Romeo and Juliet. Not a great story. Girl meets boy. They fall in love over a weekend and cause so much mayhem that several people died.
Fifty Shades of Grey. Girl meets boy. He says what he wants out of life and she methodically sets about deconstructing his vision of what he adamantly wants in a relationship.
Sex and The City. Don’t even get me started on that one.
Fiction hasn’t done a lot to promote a healthy understanding how relationships actually should function.
. . .
Falling in love is natures brilliant design to promote procreation. You have to be so in love that you throw caution to the wind and make babies. But that whirlwind of emotion doesn’t always come with the necessary elements to make a relationship work over the long term.
So what are those elements?
You can talk
I mean really talk. About anything, about everything. And it doesn’t feel difficult. You don’t find yourself avoiding conversations. Or walking on eggshells. Or holding back.
Healthy communication is necessary to have a good relationship. It is non-negotiable.
You want the same things
You simply cannot compromise your values to be in a relationship. Let me give you an example. You are dating someone and your intention for your life is to get married and have children. Said partner wants to “go with the flow” and just see what happens. Marriage and children are not a priority and may actually be off the table.
You act as if this arrangement is acceptable but you secretly hope your partner will become more committed to what you desire. Guess what? You will never be happy. You can stay in the relationship and never get anything you want. Yes, it might last but you will never be happy.
You have incredible chemistry
Physical. Yes, of course. But the truth is, you can have physical chemistry with a lot of people. The one for you is a person who you have an incredible attraction to not just physically, but mentally. You have sexual fireworks and you can stay up all night talking.
“The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space.”
-Marilyn Monroe
You can disagree without arguing
Any two people may come down on different sides of an issue. The expectation in a relationship is not complete agreement with your partner all the time.
When you disagree in a good relationship, it is just that. A disagreement. Not a screaming, yelling, disrespectful or violent argument. Unnecessary drama has no place in a healthy relationship. Yes, disagreeing is a normal part of life. Arguing is not.
You believe in one another
In healthy relationships, you support one another. You help your partner figure out how to get what they want. You have their back. All the time.
If you can’t get behind your partner’s dreams then you are with the wrong partner. Plain and simple. Part of compatibility means you are on their side, no matter what. We all need to be supported in this world. So many people will be quick to dismiss or disparage you. That kind of treatment is the last thing you need from your partner.
You give each other what you need
Truly loving a person means you give. You want that person to live in abundance, not lack. Their happiness is your happiness. Why would you ever want that person to go without something they need?
So often, relationships descend into chaos. Well you didn’t do anything for me, why should I do anything for you? It becomes a competition of who can participate the least. Nothing grows when it is starved. You can’t possibly call it true love when you behave competitively.
. . .
You may be reading this and thinking, I found the one. We have all of this. I hope that is you. If not, keep searching. I promise you, this kind of love exists. And once you have found it you will know a passionate, connected way to live in this world. You won’t remember life before you had it. And you won’t ever let it go.
Because finding true love is better than any fiction.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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