someone else?

When Audrey had a girls’ night recently and came back hours later than expected, you provided her with key advice that could help many women. What was that advice?

If you buy the book anywhere and go to radicalconfidence.com, there are numerous bonuses available, including an exclusive coaching class that Tom and I did together. We even bickered a bit in the session, which we found entertaining. You can also access a workbook along with the book.

Open Communication

So, I was discussing a longstanding argument that Tom and I are still navigating, which stemmed from a round table discussion I watched with Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith. They talked about their irreconcilable differences, where Jada wished for Will’s presence instead of grand gestures.

Will believed he was doing everything for his family, but Jada simply wanted him to be present. This realization made me think of my own relationship. I told Tom about this dynamic, only for him to counter that my understanding missed the point—he’s doing it for “us.”

Ultimately, he wants me to appreciate that he’s doing what he does for both of us, not just for himself.

Understanding Perspectives

I’ve learned that I need to recognize his contributions without losing sight of what I want—which is more quality time together. Our ongoing conversations are nuanced, and it can be complex.

The truth is, men want validation for their hard work and contributions. It’s not just about appreciating the workload; it’s about recognizing the intention behind it. We often misunderstand each other simply because we lack an understanding of the values we each hold dear.

So, I’m now focusing on specific examples of how to appreciate what he does without diminishing my own needs. When Tom handles all the legal issues in our company, for instance, I express gratitude for taking that burden off my plate.

Mutual Appreciation

This keeps him feeling valued while still allowing me to express that I would appreciate more time together. This method separates my appreciation for his hard work from my need for connection.

This approach ensures he feels respected for what he does, while I can still communicate my needs without sounding like I’m complaining or dismissing his efforts.

It’s a delicate balance—one where both parties feel valued and understood. Relationships require work and an ongoing dialogue about our needs and expectations.

As we refine our approach over time, we will continue to evolve individually and together. We shouldn’t dismiss each other’s values. It’s essential to find a way to validate and appreciate what’s being brought into the relationship.

This process can be challenging, but I won’t give up. Relationships require effort, empathy, and openness, which is why Tom and I have made it work for over 23 years.

Understanding Your Partner

One of the things that means the most to me—and in a way, acts as a form of appreciation—is recognizing that your wiring is different from mine. You get more enjoyment out of certain experiences than I do, but it’s also harder for you to unwind because of your own influences. Those influences have led you to believe that in order to feel safe, you have to overwork yourself.

What’s interesting is that understanding the engineering of your partner is invaluable. Empathizing and showing that you truly see them for who they are is crucial. What’s clear about you and Tom is that you’ve taken the time to study each other. Because of this, no one else can come close to making you as happy as you both make each other. You’ve put in the effort to really comprehend each other’s dynamics, which is inspiring to others, including me and Audrey.

The Nature of Appreciation

Thank you for sharing that. Ultimately, it goes back to knowing your partner and recognizing their contributions. In my example with Tom, he loves working hard. It doesn’t drain him; in fact, it gives him a sense of satisfaction. People want to be appreciated, no matter who they are—be it business partners, friends, or romantic partners. Everyone wants to be seen for who they are and what they do.

You hit the nail on the head with the concept of being “seen.” In relationships, we often view things through our own lens. If you look at something solely from your perspective, you may end up diminishing or failing to appreciate the other person’s viewpoint. This is because their experience comes through a different lens.

This brings us to communication. It’s not just about talking but also understanding the words we use. For instance, when Tom said he wants appreciation, I had to ask him what that meant. What does appreciation look like to him? For me, it might mean giving flowers, but for him, that might not hold the same weight.

So we had to refine what appreciation means for us. I’ve learned that I want to remain truthful to myself while still recognizing Tom’s need for appreciation. This balance is vital for a healthy relationship.

Clarity in Relationships

For anyone listening—if you are in a relationship, ask your partner how you can show appreciation. If you are single, take a moment to write down how you want to be seen and appreciated. This clarity will enable you to articulate your needs in a future relationship.

Expecting your partner to intuitively understand your needs without clear communication is like closing your eyes, spinning around, and hoping to hit a bullseye. It just doesn’t work that way. Being clear about what appreciation looks like for you is the key.

The Power of Radical Confidence

I’m so excited that you are releasing the paperback of your book, *Radical Confidence*. I know people will gain so much value from it. We’ve focused a lot on relationships today, but this book is a manual for confidence in various areas of life.

It guides people through your journey of building confidence and includes insights applicable to business, family, friendships, and romantic relationships. I love how it emphasizes that change is possible, regardless of your age or circumstances.

My mother, now in her 60s, is making profound, subtle changes in how she perceives life and what she accepts. Watching her transform in this chapter of her life is incredibly inspiring. It validates the idea that change is always possible.

You don’t need a personality transplant—just small shifts in your thinking can drastically improve the outcomes in your life. This book serves as a manual for making those changes, and it’s a remarkable resource.

The book, *Radical Confidence: 11 Lessons on How to Get the Relationship, Career, and Life You Want*, now includes a new chapter focusing on leaving unhealthy love and choosing yourself.

Final Thoughts

Lisa, I love you. Thank you so much for being here. Your insights are a joy to listen to. For everyone reading or listening, please leave a comment to let us know what resonated with you the most from this episode. What hit you the hardest? We’ll see you next time on the Love Life podcast. Be well and love life.

Thank you so much for listening, everyone! If you haven’t already, please grab a copy of Lisa’s book, *Radical Confidence: 11 Lessons on How to Get the Relationship, Career, and Life You Want*. The link to get the book is radicalconfidence.com.

Also, a quick note before you go—we have our retreat coming up this year from September 9th to 14th. Given my recent book release, my name and face have been everywhere, and the demand for the retreat has surged.

If you’ve been considering joining us at the retreat, now is the time to sign up! The web address is MHretreat.com, and we are already two-thirds full. This is a live event with a limited number of seats, so once they’re gone, they’re gone.

If you want to engage in deep work with me and my team in person for six days, please visit MHretreat.com to check it out.

Until I see you in the next episode, be well and love life!

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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