How to Create a Gender-Balanced Household

We need to help our kids grow confidently into gender equality so they can thrive once they reach adulthood. One of the best ways to do that is to create a gender-balanced environment at home where they can practice.

Household habits like chores, allowance, language, and parenting roles are perfect opportunities for teaching both boys and girls gender fairness. Here are some suggestions for creating household routines that reach beyond outdated gender norms.

Household Chores

Two principles are crucial for building an equitable chore routine: 1) children should help equally with household tasks regardless of gender; and 2) both genders can and should help equally with both inside and outside chores.

First, try to keep in mind that chores are practice for adult living. If boys are allowed to continue playing video games while girls help in the kitchen, that’s the model for fairness that your boy will take into his adult life.

Second, try to refrain from assigning outside chores only to your boy. There’s nothing wrong with him saying he’d rather feed the baby or do the sewing than mow the lawn.

Of course it’s completely your decision to assign the amount and type of household chores based on their developmental and physical ability. That said, here are some chores that are typically assigned to girls, but should really be gender-neutral:

empty the dishwasher
wash the dishes
make the dinner salad
feed the family pet(s)
set the table
vacuum
sew
sweep
learn to use the washing machine and dryer
fold laundry
pick up clutter
dust
help care for baby and/or ailing grandparent

If your kids complain about their assigned chores, listen to their complaints, and ask how they would make it more equitable (without saddling you with more work or expense). Talk about it together. They need to feel like they’re part of the discussion.

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Ask if they think they can continue with their assigned chores for another week. Hopefully, they’ll agree, their complaints will wane, and then disappear altogether.

If their complaints don’t disappear, offer to switch things around. They need to know that you’re listening and willing to compromise.

How much allowance?

Equal pay? Yes! Absolutely!

Kids need to know that everyone should contribute equally to household maintenance, regardless of gender, and receive the same amount of allowance.

If there are special circumstances in any given week (e.g., special chores for bonus pay, sick child, conflicting family obligations, etc.), try to balance out opportunities and payments in the ensuing weeks. Otherwise, payment should always be the same, regardless of gender.

Watch this wonderful video that makes the unfairness of unequal pay super easy to understand:

Kids React to The Gender Pay Gap (video)

Equal work deserves equal pay and equal pay deserves equal work. Gender is not part of the equation. Period.

Gender-biased language

Whether we’re aware of it or not, our language sends messages about our expectations based on gender. When we comment on how pretty girls look or how strong boys are, we send messages about our expectations for kids based on their gender.

Watch what you say and how you say it. Be aware that kids pick up not just the words, but the subtext of the words.

Sexist jokes and gentle jabs about things like a woman’s weight, a boy who is emotional, sensitivity expressed as a ‘girl thing,’ a boy who expresses fear of being called a sissy — all of these verbal subtleties are retained and absorbed by our children way more than we realize.

For everyday conversations, try to use words that are gender-neutral. For example, the words policeman and stewardess are gender-specific job titles; the corresponding gender-neutral terms are police officer and flight attendant.

Phrases like ‘man up,’ ‘mankind’ and ‘drama queen’ are also deeply embedded in our daily language.

We all do it. And our kids are listening.

Because we’re often blind to some of our biases, we need feedback. Talk to close friends and family members about your own gender-biased language and ask them to call you on it.

Ask your kids to hold you accountable and give you feedback too. If you’re modeling stereotypes or expressing bias with words, be willing to admit it.

You’ll be sending a powerful message to your kids about how important gender equality is. Once they make it their job to correct any biased language you’re using, they’ll most likely adjust their own language too.

Parent roles

It’s the little things that make the biggest impressions. It might not seem obvious at the time, but the roles your kids see you playing are etching a permanent opinion in their psyche.

Make adjustments where necessary:

Who drives during family outings?
Who pays at restaurants?
Who contributes to household income?
Who goes to parent/teacher conferences?
Who chaperones school field trips?
Who makes final family decisions?

Your kids might not always do what you ask them to do but they’ll definitely mimic what they see you doing. If the work in the house is divided along traditional/outdated gender lines with the father doing certain ‘male’ jobs of repairs and maintenance, and the mother doing the ‘female’ chores of cooking and cleaning, this strategy is what your kids will pick up and carry with them into adulthood.

It’s time to change things up.

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This article was originally published on https://www.deiforparents.com

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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