How To Keep Yourself From Coming Unhinged in an Argument

I’d much rather have 15 people arguing about something than 15 people splitting into two camps, each side convinced it’s right and not talking to the other.

— Linus Torvalds

Arguments — or at least disagreements — are a fact of life. It is inevitable that we won’t see eye to eye with others now and then.

However, many people view the word “argue” as emotionally loaded — and with good reason. Although the actual meaning of the word relates to two or more people discussing opposing views, all too often those discussions can become heated.

The good news is it doesn’t have to be that way.

One of the biggest changes you can make in your life is to understand that arguments can be handled appropriately and respectfully, allowing all parties to be heard and coming to the best possible resolution.

In fact, that keeps relationships healthy by ensuring that there are no buried issues and hidden resentments.

What Doesn’t Work

There are more than a few people on the planet who seem to enjoy arguing. You know the kind…the ones who seem to say “black” just because you said “white,” and as soon as you say “Okay, black”, then they say, “No, wait, it’s white.” They argue just for the sake of it.

Heaven only knows what’s gone on in their lives to make them behave this way. There’s a huge power play going on; obviously something has happened to make them need to be controlling.

You will never win an argument with those people because although they might not even realise it, they’re not arguing about an issue, standing up for themselves, or acting on principle. They won’t hear a thing you say and you can’t make any valid points because the issue doesn’t matter in the least. Their main goal is to manipulate you into being upset or into giving up so they feel powerful.

All of us need to feel an element of control in our lives but when others cross our boundaries and attempt to control those around them, that’s a problem. It is usually subconscious, fear-based behaviour and generally requires self-exploration and a deep sense of self-awareness and understanding to change it.

Trust me; you won’t get them to change during an argument. You might as well save your breath — and your temper.

Then there’s another kind of argument. It’s the kind that starts out as a discussion with two (or more) people. All parties insist that they’re right and no one is budging. You can see rather quickly that the discussion is going nowhere — except, perhaps, that too much emotion gets thrown into the mix and presto — a brand new argument ready to blast off into the stratosphere.

3 Tips That Do Work

#1- Intentional Listening

There’s nothing wrong with disagreeing with others or having an argument. What’s important, however, is how you do it. Is it with closed ears and a closed mind? Your way is the right way, full stop? Do you believe your feelings are the only ones that matter, or they matter more than the other person’s?

That sort of attitude will never be helpful.

The best way to approach a difficult discussion is with a listening heart. That means asking for clarification and listening with compassion, doing your best to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. That’s the best way to understand the opinions and concerns that are being put forward — and with understanding, you can find your way to resolution a whole lot quicker. And with a lot less drama.

#2- Focus on the Main Issue

It’s important to stay focused on only the primary concern and not bring other ones into it. That’s like trying to bake a cake and then throwing in the ingredients for Sunday roast, a Caesar salad, and a full English breakfast all at once. The result would be pretty horrible, to say the least, and your cake will have been lost in the mess.

If this happens, take a “time out” and agree to a set, relatively short time period to cool down and come back together to talk. Don’t leave it too long; try 10–15 minutes, perhaps half an hour at most. Do not storm out and leave the argument hanging unfinished. This produces resentment and builds walls that can erode your relationship over time.

If the issue is important to you, it needs to be discussed until you can come to a resolution. Ignoring it won’t make it go away. It’ll only create a distance between you and the other person.

#3- Recognise a Stalemate

Sometimes, you might discover that despite a lot of discussion, there is no progress, no forward movement. You are stuck in a sort of “Yes, it is,” “No, it isn’t,” “Yes, it is,” “No, it isn’t,” situation that’s going nowhere.

If you see that that’s where you’ve landed and you must agree to disagree, then say so — and walk away after making peace and calming the waters between you. It is essential not to hold onto a grudge or resentment.

It might be that there are other factors at play and further discussion at that time will not be helpful. Sometimes the issue needs to settle before coming back to it.

Perhaps one person is tired or more information needs to be obtained. Agree to a little space and decide when you’ll pick it up again. Don’t let the unresolved issue get in the way during that space. Stay focused on keeping your relationship strong while you work through this issue.

Or it might be that one person or the other is not being or feeling understood. It could be that the Sunday roast and the “full English” have been thrown into the mix. If this is the situation, call for a time out and come back to clarify things later, addressing only one concern at a time.

Whatever you do, don’t leave the primary issue unresolved without a plan to finish it one way or another. To do so would mean planting toxic seeds that can eventually destroy your relationship.

The Bottom Line

It might take only one person to start an argument, but it takes two for it to continue. Keep these three tips in mind to prevent unnecessary blow-ups:

1. Listen with your heart and try to see the other person’s perspective.
2. Focus on one issue at a time. When tempers flare, back off; take a brief “time out” and come back together after a few minutes’ break.
3. Recognise when the conversation had become unproductive — or worse, destructive — and stop.

Disagreements will always be part of every relationship, whether it’s between friends, siblings, neighbours, colleagues, romantic partners or any other combination of two or more people. If you’re breathing, conscious, and interacting with other humans, you can expect that sometimes those disagreements will turn into arguments.

Setting these few simple ground rules at the start will go a long way to keeping the discussion respectful and productive.

And if you need an outside perspective, a listening ear, or some support to help navigate the choppy waters of dealing with an unfinished argument, confide in a trusted friend for comfort and guidance.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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