We all messed up the relationship with our parents at least once. Remember that time when dad didn’t talk to you for weeks? What about mom? Did she try to fix it up with a family dinner?
Two out of three (66%) of adolescents age 12–17 live with both parents, 24% with their mother only, 5% with their father only, and 5% with neither parent [1]. The quality of parents’ relationships makes a difference to children in many ways. — Act for Youth
Well, you might not be that young, but what difference does this make. Most adults have a somewhat challenging relationship with their parents. While parents neglect the fact that you are a responsible grown-up, you are hiding behind their wisdom. How many times have you asked your parents for their advice regardless of their experience level? Hopefully, not too many times. We all make that mistake because we neglect that our parents don’t know it all.
Caring isn’t always sharing. Sharing your thoughts, ideas, and plans with your parents often results in fights and arguments about your future. The perceptions are different. Whereas your parents wish you to be safe, you aspire to live the life you want. Not considering their advice comes with great difficulty, but sometimes it is worth it. Your parents don’t know it all. Accept that. Asking your parents for advice can make it worse. The four pillars of concern are your romantic relationships — friendships — career — finances. They provide you with life-long advice in each of those categories, regardless of how old you are. So you better cut them short when you are young. Listing to your parents can be drowning because they always know it better. They have been there and done that. Who are you to know? Navigating those challenging conversations is tricky. Sometimes you just got to mess them up.
Fighting with your parents
A big fight is a huge opportunity that you should take into consideration. Once you create the chaos, you can allow yourself and your parents to start over. You are no longer the infant. Stand up for yourself and prove them wrong. Rely on yourself and make your own decisions. Going against them can be challenging but also rewarding. If you fight with your parents, you partly fight with yourself. They are the people you used to be or still are the closest two. Taking them off their pedestal and engaging in a real conversation is tough. How should you approach them? Do you hurt them? Should you speak your mind? Yes, you should. Communication is key. Stop putting your parents upon a pedestal and start talking. What is it that concerns you? Are you mad? Sad? Afraid? Is there anything in the past that precludes you from moving on? Most memories are snapshots that are linked to strong emotions. They can be happy or sad. If you have been truly hurt, you remember it vividly. Solving the issues from the past allows you to move on. Unresolved issues are like trash in the garage. Get rid of it and repaint the walls.
Redefining your values
PsychCentral offers advice when it comes to your relationship with your parents. First of all, you go to get your house in order before you revamp it. A vital part is to acknowledge that you are a different person from your parents. You are your being. You might have developed characteristics that are similar to your parents, but they shouldn’t be the only thing that defines you. Being yourself and understanding this is important. You are you — not your parents.
Accept that your parents aren’t perfect (and neither are you). — PsychCentral
Nobody is perfect. You are not perfect. Your parents aren’t perfect. So stop it. As kids, we tend to highlight the perfection of our parents. Maybe it is their behavior, relationship, or beliefs — but they aren’t.
Psychology Today describes five steps that allow you to have a better relationship with your parents.
- Talk to each other like to adults
- Be responsible
- Embrace constructive conflicts
- Acknowledge boundaries
- Be open to feedback
The beauty of constructive conflicts
Children experience unhealthy conflicts with their parents. Unhealthy conflicts involve “Silent treatments, passive aggression, screaming fights, ignoring issues, and guilt” according to Psychology Today. Resolving those conflicts takes time and action. An open discussion is a good solution, but not always the antidote. While you grow up, your parents grow old. In a toxic relationship, they neglect the fact that you are a responsible adult. Proof wrong and challenge them with discussions. Over time they will respect you, and hopefully, you will be able to relive your issues. Time is scarce!
Thanks to Abhay Salvi.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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