For starters, let’s assume that you have a hole in your wall. If you have kids, this is pretty much a given. In my case, I have 6 holes. That sounds like a lot but rest assured one of those is 5 times as big as any other hole, so it’s really more than that. Let’s call that hole ½ of the garage ceiling because pipes burst.
Anyway, the first thing you want to do to repair these holes is learn how to do drywall because you don’t have the cash hand to hire an expert that could do it in a single day. Let’s call this the Cash Poor situation so we can sound uber rich.
Next, forget about those holes because your wife has come down with Covid and is currently on day 5 of her quarantine. After your freak-out and thanking every deity known to man that she is vaccinated, turn your attention back to the holes in your home.
Go to your local big box store and bring the kids to get some drywall so you can eventually patch up your home. Walk around for 2 hours because you misplaced the youngest somewhere near the kitchen section. Daydreaming makes us all lose track of time.
Go home without the drywall because you can’t load it in the van because you decided to bring the kids. Drop the kids off at home and go back to get the drywall. Remember your kitchen fantasy as you now load up the drywall. One minute from your home, check your text messages because you haven’t had time to go to the store yet and someone needs lunch. And your plague Mary wife would like a treat as well. Call it a day and start drywalling tomorrow.
Great news, tomorrow is here! Check on your wife to make sure she is ok. Feel guilty as hell because you know that she’s bored and you wish you could entertain her. Do a little jig, maybe something from the play Rent, and then head back to finally start drywall.
Get your drill, you’re going to need it. It should be somewhere in the living room because why not? Check the couch cushions because most likely that’s where one of your kids was playing with it because it goes vroom vroom when you pull the trigger. Maybe it’s in the kitchen, but not the kitchen you deserve. Check the dishwasher. And since you’re in there, go ahead and clean the kitchen.
Now that the kitchen is clean, clean the whole house because now it just looks weird. Take a break for lunch and go get everyone something to eat. You really need to go to the store but you keep forgetting because the holes in your walls are letting wasps in and it’s a whole thing with a lot of screaming.
Walk out to the garage and asses your ceiling damage. Man, that is a huge hole. You can see the entire floor of your bathroom through that hole. You should really remodel your shower, while you’re at it. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. It’s time to focus.
Leave the garage to see what your wife wants. She’s bored and asks for something from Les Misérables. Make sure to use jazz hands. She likes jazz hands.
Next, it’s time to take your kids to the pool. You totally forgot that you promised them a trip to the pool. Get them already and then forget the sunscreen in the kitchen. (still yucky.)
You’ve had a full day of not repairing drywall, and its now time to go to sleep. Go ahead, big guy, you’ve earned it. Use a sheet you’ve had since 1992 and make up your bed on the couch because you still can’t sleep in the same bed as your wife. A sore back means that you’re working hard. Fall asleep somewhere around 3 am because the cat likes to sit on your face in the middle of the night. That drywall is almost done!
Get up bright and early and make breakfast for everyone by going to get donuts. You still haven’t had time to go grocery shopping. But it’s all ok, because now you understand why you’re are always cash poor.
After breakfast, console your wife because she still is testing positive for Covid 6 days later. But no hugs, please. Social distance your way right out the door to the garage. Ok, now you’ve got this. Stand up on the scaffolding that you got the other day and wonder if you fell off this thing would anyone find your body? Probably when it’s time for lunch.
It’s time for lunch, come back down and promise yourself that you’ll go to the grocery store. Take a little break, it’s already been a busy day. Let’s mediate. “I am in control. I am in control. My 9-year-old is having an anxiety attack about something that may happen in Jan 2025 that he just thought of. He screams really loud. I am in control.” Now that you’r centered and you reassured your child that an asteroid is not on it’s way to Earth, it’s time to get back to the drywall.
“Why is the house so dirty?” your wife asks you when she comes down because she’s still bored. Tell her that you love her mask and explain that things have been a little hectic, but you are 100% on top of it. 100%! Right after you write that article whose deadline is tomorrow that you have completely forgotten about.
After another fantastic night of cat butthole sleep, wake up bright and early, and get ready to put the finishing touches on that drywall that you haven’t done at all yet. Don’t worry, that eye twitch you’ve got going on is completely normal.
In the garage, put on your headphones and crank up the angriest music you can find. Music so loud that every question, other chore, or complaint goes into the white noise. Forget about eating. Give your kids your wallet and tell them to figure it out.
Square your hole in the ceiling, stick the sheetrock up there, screw it done, and mud it. Lay your tape over that mud and there you go, you’ve got the drywall done! Congrats on sticking to it even though you have no idea what you’re doing. Should it be all wavy like that? Honestly, who cares?
Because you can do it all, all the time, for everyone. You are the fixer, the writer, the Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad, the guy that makes problems go away. And even though things may be a little stressful at the moment, remember that tomorrow you can start on the other holes in your ceiling and you might as well redo the kitchen while you’re at it. You’ve obviously got the time.
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