I Believe Lies

I’ve lived a little, loved a little.

I got some kind of perspective of love. Different than yours, that’s obvious.

But I am not ready always to let lies to manifest in my life.

Lying in wait is going to lie heavy on me. If you’re gonna lie to me, I will lie to myself too.

Tell a lie big enough and I will believe it too.

* * *

My lies are better

Lies I tell myself are better than the lies you tell me.

I believe lies when I feel too vulnerable to allow the truth to come out. I believe my lies. I prefer my lies.

Lying is second nature to you. Not to me. When I feel terribly betrayed I like to convince myself of a lie a little bit longer.

I know that there are more layers underneath. More layers of pain. And that I can not escape. So, I use lies just like an anesthetic to my good judgment …just for a little while.

Delaying the pain of reality will not make the truth go away. I know. I want to buy just a little more time.

But being sober too soon means that I need to make up my mind. And face the truth. And this hurts more than the lie does.

* * *

Learning to trust no one but me is painful. I know the truth and I trust myself that I will be ok.

Should I have the truth or the treaty? I don’t know.

Now I mistake the truth with common sense. I always forget that common sense is not that common anymore.

But believing the lies a little longer buys me time. Time to cope with pain. Time to regroup. Time to return to whom I needed to trust in the first place, myself.

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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.

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