Growing up hyper-independent, I learned to depend on myself for everything — which meant that I rarely asked for help. It felt much safer to do things myself.
As the eldest daughter to immigrant parents, and the eldest sibling to my brothers, I learned at an early age the importance of self-sacrifice, problem-solving, and caring for others. Often, this looked and felt like being the reliable one, the planner, and always having the answers to questions — even before they were asked.
On the other hand, this also translated to increased anxiety, people-pleasing tendencies, the fear of rejection, perfectionism, and more. Sometimes, it was much easier to focus on the needs of others instead of facing our own feelings and emotions inside.
Over time, the inability to feel my own feelings and express them — in addition to my desire to help others instead of getting “helped” — further pushed me away from others who I wanted to care for. Instead of focusing on myself, I focused on what others thought of me. Some said that I was “aloof” while others admired my reliability.
It wasn’t until I took a step back to reexamine my relationships that I realized the hole I was digging and stepping into. Since then, my relationship with others — and myself — have improved. I no longer want to hide. I no longer want to please. I just want to be my authentic self with caring relationships.
Here are 5 Ways to improve your relationship with others, especially if you have an avoidant attachment tendency.
Set Boundaries Compassionately
One of my friends informed me over text messaging, “I cannot accept your apology — that is my honest feeling. I don’t want to discuss this issue any further.” I received this text message after I had apologized (again) in person after this issue was initially brought up over text. Additionally, leading up to this message, my friend never directly told me how she actually felt.
While I applaud my friend for being honest with me and stating her desire not wanting to engage any further, I think the impact of the message could have been much more powerful. For example, instead of communicating her feelings over text, an in-person conversation could have been helpful, especially for both sides to fully engage and address the root of the problem. Additionally, while I knew that she was probably feeling upset, I wished that she had communicated her feelings more explicitly rather than calling me out for my inactions and actions.
There is a difference between communicating your boundaries in a compassionate way compared to stating them with blunt honesty irrespective of how others feel. Even though my friend was honest about her feelings, this does not excuse the fact that she had not considered the receiver of the message — which ultimately was not kind.
Let others finish their thoughts
We often assume that we know what others are thinking by filling in the gaps for the things left uncommunicated. Moreover, with an avoidant attachment style, it’s comforting to stay within your comfort zone by avoiding intimacy.
I caught myself doing this in a trivial manner: when I was feeling bored and wanted to hang out, I texted my friend, “What are you doing later tonight?” After my friend said “I have to do X,” I found myself disengaging with the conversation by not answering. A couple of hours later, I finally replied “No worries. I was going to suggest doing X but we can find another day to do this.”
With my avoidant attachment style, I found myself detaching from the conversation even though I wanted to answer. However, my avoidant personality took over — I wished that I hadn’t asked and felt foolish all of a sudden because I was anticipating the result: “No.” It felt much safer to disengage before others can say No.
On the other hand, when I finally became aware of my thought process a couple of hours later, I realized that I could have easily just asserted my needs and allow my friend room to respond — turns out that he DID want to hang out and expressed regret for not being able to that day, but we eventually hung out. While this may be a trivial example of disengagement, similar habits can habit again in larger contexts.
Make Time for People
Are you actually making time for people — suggesting hangouts and/or social events to catch up and be involved in one another’s lives? Or are you taking the passive seat and waiting for others to make plans with you — and you only reach out when you need something?
When we physically remove ourselves from others and say no repeatedly over time, it becomes difficult to sustain a caring relationship. While we may be entering “busy” seasons in our lives where we may have to take more than give, a healthy relationship takes time and effort to nourish and grow.
Communicate your needs
When our needs are not directly communicated or received, we may lash out in desperation. Sometimes, this looks like passive aggressiveness — snarky and backhanded comments.
“Grandma, look at that! It’s a snake!”
“Stop David! Leave it alone.”
“It might crawl away and hide.”
“It’s better to see it than to have it hide. Things that hide are more dangerous and scary.”
— Minari film, 2020
This is a scene between the grandma and his grandson, David in the film, Minari (2020). The grandma offers wise words to her grandson about addressing things earlier rather than later — in comparison to spotting a snake and taking (action) to leave it alone rather than letting than having it attack you out of nowhere.
When we don’t openly communicate our needs, but expect others to mindread, then we are being unfair to others and unrealistic with our expectations.
Our feelings are gateways to better understanding our needs, interests, and emotions. While avoidants may try to run away from their feelings — in fear of closeness and intimacy, our feelings may manifest in subtle ways of pushing others away and passive aggressiveness — if unaddressed.
Sometimes, we may try to intellectualize our feelings to justify and better embrace them, but it’s okay to just feel. Our feelings don’t define us.
Instead of weaponizing our feelings and running away from them, we can use them to better express our needs, communicate with others, and develop better relationships with others.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Ilya Shishikhin on Unsplash
