There’s a seductive appeal to the no-labels relationship. You enter into it believing you can write the playbook, defy conventionality, have fun, keep the stakes low, and — most crucially — protect your heart in a way you can’t once things become “official.”
Maybe the two of you agree not to label things, or maybe that’s just the way it takes shape without any explicit acknowledgement. Maybe you hope this will be the preliminary stage and if things go well, you will progress to something more formal. Or maybe you envision a scenario where you can just continue happily in the gray area between platonic and committed forever.
There may be label-less couples out there who have been flourishing and mutually satisfied for years. And if so, good for them for cracking the code!
But spoiler alert for the 99.9% of other undefined relationships: you’re eventually going to have to figure out what this thing actually is and where it’s going. And if it hits a dead end, your heart won’t be able to tell the difference between an unofficial breakup and a real one. The pain will be the same.
So how do you go about healing from a relationship that never existed in any clear category?
Give yourself permission to grieve
Okay, so you didn’t have a title. So what? You put in the work, the time, and the attention to maintain this connection, and you are entitled to all the same emotions as any traditional couple after it’s over.
Take your time and let yourself grieve the end of whatever this was. Because whatever it was had meaning, and the person you shared it with had a special place in your heart. It’s natural to go through the same progression of denial, anger, sadness, and so on that come at the end of a formal relationship, and don’t let anyone in your life (including yourself) tell you otherwise.
Find support that’s free of judgment
No one should have to endure the end of a relationship — labeled or not — alone. This is when your support system is most crucial, although you may find that certain people aren’t showing up for you in quite the same way they would if your situation had been easier to categorize.
Don’t try to force your friends and family to understand; if they’re not taking your heartbreak seriously, there will be others in your life who will recognize the kind of pain you’re in and will help you through it if you let them (and who those people are might really surprise you).
It may sound like a shameless plug coming from a therapist, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that therapy is designed to support people without judgment no matter how complex and hard to define their circumstances are. There’s nothing quite like being completely self-absorbed (and/or sobbing) for an hour while another person listens, nods, and offers unconditional empathy.
Take time to reflect on what you want
Maybe the informal structure of this ex-relationship worked really well for you until it ended. If that’s the case, when you’re feeling up to it you’re free to seek out another partnership with similarly few strings attached.
More likely, however, there was at least some unconscious part of you that was looking for something a bit more rooted. That’s simply human nature. And it’s nearly impossible to step back and see what’s missing from our romantic entanglements when we’re, well, tangled up in them.
So this is the time to do that — to take stock of what was fulfilling about this person and pairing, and what wasn’t. Begin to envision what your ideal relationship might look like, and be honest about any changes you might need to make in your own attitude or behavior in order to achieve it. Because the bad news is you have to start over now, but the good news is you get to start over now.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Simone Secci on Unsplash