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When your heart gets broken, it can be as painful as any physical trauma.
You can’t eat. The world seems dark. Your every thought is tinged with a feeling of loss and hopelessness.
But there are STILL choices.
And the ones you make now will decide whether you stay feeling broken and defeated, or whether you heal and come back feeling stronger, more confident, and ready to love again.
Here’s how to get on the right path back to YOU . . .
Transcript provided by YouTube:
00:00
cause why did you break up today
00:02
well because i i i made a fuss of
00:04
something today right
00:06
maybe you didn’t make a fuss about it
00:08
last month
00:09
or over the last six months maybe you
00:10
didn’t tell that person how you’ve been
00:12
feeling for years
00:14
so in that time you were choosing not to
00:16
break up with them you were choosing not
00:18
to have a conversation that you know
00:20
could lead somewhere bad but today you
00:22
chose to have the conversation why
00:24
because on some level
00:26
on some level some part of you
00:29
was ready to risk something
00:30
[Music]
00:35
now in this study steve 40 people both
00:38
male and female who had recently gone
00:40
through an unexpected and unwanted
00:43
breakup
00:45
in the last six months were given a
00:47
powerful nasal spray to reduce emotional
00:51
pain now
00:52
i say in quotes
00:54
powerful nasal spray to reduce emotional
00:58
pain because this nasal spray
01:02
in reality did [ __ ] all
01:05
oh you mean it didn’t heal your broken
01:08
heart they hadn’t researched and found a
01:11
chemical cure
01:13
for a broken heart that came in the form
01:15
of a nasal spray no steve but people
01:17
were told
01:18
that it would make them feel better
01:22
and
01:23
these faulty people reported feeling
01:26
better
01:27
after seeing an image of their ex scans
01:30
show that their brain brains responded
01:32
differently too so it wasn’t just a
01:35
feeling it genuinely was a different
01:38
reaction in the brain
01:41
to the picture of their ex now it was
01:44
just saline solution
01:46
uh the the nasal spray didn’t contain
01:49
any chemicals but these findings suggest
01:52
that placebo treatments reduce emotional
01:54
stress by altering effective
01:58
representations in frontal brain stem
02:01
systems this suggests that if you
02:03
believe you are being helped through the
02:06
breakup this can massively help
02:09
your breakup
02:10
in other words the act of taking action
02:14
alone
02:15
can engender results
02:17
what do you think about this steve
02:19
i think that’s a bit like self-care
02:21
isn’t it if you take some time for
02:22
self-care you are signaling to your body
02:26
that this is
02:27
recuperation time that you are doing
02:29
something nice for yourself there’s
02:31
probably something going
02:33
i know it’s not going to heal a broken
02:34
heart but like going to a spa probably
02:37
tells you that you want to relax and do
02:40
something
02:42
positive for your body and it makes you
02:44
even feel more lifted and de-stressed
02:48
because you have signaled to yourself
02:49
that it’s time to de-stress and
02:52
i guess if you tell yourself
02:54
i’m recovering from this by
02:56
doing good things for myself seeing
02:58
friends a broken heart it’s probably a
03:01
weird mix of psychological and physical
03:04
healing does it ever make you wonder how
03:07
many of the things we do
03:10
to get any result actually
03:13
do anything
03:15
and how much of what we do is literally
03:18
just our intention
03:21
giving us
03:22
this sense that
03:23
we are actually better
03:25
yeah i do sometimes think that even with
03:27
coffee i’ve drink drunk a lot of coffee
03:29
over the years and now i’m not even sure
03:32
what effect coffee has on me or not it
03:34
just
03:35
i could just taste it and i feel good in
03:38
the morning
03:39
you know when you buy like a really
03:40
expensive moisturizing cream for your
03:42
face
03:43
ah yeah and you think this is gonna this
03:46
is really gonna be the one
03:48
this is gonna be the one that gives me
03:50
great skin how much of it is
03:53
is it really a better formula
03:55
or could you slap a bunch of burger
03:57
grease on your face and tell yourself
03:58
that it was miracle cream and your spots
04:01
would clear up i do wonder about the
04:03
entire moisturizing industry i have to
04:05
say i’ll probably i’ll probably have a
04:07
50 skepticism about the whole thing but
04:10
it does feel nice putting that cream on
04:11
your face
04:12
well i think that the the
04:14
what’s interesting about this is that
04:16
you really can
04:19
in the wake of a
04:20
i think in a way the empowering thing
04:23
about this is that
04:24
there are
04:26
so many ways
04:28
to feel better
04:30
and we often if you take a break up it’s
04:33
an intense dramatic
04:36
event in one’s life
04:38
it produces this avalanche of pain
04:42
that
04:43
we’re left just
04:45
spinning and going how
04:47
am i going to deal with this what can i
04:50
possibly do to make myself feel better
04:52
and in any situation where there’s a ton
04:55
of pain
04:57
we can often find ourselves searching
04:59
for the perfect solution
05:00
to that
05:01
saline solution in this case
05:06
very good
05:07
the
05:09
we look for this precise way
05:13
to overcome our pain in a way you could
05:16
say the same is true even in situations
05:18
where there’s not pain you could say
05:20
uh
05:21
the same is true when we’re trying to to
05:24
get fitter or healthier or
05:28
there are
05:29
so many ways to do it
05:33
the intention
05:36
of just doing something that’s going to
05:38
help
05:41
matters more than anything else
05:44
that i am going into this breakup with
05:47
the intention that i am going to feel
05:49
better
05:51
i don’t need
05:53
the perfect
05:55
situation to get over it i don’t need
05:57
the perfect remedy i don’t need the
05:59
perfect therapist
06:02
what i need is a ton of intention that
06:04
i’m gonna do what it takes
06:07
to feel better
06:08
because there are so many ways you could
06:10
feel better you could feel better doing
06:12
jiu-jitsu you could feel better
06:15
going to the gym you could feel better
06:18
going and meditating you could feel
06:21
better spending more time with friends
06:23
and connecting in your relationships in
06:25
your life you could feel better taking
06:27
on a new purpose there are so many
06:29
different ways that you could feel
06:31
better but just the intention
06:34
of i’m gonna do something to move on
06:38
is half the battle
06:40
and the brain is so ridiculously
06:43
powerful i mean if the placebo effect
06:45
proves nothing else is how creepily
06:48
scary and
06:50
and powerful the brain is
06:52
in being able to reorganize itself based
06:55
on what it thinks is happening
06:58
yeah
06:59
rather than what is actually in any
07:01
chemical form or structural form
07:04
happening from the outside in
07:06
to the story you say about that breakup
07:09
as well it’s not that
07:11
there is no you’re in trauma there’s
07:13
nothing that’s going to suddenly make it
07:15
better it’s you’re going to have to go
07:16
through this repeated waves of pain but
07:19
even if the story in your head is
07:22
either this is going to defeat me and i
07:25
am broken and i will never
07:28
have someone wonderful love me again or
07:30
your story is
07:32
i’m a survivor i’m
07:34
able to rebuild i am a loving person i
07:38
have loving people around me
07:40
i’m gonna you know i’m gonna move
07:42
forward with my life totally different
07:44
story totally different meaning in the
07:48
way you approach everything from that
07:49
point did i mention on the podcast the
07:52
rat the the rat on the wheel experiment
07:56
it sounds familiar but i don’t remember
07:58
it
07:59
there was a
08:00
an experiment that they did
08:02
with
08:03
rats where one rat was put on a wheel
08:08
a running wheel
08:10
and
08:11
it could just run at its own pace
08:13
how whenever it chose to
08:16
and there was another rat that was
08:18
hooked up to a wheel
08:20
that or that was on a wheel that was
08:22
hooked up to the other wheel
08:25
so whenever the first rat ran of its own
08:29
volition
08:30
the second rat had to run
08:32
on the wheel
08:34
so they were both doing the exact same
08:36
amount of exercise the exact same amount
08:38
of exertion
08:42
except the results were completely
08:44
different
08:46
the rat that was on the wheel that chose
08:49
to run
08:51
had all the positive markers associated
08:54
with
08:55
exercise
08:58
the rat that had to run albeit at
09:01
exactly the same pace and distance as
09:03
the first rat
09:05
had all of the markets as markers
09:07
associated with
09:09
stress
09:12
the result of the experiment
09:14
was
09:15
linked to what you’re saying right now
09:17
that
09:18
someone can
09:20
if they
09:21
if you’re choosing
09:23
your
09:25
struggle
09:28
it can be a wonderfully empowering
09:31
growth experience for you
09:33
that has a lot of positive meaning and
09:36
does a lot
09:37
for your mindset for all of the good
09:40
things that you or all of the all of
09:42
those markers
09:43
of having achieved and overcome
09:46
something
09:47
that we get when we when we do something
09:49
difficult
09:51
if we believe that just some stress has
09:54
been imposed on us
09:57
and that we’re just reacting to it
10:02
then it’s gonna have a lot of negative
10:04
effects on our life
10:06
there’s going to be resentment there’s
10:08
going to be frustration there’s going to
10:09
be all the cortisol associated with
10:11
stress
10:13
there’s going to be a sense of
10:14
helplessness
10:15
so
10:16
in a breakup
10:18
if we
10:20
believe if our story is this was done to
10:23
me
10:25
i did not choose this
10:27
i do not want this
10:30
and
10:31
all i want is for this pain to go away
10:35
and i am going to be in every sense of
10:38
the word a victim of this time in my
10:40
life
10:42
that is going to be something that is
10:43
going to produce an extraordinary amount
10:45
of stress and helplessness
10:48
and
10:48
and depression and
10:51
a whole world of of
10:53
increased pain pain on you know
10:56
the pain of a breakup turns into a
10:59
genuine kind of suffering
11:01
that can now last a lot longer or can
11:04
just produce much more devastating
11:06
effects
11:07
if we can
11:10
look at the story of our breakup
11:13
and see it differently
11:16
we actually have a shot
11:18
at an incredibly cathartic
11:22
growth driven time in our life
11:25
that we associate with a ton of
11:27
achievement and
11:29
pride
11:30
and confidence and even control hey guys
11:33
before you watch the end of the video
11:36
if you are struggling right now with
11:38
moving on from somebody maybe someone
11:40
broke up with you and broke your heart
11:42
maybe there’s an ex you’re struggling to
11:44
get over i have a video that’s really
11:46
going to help one of my members asked me
11:49
how to get her ex back and the answer i
11:53
give her
11:54
is going gonna surprise you i have a
11:56
free training for you where i reveal the
11:58
video clip that happened in private
12:00
between me and her that is really gonna
12:02
help you with your situation if this is
12:04
what you’re feeling go to
12:06
moveonstrong.com
12:09
to get that free training and i will see
12:11
you over there
12:12
back to the video
12:14
if you can take ownership
12:16
of your pain
12:17
in that moment
12:20
now that could be in the form of saying
12:21
okay i may not have chosen this but
12:25
this truly is an opportunity
12:28
for me to become
12:30
a bigger person
12:31
this truly is an opportunity for me to
12:34
show
12:35
what i’m made of
12:37
you know people choose to climb
12:38
mountains in life this is the
12:40
interesting thing
12:41
we’re all going to have to climb
12:43
mountains
12:44
whether we choose to or not
12:46
some people climb mountains in their
12:48
free time
12:51
some people just decide to as an
12:53
activity
12:56
sometimes in life we get given a
12:58
mountain that we have to climb in the
13:00
form of a breakup in the form of a lost
13:02
job in the form of a lost loved one
13:06
but if we can remember that
13:09
there are people in life that choose to
13:11
climb mountains
13:13
that’s what they do for fun
13:16
they go out and they climb a mountain
13:17
then we realize that there is a type of
13:20
suffering that we actually choose
13:24
well what if the suffering that’s been
13:25
imposed on me is suffering i decide to
13:27
choose
13:30
i’m going to treat this like suffering
13:32
i’ve chosen because at some point i was
13:35
gonna choose suffering anyway if i
13:36
wanted to grow
13:38
well
13:39
this just this just gave me in a form i
13:41
didn’t see coming but okay here we go
13:43
this is my suffering
13:45
i was gonna choose suffering anyway if
13:48
you run a marathon anyone who’s
13:50
listening to this who’s ever run a
13:51
marathon you chose suffering
13:54
anyone who listens to this who went to
13:56
the gym in the last week you chose
13:59
suffering
14:01
or what if the suffering that was
14:02
imposed on you becomes the suffering you
14:04
choose
14:06
and there’s that stoic concept that
14:08
stomach concept we’ve talked about
14:09
before amor fati love your fate what
14:12
happens to you can you
14:14
embrace it with both arms and say i’m
14:17
gonna
14:18
embrace
14:19
the challenge the pain of this moment
14:21
right now and take it on
14:23
yeah or maybe go a step further and say
14:26
it’s
14:27
i’m not just dealing with something i
14:28
would never have chosen to deal with
14:30
i’m in a way i’m just substituting i i
14:34
was going to choose that really
14:35
difficult thing to do this year
14:37
but now that this has come along
14:39
i that
14:40
i can switch that out i found my
14:42
difficult thing this year
14:45
you know i could substitute this for
14:47
that thing i was gonna do this year
14:50
that’s a powerful way of looking at it
14:51
and by the way for a lot of people who
14:53
go through breakups one of the things i
14:54
say is maybe you chose it even more than
14:56
you thought you did
15:00
if
15:01
for example
15:03
your breakup happened because you had a
15:05
conversation with someone
15:07
about something that you needed more of
15:09
maybe more commitment maybe you needed
15:12
to be respected more maybe you needed
15:13
them to try harder maybe you didn’t feel
15:15
they were communicating with you enough
15:18
you essentially you spoke up
15:20
about your needs
15:22
and that precipitated the breakup
15:25
because you spoke up that person decided
15:28
oh god this is all too much i can’t do
15:30
this
15:34
you broke up with them
15:38
it may feel like they broke up with you
15:42
but it could be just as accurate to say
15:44
you broke up with them
15:46
because finally you decided to voice
15:48
your needs
15:49
because why did you break up today
15:51
well because i i i made a fuss of
15:54
something today right
15:55
maybe you didn’t make a fuss about it
15:57
last month
15:58
or over the last six months maybe you
16:00
didn’t tell that person how you’ve been
16:02
feeling for years
16:04
so in that time you were choosing not to
16:06
break up with them you were choosing not
16:08
to have a conversation that you know
16:10
could lead somewhere bad
16:12
but today you chose to have the
16:13
conversation why because on some level
16:16
on some level some part of you
16:20
was ready to risk something
16:23
so if that resulted in a breakup take
16:25
some ownership for that of that breakup
16:28
don’t be the victim of that breakup take
16:30
some ownership oh we broke up because i
16:33
stated my needs
16:36
so in a sense i broke up with them
16:40
i was the one who started the breakup
16:44
they just pulled the natural trigger
16:46
they did what i pushed them to do
16:48
because they couldn’t give me more
16:50
and i asked them to give me more thereby
16:53
thereby
16:54
precipitating this breakup then you can
16:56
really take ownership of it
16:59
and say
17:00
this is i i’m here because i played a
17:02
part in this
17:04
albeit for all the right reasons
17:07
i’m suffering right now because i made
17:10
an important decision for myself to
17:12
speak up and that led to a breakup and
17:15
now i’m on my own and it’s
17:16
excruciatingly painful it’s so difficult
17:20
there’s a lot of pain ahead in this
17:22
process
17:23
but
17:24
i’m gonna take some
17:26
i’m gonna take some ownership of that
17:28
pain
17:30
and in doing so this becomes a kind of
17:32
suffering that i have chosen
17:35
and thereby i can embrace it as a growth
17:38
exercise as opposed to simply something
17:40
that
17:41
i have to
17:42
grip my teeth and try to white knuckle
17:45
my way through
17:46
and hope i survive
17:48
no we don’t go to the gym and hope we
17:50
survive we go to the gym in anticipation
17:54
of growth demanding growth as the reward
17:57
for our time and energy go into your
17:59
breakup demanding
18:01
growth the same way that when you do a
18:04
bicep curl you demand that your bicep
18:07
grow
18:09
i’m doing this so that you grow
18:12
well go into the breakup demanding
18:15
the growth
18:17
i’m demanding i’m going to get growth
18:19
out of this i’m not hanging on for
18:21
survival i’m demanding those muscles to
18:24
grow right now so that i can be a bigger
18:26
person when this is done i know you are
18:28
going to love and get so much out of
18:30
this next video go check it out here and
18:33
i will see you over there this terrible
18:35
feeling you have right now about losing
18:36
this person those two words if nothing
18:39
else if you’re at the worst moment of
18:41
your breakup if nothing else just
18:42
remember
18:43
emotions change
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
***
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