How to Tame Fear and Stop It From Ruining Your Life

My peers at school often told me to kill myself. The day would start with being ostracised from any cliques and some name-calling — variations of ugly, fat, repulsive, etc.

As the day progressed, I would get dragged into the toilets and punched, kicked, or even hit with tennis rackets. This abuse persisted until the end of the day when I would get battered a few more times before I reached the safety of my mom’s car — which was a Skoda and a joke.

Throughout the years of torment, my dad shouted at me in frustration, “Why don’t you stand up for yourself?” I used to tell him I didn’t want to get suspended. But it wasn’t true.

I didn’t stand up for myself because I was scared of confrontation. Even though I was being confronted all day and assaulted often, I would shake at the idea of retaliation.

Ultimately, I rose above my fear, and it changed my life, but I know fear controls you too. Maybe not in the form of bullying, but you’re settling for less in life than you deserve. You’re scared of rejection and failure and are struggling to fit in an ever-shrinking comfort zone.

Let’s break out of that zone by understanding what we’re dealing with.

Types of fear.

First, we have acute fear. This is when we get a massive adrenaline dump into our stomach that comes on suddenly and is in response to an obvious threat.

If you’re not careful, this massive surge of fear can paralyze you. In the wrong circumstances, that means you’re dead.

In my old life as a Police Officer, I would get this surge of fear when something unexpected happened. Once I was talking to a man quite amicably, and he pulled a knife out from his pocket. I might have been killed if I didn’t understand this fear, but I made it work for me and came out on top.

Acute fear has its role as a protector. It stops you from walking in front of traffic or going near the edge of a cliff. Some people even seek it out as daredevils and stunt performers.

Chronic fear is insipid. If you have an exam in a week, chronic fear will drip adrenaline into your body and sap your resolve until the big event.

There’s a story about an old wrestler traveling by train to meet a formidable opponent with a fierce reputation. At every station, the fear got a little worse. Eventually, the wrestler couldn’t take anymore. He contacted his opponent to tell him, “you beat me in Birmingham.”

Birmingham was nowhere near the venue for the match, and the fierce opponent didn’t even need to throw a punch. Fear knocked the wrestler out cold, hundreds of miles from the fight.

I dreaded every day at school with this slow trickle of fear. I never knew what the day would bring, but it wouldn’t be good.

Knowledge is power, and as you cannot eliminate fear, it helps to know what you’re dealing with and how to work with it.

1. Fear isn’t your enemy.

Your experience with fear may be that it is a painful, suffocating force that stops you from achieving your potential. An untameable monster.

Fear can be your best friend. It has guaranteed our survival since time began. Yes, fear can paralyze you in the face of danger, but it can also prepare you for battle — the fight or flight response.

On occasion, when I have been fighting for my life with a suspect, I’ve been punched in the head, kicked in the groin, and headbutted. I barely felt a thing — not because I’m superman, but because fear had numbed me with adrenaline.

Once the stressor has ended, the fear should dissipate. The problem is when you become scared of harmless activities such as meeting new people.

Fear can save your life, but it can also ruin it.

2. Fear strikes hardest when you have low self-esteem.

When you loathe yourself or lack confidence, the world becomes terrifying.

The younger me was scared of confrontation. So I allowed myself to be bullied at school. I then felt fear of using public transport in case my abusers were there too. I felt afraid to go out at the weekends.

My world continuously shrunk as fear ran unchecked through my mind and body — like a guard dog out of control and threatening its owner.

The cycle is the same for any frightening situation. You don’t believe you deserve happiness, so you constantly expect disaster.

You don’t feel worthy of love, so you feel pressured to be perfect and outdo everyone else — to work harder and be better at everything.

Even if you achieve greatness, deep down, you don’t believe it. You don’t trust your ability and think you’re just getting lucky. Imagine if people knew your dark secret.

I’ve been like this for most of my life. The memory of me as a victim — both of others and myself — has made me disgustingly competitive. I always want to outdo everyone else and feel bitter and resentful if I don’t achieve this ridiculously high goal.

Yet deep down, I suffer from Imposter Syndrome. Maybe one day, people will see my secret that I’m making things up as I go along.

3. You end up fearing fear itself.

As you progress on the path of realization and begin forgiving and healing yourself from your low self-worth, you’ll notice it wasn’t just parties, the outside world, or saying no to someone that scared you.

You’re afraid of fear itself and all the feelings that go with it.

I’ve had several panic attacks in my life. I feel like I can’t get a proper breath, my heart pounds out of my chest, and I get dizzy and start hyperventilating. At the time, I feel like I’m dying.

The panic attacks come from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. If I get reminders of my traumas, I suffer flashbacks as if I relive the scenario again. I get nightmares and Depression.

These feelings are horrendous, so I avoid triggers. I don’t go to some regions of the city where I used to police. I used to avoid certain tv shows and have even broken down on vacation when the smell of a dead sheep triggered memories of human deaths I have witnessed.

I am a work in progress and am improving in these areas, but the problem is at its worst when life itself becomes a trigger.

At that point, you cease to live.

I know when I am getting a resurgence of PTSD. I don’t go out for days at a time. I stop all social interaction. Everything revolves around avoiding triggers and how to soothe the demons inside me.

Practical steps you can take now to befriend your fear.

Knowledge is power; the more light you shine on fear, the more you regain control. The guard dog now works for you.

You have to stop the excuses. You aren’t a perfectionist; you’re a procrastinator.

You aren’t rising above confrontation; you don’t want to get smacked in the face.

You aren’t happy in a dead-end job; you’re just scared of the unknown.

Once you face the reality of your situation, you should understand that not changing is worse than the fear you feel right now.

If you try something new and it fails, you’ll have the self-esteem that comes from behaving like a winner — from pushing yourself and trying new things. You give yourself the chance of a successful life.

What do you think will happen if you spend your life sitting on the sidelines? Nothing. You’ll be stuck as you are, frightened and cowering until the end of your days.

Which scenario is more terrifying?

So work harder, and find new strategies to achieve your goals but understand one thing — the only way to truly conquer a fear is to smash it right between the eyes. You can’t skirt around fear; the only road is through the middle.

When fear is your ally, there’s nothing you can’t accomplish. Love, money, and respect are yours for the taking. Every day you’ll grow and find a deep respect for yourself.

As you grow, you’ll get used to fear as a daily feeling on the same path. It’s no big deal; it’s just a sign of growth.

Harness the power of the guard dog to change your life starting now.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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