I Did My Time, Too…

Life makes no sense sometimes. Then it does. It goes and comes, like clouds in the skies, somedays. Today, I am trying to make sense of things that cannot be made sense of. But that does not mean that there is no peace to be found in the chaos.

My sweet man often tells stories of his time in the military. The hardship was extreme, the loss, the longing, the struggle. It was made of years and years of discipline, training, and self-denial, alternating with months and years of the extremes of boredom. His ability to entertain himself is second to none. His coping mechanisms are many and interesting to observe. He has seen things I never want to see…things he cannot un-see. I love him for his discipline and sacrifice, his ability to do hard things. Amazing and beautiful.

We have had very dissimilar lives. He has been married four times over the past 25 years. I have been married once for that entire 25 years. He has been moving around, from this country to others that entire time as well. I settled here, in our Midwest hometown, twenty years ago to raise my kids.

Those are just the beginnings of our dissimilarities.

Our struggles have been very different as well. My extreme hardship, my losses, and my longings have not been his. I lied…I think one of our longings has been almost the same. We both longed for a stable and kind home life; a partner that wanted us as much as we wanted them, etc. Neither of us had that.

I have written extensively about the losses and hardships of my marriage and my life growing up. They were not few. His were not either. Our childhoods were not too dissimilar. We both were forced to “adult” at very young ages.

As he tells his “No shit, there I was” military life stories, there is a phrase that has emerges from his mouth at times that triggers me. And it is this:

“I did my time. And now, I get to sit back and relax a little.”

Our few similarities seem to end at the bank. He is not wrong. He did his time. He sacrificed so much, for so long. He does deserve to get to enjoy the “fruits of his labors.”

But what about me? What about my enjoyment of the “fruits of my labors?” I got totally screwed in my divorce, ending up with literally all of the debt of the marriage, somehow. There was absolutely no justice.

Storytime:

Just the other day, things began to become overwhelming for me, as I was considering moving out of my house in the next few weeks. It was the end of a long day…not a bad day, just a long one. He stood in the shower next to me and said, “Don’t you believe that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle?”

I told him that no, in fact, I did not believe that. I believed that God expected us to work as communities, as friends, as partners, to “handle” everything that comes our way. Because, I, for one, know that I have been given far, far more than I could handle at times.

God has become a very communal idea for me because God HAD to become more about the whole than just me.

How can this experience of his military sacrifice become something communal? How can the loss of my divorce become something communal?

Something hit me this morning that helps me to see things in a more healthy way. And it is this:

He and I both are reaping the rewards of the lives we have worked so hard at. I am enjoying the company and attention of my children. Their love for me is amazing, irritating, challenging, and an incredible gift overall. I am enjoying something he might never have with his kids.

However, he is enjoying the financial stability that I may never have. I am a little too old to even claim that as a goal, frankly. He has done the work to secure that for himself and has the privilege of enjoying it.

Our rewards are opposites. But they are actually quite complimentary. What I have (my kids) is a gift to him as well. They love him and trust him (as much as they can trust a man) and appreciate how well he loves their mama. His emotional and financial stability is something that we all get to benefit from as well. He is very generous with his resources and helps me relax a lot about the financial situation in front of me, all day, every day.

He gets to “enjoy” my kids. And we get to “enjoy” him. Each of our investments in life have come with rewards that we are enjoying. Yes, it is difficult sometimes to see our gifts to the relationship as being valid and “good enough”.

But they are. They really are. To be loved, to have positive attention, to be verbally affirmed, to have financial stability, and emotional safety…these are fundamental needs we have. And together, we can meet them.

I cannot meet mine alone. He cannot meet his alone. Maybe this is how it’s all supposed to work. We offer what we have, and pray it is “enough”.

Our sacrifices have been different, so it makes sense our rewards will be different as well.

We both did our time, whatever that means. And it all counts…together.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***