I was habitually attracted to confident, a little arrogant, assertive, sexual, and strong men. They seemed so incredible initially, and I would call my friends and tell them, ‘I met this angel,… and we talked all night.’ Well, he certainly did talk all night.
Later, the angel wanted to control me, and he lied too much, drank too much, and I did all I could to fix him, to help him change — and we all know it is simply impossible to make someone else change unless they want to.
Eventually, we would break up. And then I ended up finding another one with the same traits. Another narcissist. My empathetic, accepting, selfless, codependent self clicked perfectly with his no-boundaries neediness for validation—a match made in heaven.
For a while, I could not see my role in this pattern. I considered myself unlucky, unfortunate. But thinking of myself as a victim only perpetuated the problem. Admitting my participation in the dysfunctional relationship pattern was the beginning of breaking the cycle.
Why do codependents and narcissists click so perfectly?
Codependents are giving, sacrificing, consumed with the needs and desires of others while neglecting their own. They haven’t learned how to set healthy boundaries and say no; they can be passive and accommodating.
On the other hand, narcissists are entitled. They lack empathy for others and need excessive admiration. They can be controlling, and they don’t know boundaries.
The codependent and narcissist both come from narcissistic parents. What sets them apart is their adaptation style. The codependents are fixers, rescuers, enablers, and people pleasers, whereas the narcissists are emotionally immature, abusive, and controllers.
In many ways, they are opposites — and opposites attract. One of them gives, and the other takes. Codependents are quite passive and submissive, which attracts the selfish, egocentric, controlling narcissist. Naturally, codependents and narcissists will end up in a relationship together. At least for a while, it will seem like a perfect match.
Charming and charismatic, the narcissist is very good at getting the codependent ‘hooked’ at the beginning of the relationship. The codependent becomes so invested in the relationship that they tolerate any inevitable abuse, as they hope the narcissist will return to the loving person they were at the beginning. The narcissist is deeply attracted to a partner who exudes patience, lets them take the lead, and makes them feel comfortable.
The codependent conditioning
In her book, The Drama of the Gifted Child, Alice Miller describes codependency in childhood. In her words, ‘the emotionally mature child loses her true self’ by trying to be the perfect child, pleasing her parents, meeting their needs, and fulfilling their expectations.
The child learns to listen when others need to talk and remain calm in a crisis, sacrificing their childhood to make their caregiver happy. The child learns that this behaviour of caretaking is rewarded with conditional love. The very seeds of unhealthy boundaries are planted when the child learns that saying no may have terrible consequences.
In adulthood, the selfless child who has always tried to please one or both of his parents is constantly looking to others for approval. They become expert listeners, compassionate, and understanding. They confuse love and loyalty with caretaking and sacrifice.
Conditioned since childhood to be there for others, to meet their needs, the codependent sacrifices her feelings of safety, her reality, to take care of the needs of her narcissistic partner.
What types of people attract narcissists?
- Overly empathic people. Thanks to your giving nature, you will put others’ needs before your own. You will keep trying to listen, to understand, until you exhaust yourself. You will act as an emotional storage container, taking on other people’s stuff.
- Rescuers. You know who you are. You’ll lend money. You’ll put yourselves in uncomfortable positions to rescue another person. Early on in your relationships, narcissists will be very good at telling you their sad stories. And you’ll feel you have to save them.
- Overly positive people. We feel good around people who feel good, right? Studies indicate that narcissists will be attracted to highly positive individuals. Furthermore, that narcissists’ romantic attraction is, in part, the result of a strategy for enhancing their self-esteem.
- Forgivers. You keep giving narcissists second chances. To them, forgiveness is permission to do it again. Getting the promotion, moving house, going on holidays, you keep hoping this person will change their behaviors.
- Children of narcissistic parents. If we have narcissistic parents, the experience trains us to become the perfect partner to a narcissist. We get used to them, to the way they love, we normalize them.
How to navigate leaving the relationship
So despite the narcissist’s best efforts to look good and gaslight you, you’ve recognized their behaviour for what it is — you see their lack of empathy, their emotional manipulation, and immaturity.
Seeing red flags like these should have you running for the nearest exit sign, so what stops you from breaking free? As tricky as it is to be in a relationship with a narcissist, or a person with narcissistic tendencies, it can be even more problematic to leave them. In some cases, it may take many years, while you are hoping for the narcissist to change.
In preparation to leave your narcissist partner, be ready for pushback, which may take the form of begging, gaslighting, or aggression. Seek outside support from your family and friends, as well as from your therapist. Be clear on your boundaries. Remain firm and lean on them as needed during the process.
Narcissists hate to fail or lose, so they will do what they can to maintain some connection if they didn’t make the choice to end it…They can experience narcissistic injury when rejected by a partner and have difficulties letting it go or healing from it… they may stay connected [to exes in order to] have access to valuable resources. They also have inside information about their exes’ vulnerabilities and weaknesses that they can exploit and manipulate which gives them a sense of power and control.
Narcissists are pros at sticking around. When an overly empathic person crosses their path, they will make sure to keep them around. This tendency to stick around is called hoovering; they contact former partners when they perceive them as getting on with their life. Do not buy into their drama; disengage and keep communication short and to the point.
Why do you miss your narcissist?
So you put in the work, and you ended that relationship. And here you are, attracted by the same type again.
Before you throw yourself in self-judgment and blame, it’s very common to miss your narcissist. Think about how much time it took to decode them, to fix them, to wonder how they were feeling. It was a full-time job. When they were gone, you have too much time on your hands. Think about how much space it took in your life.
And sometimes, it was intoxicating. When you had a good day and your efforts to please them were fruitful, and you both felt happy. Thanks to euphoric recall, we cherry-pick those moments and forget the bad ones.
Trauma bonding. The loss of a narcissistic relationship is like you’re pulling apart this traumatic web from childhood. It’s painful. And now you miss this familiarity.
You miss the rollercoaster. It was like going to the casino. Some days you lose, some days you lose. There are things you will miss and yearn for, even a long time after you’ve stopped gambling.
OK, but do you really miss them?
You may miss the early stages of the relationship when they were so charming and wonderful. Narcissists are almost always fun-to-be-around at first — they are simply playing to their audience to garner their applause.
Do you miss being lied to? Do you miss being devalued? Do you miss being invalidated? Do you miss their explosions and resentfulness? I am guessing you don’t really miss those things.
How do you become more resistant to them?
In her book, clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani offers several strategies we can use to resist narcissists. Some of them include:
- Learn to own your truth and your reality. By seeking to know and understand ourselves, we cultivate self-acceptance genuinely and lovingly. Therapy can be a great tool in this self-discovery journey. It will help you deal with your childhood trauma, grieve your lost childhood and heal.
- Set healthy boundaries. Entitled narcissists are more than willing to take more than their half. Are they going to get upset? Yes.
- Stop giving second chances and making excuses for their bad behaviour. If something happens once, give a warning. If it happens again after you asked them to stop, it’s a pattern.
- Shift your energy and attention to meaningful and purposeful activities. Giving to others through volunteering and charity work, channelling your attention to activities you are passionate about will give you something positive to focus on and allow less time and energy for the narcissist’s demands.
- Surround yourself with good people. They often prefer to isolate and control you, so they get 100% of your time and energy. Manage your bandwidth healthily and allow generous, healthy good people who have your back in your life.
Breaking the cycle
As difficult as it can be to be in a relationship with a narcissist, it is ultimately a growth experience that can teach us to step into our power.
Forgive. Once you’ve got a handle on the relationship and boundaries are in place, or you have left the relationship entirely, it’s time to forgive and let go of any toxic emotions.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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