A feeling of incredible loss, sadness, and longing, often occurring after a break-up.
What is heartbreak?
This winter, I experienced my first real heartbreak. I had met a guy at a program I was doing and we dated for a few months, but inevitably, the program ended and we had to part ways, leaving me devastated.
Directly after my break-up, I went through a period when I didn’t really watch much TV or many movies. I didn’t feel like I had the emotional capacity to engage with anything with a plot, especially a romantic one, so instead I found myself drawn to only the most mindless shows. These were shows I could turn on in the middle of a season or episode without missing much, like cooking shows, reality TV, or game shows. Nothing held my attention for long.
Except Jeopardy!
I had tuned in occasionally with my mom when I was growing up, but no one in my family was ever an avid Jeopardy! watcher. I imagined the only people who actually tuned in every night must be white-haired ladies in nursing homes or tenured college professors. I never thought I would become one of them. But quickly I found myself falling into the routine. Every night at seven, I’d be in front of the TV, tallying my correct answers on my fingers. I didn’t play against anyone, so my score was meaningless, but in the moment it felt important that I keep track.
I’m not a trivia expert by any means, but each episode I can usually count on getting at least ten to fifteen questions correct. Usually, these will be from the categories in which I have more knowledge, like literature or theater. But sometimes I’ll get a random science question right because of something I remembered from high school biology, like the scientific order for lizards (Squamata). Jeopardy! is where all the random facts I retained over the years finally come in handy.
I’m a very competitive person, and it feels validating to get a question correct. Of course, trivia questions are hardly a measure of a person’s intelligence. When I really think about it, Jeopardy! is such an absurd concept. It’s a competition based on utterly random knowledge, a test that’s nearly impossible to study for. And yet it’s so immensely satisfying to play along. Why?
Jeopardy! gave me questions that had answers. Because of this, it was able to satisfy me at a time in my life when I felt so much uncertainty. I had endless questions running through my lovesick mind. Why did our relationship end? When will I start to feel better? How long does heartbreak last? Is he hurting as much as I am? How will I feel in a month? In six months?
I didn’t have the answers to any of these questions, and if I ever thought I did have them the answers felt too complex to even put into words.
But trivia questions were different. Jeopardy! was concrete, heartbreak was abstract. Jeopardy offered me the chance to ask questions after the answer had already been presented to me. There was no uncertainty here, only absolute truth. And that was comforting. I had the answers. And if I didn’t already know them, I learned what they were.
Jeopardy! reassured me that while I may not have the answers to life’s more complicated questions, there are always some basic, straightforward, often seemingly useless, occasionally ridiculous questions that I can answer.
And, like a kindergartener receiving a gold star from their teacher, it provided me with an odd sense of validation. Maybe my ex didn’t love me anymore, but at least I knew what caused the series of changes in pronunciation of the English language between the 15th and 18th centuries (the Great Vowel Shift)!
…
A ballad, an expression of intimacy and affection for another.
What is a love song?
The period of time when I got really into watching Jeopardy! was an unusual period of time in the history of the show itself because it was a couple of months after the death of Alex Trebek. After Trebek passed away from pancreatic cancer in November, the show was in the process of finding a replacement for the iconic host. In a weird way, it was like the show, too, was in mourning, and was being forced to move on before it was quite ready. Ken Jennings did an admirable job trying to hold the ropes, but something still didn’t feel quite right. That winter, both Jeopardy! and I were haunted by the memory of men from our past.
Strangely enough, I found that the show modeled the importance of moving on. Maybe it wouldn’t feel quite right at first, but in time the show would find its footing again. There was a way forward, even while allowing room for grief.
…
The process of getting over someone. Tactics vary, but may include: talking to friends, going on bad first dates, practicing self-care, writing songs, eating ice cream, exercising, drinking, drunk texting, regretting drunk texting, crying, journaling, singing, ranting, dying your hair, buying a houseplant, accepting the situation, loving yourself.
What is moving on?
In my melancholy, I wanted to be able to define my situation because definitions bring me comfort. Knowing what to expect has always given me a sense of ease. If I knew how many days it would take me to get over my break-up, if I could label and quantify the pain I felt, then maybe it wouldn’t be as difficult.
But this approach is naive, and fundamentally flawed. There is no universal definition of a break-up. There is no scale for measuring heartbreak. Eventually, I had to learn to be okay without knowing all the answers.
Because life is ultimately more complicated than a game of Jeopardy!. But that’s what makes it interesting.
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Previously Published on medium
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