Back when I used to be deep in the trenches of the “pickup artist” or “PUA” community, I saw a lot of marketing for books and programs that promised to teach you how to make women addicted to you or even obsessed with you.

So much of this marketing was bullsh*t. It would give the impression that their programs could instantly turn you into some super stud that could seduce any woman just by saying three magic words or something like that.

There was always at least a tiny bit of truth in all that marketing, though.

For example, I discovered through my own social experimentation that there were indeed ten “magic” words that could get almost anyone to like you really quickly:

What about getting someone “addicted” to you?

That part wasn’t all marketing BS, either. We took the same concepts of people becoming psychologically addicted to things like gambling, and applied it to seduction.

Gambling, however, isn’t as bad of an example to look at in this context.

While it is often harmful in that tons of people lose their entire life savings and go into massive amounts of debt because of it, it’s still a very different example when applying its concepts to relationships and “game.”

It’s all about the dopamine.

When you spin some slots or play a gacha game, you will sometimes be rewarded with something you like, which will trigger the release of dopamine in your brain.

The part that creates an addiction is that these dopamine releases are intermittent in an unpredictable way.

If you received a reward that you liked every single time, or you knew that you’d get a reward after every fourth pull of the lever, it’s going to get boring real fast.

These processes are addicting because your brain is so stimulated into trying to find a pattern that probably isn’t even there.

You can emulate this sort of addiction by:

1. Triggering the release of dopamine in other people, and
2. doing it in an unpredictable way.

For example, it can be as small and simple as saying the other person’s name while you’re in a conversation with them a random number of intermittent times at random points. Hearing your name releases a small but very noticeable amount of dopamine, especially in positive contexts.

It can also be as drawn out or long term as giving them gifts at unpredictable times just because you were thinking of them at those random times. This will work best if “Receiving Gifts” is the recipient’s primary love language.

Note how those examples do not implement any sort of “lows” that make things like a harmful drug addiction addictive. If you find yourself in any sort of relationship where you’re experiencing addiction because of such toxic patterns, though, read on:

How to protect yourself from harmful addictive relationships

First of all, “knowing is half the battle,” as they say.

The more intimately you know about something, the more prepared you will be. Never stop learning. Keep reading books about this kind of stuff. Welcome life experiences that will help you learn without causing irreparable harm.

There were many instances where I recognized that I was very much drawn to certain women because of the same hot and cold dynamic often seen in drug addictions. Fortunately, I knew to stay away because I had already experienced toxic relationships, and I knew the signs and dangers of things like narcissism and selfish behavior.

To protect yourself, you need to be practiced in setting boundaries. In order to clearly define your boundaries, you need to know exactly what your boundaries are, and what they are supposed to protect you from.

You need to practice saying NO to things that aren’t good for you.

Go and practice saying No to something that you know you should be saying No to, and come back to tell me how it went!

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This post was previously published on ILLUMINATION.

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