Yes, it’s How to Beat the Blues season again.
And I don’t mean Manchester City, although they are probably the least of Crystal Palace’s worries. It’s the time of year when weekend newspapers pack away features on 10 Best Bikinis, Get Fit Without Lifting a Finger, Top Ten things to do in Ibiza (and two to avoid) and How To Get a Beach Body by the Time You Reach it from Your Hotel, and turn instead to life beneath the heavy skies.
Winter is coming.
So, in the magnanimous spirit with which Scott Wildblood set up his speculative Life Assistance Agency, whilst failing to look up assistance in the dictionary, we idly consider how we might combat those seasonal blues.
Don’t look at the internet. The first birthday greeting I got was from a German company offering me a £5 voucher after I bought a record stylus from them seven years ago. They’re the only people who care, I whimpered as the rain hammered against the windows like a thousand relentless locust searching for shelter. The second was from my yoga studio, which makes it sound like I work there. If worked there I’d be sacked for non-attendance. The email didn’t even offer me a free session like they used to.
Exercise – It might feel like wellies are now appropriate running gear, but go out anyway. Any fool can run in the sun, but in lashing rain and wind, well, that’s a whole new level of smugness last seen on the faces at writers at their own launch parties. The only higher level of smugness is to have run to your launch party. In the rain, in wellies, with the canapés. Actually, on reflection this just sounds like you’re really poorly organized.
Boxsets – To be honest it was only recently that I was at a party wishing I was back at home watching The Man in the High Castle. I was talking, I was listening, but really I just wanted to be on my own with the alt-universe of Germany and Japan living with the occupation and an uneasy truce in the former USA. I’m unsure if it reveals more about me or the party. Apparently, according to a straw poll of one person, Philip K Dirk’s book isn’t that good, which means the screenplay has spun cotton into silk. Boxsets are this modern phenomenon that even Amazon is throwing sack-loads of their ill-earned cash at, almost as if it’s some tax evasion dodge. it’s certainly more enjoyable than a restaurant serving cardboard food while sex-trafficking from the kitchen.
Food – This is a tricky one. It’s a thin line between eating comfort food and wallowing in it. Suet puddings might be a good idea for anyone keen to know how sailors on the Arctic Convoys survived, but if you’re going to be standing n the Central Line it is far less so. You eat suet pudding and it’s a matter of minutes before the doubt kicks in and you’re asking strangers ‘does my bum look big in this?’ There’s something far too fleeting about food for it to beat the blues, but as my Mum used to say, ‘a sausage casserole goes a long way.’
Sex – We go from the tricky one to the downright controversial one. Sex is so complicated that it can make you feel a lot worse. The mindset of someone in the throws of passion is so far from rational thought that once you’re related from its sordid imagination it’s like looking at a foreign species, albeit one with more predilection for role-plays than corporate training days. Again, it’s a great place to be, but you have to come back down to earth with a bump, and unless that’s actually your fetish, it can actually worsen your mood.
Booze – We all know how terrible this stuff is because the government is constantly paying experts to tell us how we should not drink it. The problem is we’re busy countering this with our own experts we met down the pub who reckon a few beers or wines are ‘totally fine’. They probably said a lot more, but after the club, the cab ride home and a Doner kebab, you can’t quite remember. The best thing about drinking is the day after the next day’s hangover. It’s like you’ve taken superhero pills and you’re no longer walking around like the floor’s making a loud noise. But less said about the hangover day the better, and very quietly.
Duvets – Does this need explaining? Sometimes the world is under there. Stay there, if you get the chance. Embrace it like it’s a lost cousin, albeit one who’s lost their skeletal system and replaced it with goose down.
Hobbies – The above four sound like the contents of someone’s rushed packing before the imminent destruction of planet earth. If any of those four options aren’t in your hobbies then picking one up is essential before winter kicks in. Summer doesn’t really require hobbies, just walking around commenting on what a lovely day it seems to suffice. But Winter, well, get one ASAP, before you’re stuffing tissues into the doors’ keyholes to stem arctic drafts and embracing the ironing. It can be from mud-larking to French Embroidery, to researching medieval naval knots to line dancing. It’s important to note that what inspired this blog was a Saturday supplement describing the benefits of –
Surfing – Apparently research has found surfing helps beat the blues. Well, for anyone who swims like a dog panicking in a canal (no names), this strikes me as utter nonsense. Not only does my local swimming pool not offer the sort of surf required, you need camper vans covered with enough Live Life stickers that visibility is reduced by 60%. You’re living dangerously driving all the way to Cornwall, which I guess might distract you from being depressed. Once there you have to wear a wetsuit and strut down the beach with the arrogance of a traffic warden.
I’m unsure if speaking like an extra from Point Break is prerequisite, but I know enough about myself that the best thing for my mental wellbeing is to stay as far away from surfing as possible, like in bed with a cup of tea.
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Originally published on Idle blogs of an idle fellow
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