The word “narcissist” is used a lot in today’s culture, usually to describe someone who’s self-absorbed, vain, or full of themselves.
We see someone posting dozens of selfies and we think, “God, what a narcissist!”.
However, in psychological terms, real narcissism goes far beyond vanity and excessive self-love and usually comes with:
- manipulation
- selfishness
- a distorted perception of reality
- lack of empathy
The above are all narcissistic traits you’ve likely heard before. The truth is, we all have an idea of what a narcissist’s personality looks like. The real question is, how can you identify one?
Because life with a narcissist can be really tricky and emotionally draining, what follows are some signs that can help you identify one before it’s too late.
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#1. Pay Closer Attention to Their Words
The way a person talks about themselves and others can reveal a lot about their personality and the way they think and approach their relationships.
When it comes to spotting a narcissist, paying attention to their choice of words is one of the most important ways to see through their facade. These people will usually overpraise themselves, use extremely positive or extremely negative words about you or others, or words that reveal their lack of empathy. For example:
Overpraising words about themselves:
- No one is better than me/can do this job better than I can/knows more things than I do.
- Everyone should recognize my brilliance.
- This world is lucky to have me.
Extremely positive/extremely negative words about you or others:
- You’re better than any other person I’ve ever met and will ever meet.
- I will treat you like royalty and give you the world.
- These people you see over there are the biggest losers you’ll ever meet.
- I can’t understand how one person can be that ugly and that stupid at the same time.
Words that show a lack of empathy:
- Who cares she’s got cancer? We all have our problems.
- Don’t be such a baby, you’ll get over it soon.
- I hate it when people cry; it makes them look so weak.
#2. Notice How Attuned to Reality They Are
Another way to identify whether a person is a narcissist is by noticing how attuned to reality they are.
That is because narcissists tend to live in a fantasy bubble and ignore much of what’s going on in the real world, which doesn’t agree with their sense of superiority and uniqueness.
According to this article in HelpGuide:
“Since reality doesn’t support their grandiose view of themselves, narcissists live in a fantasy world propped up by distortion, self-deception, and magical thinking. They spin self-glorifying fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, attractiveness, and ideal love that make them feel special and in control.”
Here are some questions that can help you notice that:
- Do they tend to ignore opinions that contradict them?
- Do they get extremely angry whenever someone tells them they made a mistake?
- Do they continuously say things like, “I’m so special”, “I’m one of the smartest people that ever existed”, or “Everyone loves me”?
- Do they see the world in black-and-white terms?
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#3. Ask Them This Simple Question
According to this study’s findings, it’s possible to measure narcissism with the help of a simple question:
“Are you a narcissist?”
It might seem weird that a single question is enough to accurately identify a narcissist, given the fact that narcissism is such a complex personality disorder, but as social psychologist Sander van der Linden explains in his article:
“This may seem counterintuitive at first, and it certainly doesn’t always work to ask people directly about their personality traits, but the case of narcissism is unique. True narcissists do not appear to view their narcissism as a bad thing. Indeed, a number of recent studies have shown that narcissists often admit that they behave in explicitly narcissistic ways, that they happily describe themselves as arrogant, braggy, etc., and even strive to be more narcissistic!”
I can actually confirm this because I once had a narcissist telling me themselves they were a narcissist and that I should be extremely careful with them.
I was pretty surprised by the fact that a person could admit such a thing so easily (or admit it at all), but it seems that most of them are proud of their narcissistic behavior.
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#4. Pay Closer Attention to Their Fears
Learning a person’s fear is a great way to gain insight into the hidden parts of themselves.
At first, a narcissist might seem super confident and comfortable with themselves, to the point of being arrogant. Once you get a bit closer, however, you’ll notice that their life is led by a number of fears:
- fear of rejection
- fear of abandonment
- fear of being ridiculed
- fear of being wrong
Of course, we all have our fears, some more than others. The difference between a narcissist and a non-narcissist is that the former’s fears are all centered around themselves and they all lead to the same outcome: the narcissist losing their sense of superiority.
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Final Thoughts
The worst thing you could do once you identify the person you’re involved with as a narcissist is staying with them, hoping they will magically change.
It’s important to understand that you cannot change them simply by loving them enough and under no circumstances should you change yourself to meet their needs and desires.
It’s not that people with a narcissistic personality disorder are doomed or that they should be excluded by society. It’s just that, in order to change their ways, they need a professional’s help and quite a lot of time and effort.
What you can do for them is to encourage them to go to therapy, and build a support network (mostly of their family) that can be there for them.
You, on the other hand, should remind yourself that you deserve better and that life’s too short to be involved with people who are not ready to treat you the way you deserve.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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