She and I just arrived at this awkward stage between a regular friend and a lover. She feels comfortable enough to hold on to me tightly on a Jet Ski but hesitant to display clear signs of affection.
Playing it cool is different from playing hard to get, which is a technique that many employ to create a sense of scarcity. Playing it cool just means being indifferent to the response of the other person. You aren’t bound to their opinion of you.
Aggressive moves like buying flowers and confessing your feelings usually associate with a one-sided love affair because if the attraction is escalating fluently, there’s no need to pull off anything sudden like that.
If they decline your invite, reply with grace
I treat it like fishing. I’ll throw bait into the ocean. If nothing bites, I’ll reel it back in. Then wait for another opportunity. I’ll send a quick text asking to hang out. Simple, clear, to the point. For whatever reason she declines, I’ll back off for another day. It shows you want them but don’t need them.
Care, but also not care
Of course, you’re interested in their background. You want to know what they’re thinking. When they mention their last relationship, your ears perk up. You like them. You should care. Just don’t go overboard by penetrating them with personal questions.
Be curious, not a predator.
If they hang out with the opposite sex, don’t show how much it bothers you
Right now, you have no right to invade their personal life regardless of what they do. Let them party until 2 A.M. with God-knows-who. Don’t even spy on the good-looking friends who are constantly commenting on her social media. You think you can hide your jealousy but others can sense it. And jealously shows you’re insecure and controlling.
Don’t get too excited when they show you interest
They might try really hard to impress you. They might pull a chair next to you and start bombarding you with questions. They might call you in the middle of the night. They might share deeply personal stories with you. You’re so thrilled just to receive their attention that you quickly throw yourself at them. You feel the need to reciprocate an affection level of 10 when they give you 7. This is where the attraction gets lost a lot of the time. Not that you should keep your guard up, but maintaining some level of mystique and independence is vital — don’t lose yourself.
Reach out if they’re acting distant, just don’t be weird about it
They might go cold turkey without warning and reason. This isn’t panic time. Or the time to speculate about who they might have met or what you have done wrong. Give them space. Perhaps they’re truly busy or mentally occupied by various life events. If they go a few weeks without responding, leave them one final message denoting your concern for their well-being. Then leave it at that. If they can remove you from their lives so easily, they never belonged to you, anyway. Use your head more than your heart here.
Texting and calling ratio
This one is a bit tricky. Some women refuse to text or call first, either due to their insecurity or in the traditional belief that men should do all the initiating. Some are notoriously unresponsive, but it doesn’t always mean they’re disinterested. The girl I’m pursuing is slow to reply to texts, sometimes don’t even answer. But when she does, she’s engaged enough for me to stay invested.
If someone is giving emojis and one-word answers, it’s time to step back. Never ask what’s going on, why they’re acting this way or things of this nature, you have no time or energy for that.
Don’t tell them your whole life story if they don’t share some of their
Do they share as much personal information with you as you do with them? They might be hesitant to open up at times because you have yet to gain their trust, which is okay. You don’t want to reveal all your cards while they keep theirs under the table. Shades give off a cool appearance because it seems to hide your eyes, the window to your thoughts and emotions.
If you help them, ask them to help you sometimes too
Do them a favor. Something small. But you aren’t a volunteer. You guys have equal footing and when you need a hand with something, don’t be afraid to speak out.
Take your time escalating the attraction
The opposite of playing it cool is trying too hard to impress and forcing the relationship to happen. You know how that usually plays out. Attraction needs to slowly, organically build through bonding experiences and deep connections, such as engaging in fun activities together or having a meaningful conversation. Don’t plan them. Just let them happen. If they don’t, you have other things to attend to.
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You-want-them-but-don’t-need-them attitude comes from you prioritizing yourself and your own life over someone else. A partner is the icing on a cake, not a hot cup of hot cocoa in the snow.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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