“Do you want to Jet Ski this Sunday?”
“Sure, that seems interesting.”
We finally planned a second hangout after 4–5 months of meeting, albeit with others tagging along. I’m unsure how much I should disclose about myself. Or how honest I should be at this stage.
She loves crowds. I don’t. Although I’m secure with having little to no friends, right now isn’t an appropriate time to reveal how much of a recluse I am. What if it’s a deal-breaker? I don’t trust her enough to show her my lesser parts — not yet.
You know when you ask someone a question that they’re insecure about, and they either change the subject or make up stories to avoid feeling inferior? I recently asked a new friend whether she’s working remotely. You could sense a tint of shame as she tries to deflect the question. I assumed she wasn’t proud of her current job.
While it’s safe to not share too many personal details with someone we don’t know well, creating a false image at the beginning can spell trouble down the line. I exaggerated my income when I met my ex. She also misled me about her family background. We impressed each other through lies because neither one was comfortable enough in who we were.
Once we pulled back the curtains, both found the other a little disappointing to a point where I questioned if I made a mistake entering this relationship. I wonder, would relationships function better given 100% transparency from the very beginning? Or is it better to pick-and-choose how and what we present to our potential mates?
Let’s explore.
We only show someone what we want them to see at the beginning
I hope not to repeat my last relationship. I want to be completely open with this girl. If she doesn’t think the Mazda I drive is good enough for her, what can I do? Maybe once she discovers how dull my life is, she’ll no longer be interested. Who knows?
I could, of course, be selective about how I present myself. For instance, instead of confessing I’m sitting at home endlessly scrolling through Youtube this weekend, I’ll simply tell her I’m busy — I need time to attend to private matters.
But the problem with showing someone only what we want them to see is, we become more anxious.
For one, we create pressure for ourselves to maintain a certain image. We feel freer to pretend when someone is still unfamiliar with us, especially for a person with low self-esteem like myself. We might claim to be more popular than we really are or booster about how much we know about politics. The problem is, we constantly feel the need to live up to that false expectation. As we become closer with the other person, we start to lose confidence in fear of being exposed as a fraud.
For two, overplaying our importance means we don’t believe we deserve the other person. The more we compensate, the more we place them on a pedestal.
I don’t imply that just because we’re a messy person, we shouldn’t clean out our car or bedroom before inviting them over — that’s basic respect. But if we deceive them into thinking we’re an organized person when we aren’t. It becomes manipulation.
The sooner we let our guard down, the less time we waste
I’m excited this Sunday to not only get to know her more but also let her into my world. I want to see her reaction to my missing teeth. How much will that affect her perception of me? What will she think of my car? My job? My friends? Or the lack of? Within the mortifying uncertainty is also a sense of clarity. I will know just how interested she is — or isn’t.
Many of us hide our imperfections at the start because we fear losing the date. But being dishonest about who we are will lead them to like someone they think we are. We forget that the other person usually judges themselves just as hard, if not harder than we do of ourselves. Both are mutually nervous about not being accepted.
The key to breaking the barrier is when one side is willing to let their mask down and say, “no, I actually have little dating experience.” instead of bragging about the time when you almost made out with the football or cheerleader captain in high school.
Back to my original question, how transparent can you be on the first few dates? I’ll answer that with another question. Why should there be any filters, anyway?
“Being honest may not get you a lot of friends but it’ll always get you the right ones.”
-John Lennon
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In close, I just want to say that whatever happens this Sunday, I’ll be okay with it. Because I won’t fabricate anything about my life the way I used to, she will see the true, imperfect me. If that doesn’t stroke her cords, then we weren’t meant to be. As long as I honestly express myself, there’s no regret.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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