Last year, a personal crisis brought me to my knees. I will never forget waking up after a deep 4-hour sleep caused by antipsychotics and realizing what had happened.
Twenty-four hours before, I had talked to my partner about our relationship. Everything I thought was my life, and my future vanished when I realized that our 5-year-relationship was at its end. Even though we spent three more months together, I immediately knew that I had to leave him to save myself from more pain.
After a sleepless night and several anxiety attacks, I decided to go to a psychosocial emergency service, as I didn’t know how to make it through the next few days.
I came home and went back to bed immediately after taking two antipsychotics to calm down.
Four hours later, something changed. I woke up without any feelings. The pain was gone, but I knew that it was somewhere deep down buried under the effects of the drugs I had taken.
I knew that I was so attached to him and the future plans we had made, that I wasn’t able to imagine my life without him.
I was wondering:
When you know that you are in a relationship with someone who isn’t right for you anymore even though you love this person from all your heart, how can you let go?
Through my yoga teacher training and Buddhist scriptures, I came in touch with the principle of detachment. At first, it felt like something inhuman and robotic to me. Now, eight months after my crisis, I know what true detachment is.
Even though it can be tough to let go, detachment is not about forgetting or denying someone. Nor is it about avoiding feelings for another person.
Detachment is about letting it be. You are always allowed to feel all your feelings but don’t let them define you.
Grief, anger, and pain are emotions, but they are not you. The Buddhist scriptures describe attachment as the source of all suffering. It’s normal to crave possession, people, and goals. But if we let these things define us, we give them a lot of power over our lives.
It doesn’t sound fun to let go of all our cravings, which shouldn’t be the goal. But especially when it comes to people who bring chaos and toxicity to our lives, we owe ourselves to let go and move on.
Detachment is a gift we can give ourselves to become the free and light-hearted person we used to be.
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1. Start with acceptance!
The first step is to come to a pure state of acceptance.
It’s not about forcing yourself to understand the situation or to find explanations for what has happened or for what you feel. You don’t have to deal with these kinds of feelings anymore.
If you feel guilty or torture yourself with questions like: “What did I do wrong?” try to focus on your pure inner feeling. Because your gut feeling shows you what’s real, the pain, it’s here, right now. All the questions you are torturing yourself with are pointless and won’t help you at this moment. So ask yourself:
What does it feel like?
Lay into your pain, your anger, and your grief. Don’t judge yourself! Allow yourself to feel the wholeness of your feelings, no matter the outcome. Give your pain the acknowledgment it deserves.
Don’t hide. Don’t get distracted. Breathe into your feelings and let them be real.
Easier said than done. If you struggle with this step, try this:
- Write down your feelings in a journal.
- Record a voice message for yourself and describe the things you feel as detailed as possible.
- Search for songs that emphasize your feelings. Listen to them when you are alone and see what comes to your mind.
It’s not about wallowing in self-pity. This step is about finding out what this situation feels like for you. Only if you know what you want to let go, you can start with true detachment.
Since my break-up, I journal regularly. It still helps me give my feelings validation, and this tool definitely made me move on faster, with less baggage on my mind every time I write.
At the moment, I’m going through another phase of heartache, but it’s less intense and not connected to paralyzing pain and grief. I feel that I’ve made progress during the last nine months because I allow myself to be sad and angry. It doesn’t always work, but when I’m censoring my thoughts, I always remind myself that I need acceptance first before I let things go.
2. Focus on what you’ve gained!
Before I broke up with my partner, I already knew that it would be hard. But deep down, I found trust in myself and my future. And even though I didn’t feel it at that very moment, my experience told me that I would gain even more if I detach from this toxic relationship.
I found some valuable insights into the process of detachment in an article from Sally Kempton. She says:
“Many of us reach the third stage of detachment when we realize that we have actually gained something, even if it’s just a lesson in what not to do.” — Sally Kempton.
After acceptance, or even before, we realize what lessons we have learned. As Kempton says, maybe it’s only by knowing what not to do, but it’s still a lesson.
Here’s how to implement this point:
- Again, write down everything you have already learned (or what you will learn when you let this person go) in your journal.
- Tell others about your progress and appreciate it by focusing on these positive aspects, even if you’re going through a tough time in your life.
- If it’s about a romantic partner you want to detach from, write down everything you don’t want to have in your next relationship anymore.
I felt absolutely horrible after the break-up. But still, it was a release to me to be alone. Even if loneliness sapped my energy, I was relieved that I was finally alone and safe from my partner’s mentally harmful behavior. I was in a healthier situation now, even if I still felt terrible.
That was just one of the first lessons I could see. After weeks, months, or years there’ll be more lessons and findings. And you won’t see them by asking yourself the same questions again and again.
The answers will come when you detach.
3. Be creative and add new meaningful activities to your life!
Sally Kempton calls this step “creative action.” It means that we thrive for creative expression without wanting to prove something.
It can be a new hobby like crafting, writing, painting, or decorating. But creativity can also be so much more! You feel inspired to start your own business or finally turn your hobby into a business? Go for it!
You always wanted to travel around the world or move somewhere else? Now is the time for it!
Loss always gives us space for something new. In the beginning, it can feel like there’s a hole inside your heart. After a while, you’ll find new people, activities, and thoughts to fill this whole. And they will fit even better!
Here’s how to do it:
- Do you feel like a new hobby or mission is calling you? Then allow yourself to be open for it and find people who support your visions.
- Don’t be afraid of starting something new without the person you are detaching from. Don’t involve them in any of your plans. It’s your life!
- Only do what feels right for you. Don’t force yourself to get to know new people or find new hobbies. It may take a while to come into creative action. But the time will come for sure!
4. Enjoy the freedom!
You know that you have reached detachment when thinking about the person doesn’t come with a paralyzing feeling or thought.
You are peaceful.
Your heart doesn’t hide anymore when you meet him/her. You are not afraid of something the other person could do or say.
You are here. In this moment. Without any judgment of yourself or others.
Remind yourself:
If you fall back into old patterns and feel like you are losing your freedom again, don’t judge yourself. That’s human.
The process isn’t linear. But once you have felt the freedom, it will come back. The frequency will increase, and one day you’ll know that you won’t fall back anymore.
Four months ago, I experienced the first peaceful moment after the break-up. I lied in my bed and thought about everything I had achieved in the months before. I suddenly felt so comfortable with myself, and it felt like I would welcome myself back in my body and mind.
I was with myself and just felt a deep sense of peace in my heart.
Final thoughts
Detachment from a person you love is not about forgetting, ignoring, or leaving them. You can still detach from someone you are in a relationship with.
Detached love is a healthy fundament for great romantic relationships.
And if you want to detach from someone you cannot be with at the moment, you still don’t have to forget or ignore them.
You can genuinely love them! Even if this feeling may never go away, you can still detach from them and find someone who is a better fit for you.
I first felt detached from my ex-partner two days ago. We are still friends, and our communication is as open and honest as always. When he told me about his new girlfriend, the first time since the break-up, I didn’t feel jealous, hurt, inferior, or angry. I just listened to him like he was an old friend.
I accept it.
I learn my lessons.
I create.
I’m free.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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