This morning, I recalled the last time I had an alcoholic beverage. It was three months back, on a Wednesday, and the sushi-to-beer ratio was 4:1.
It was all delicious and relaxing. But if I’m frank, and I am, drinking is not nearly as fun as it used to be when I was twenty-two. Depression sets in deeper with a drink in my belly these days, and I do not need any help with that. Speaking of helping — I can’t always do it. It’s not my job to fix anyone other than myself, and even that is forever a work-in-progress. Not too long ago, I vowed to myself that I would not drink with a particular friend of mine because I’d be lying through my damn teeth if I said I wasn’t painfully aware of her struggles with the bottle.
Then, the Friends Reunion happened.
Again, if I’m honest with everyone, including myself today: I couldn’t wait to ace my final, get to my girlfriend’s house, kick off my white unfashionable (but pristine) healthcare worker clogs, crack open an ice-cold beverage, and relax with my Friends.
It’s been a long three months, ya’ll.
However, shortly after that thought, a familiar ominous cloud of guilt loomed over me.
I don’t even like drinking anymore. Should I not drink with her either?
Am I a bad friend?
Will her kids think any less of their Auntie if they smell beer on my breath while we color together?
The thoughts that came next after those intruding ones were magical (and emotionally intelligent, if I do say so myself.) My friend and I have been friends forever, and I love her to death. Always have, always will — never gonna stop. But that doesn’t mean I am responsible for her.
Me drinking (or not drinking) doesn’t affect whether my friend decides to drink or not. She’s a grown woman and is responsible for her behavior, just as I am for mine. I’m here to remind anyone who needs it today that — You are not responsible for anyone else’s emotions or behavior. Read that again. If that sentence is not jolting enough for you, I also provided a helpful (and healing) list below that I found on Instagram a while ago.
What I Am Responsible For
- Regulating my emotional state + responses
- Placing + holding clear boundaries
- Clearly communicating my own needs
- The meaning I choose to assign to each situation
- Communicating clearly + objectively so the other person feels safe/able to fully express themselves
What I Am Not Responsible For
- The emotional state of others
- How someone reacts to my boundaries
- Meeting every need of another person
- Other people’s opinions of myself
- Communicating with people who engage in yelling, name-calling, or denying our reality
I drank a beer today, okay, three over an eight-hour period. It changed my life because I realized I’m not responsible for anyone but myself.
And I still don’t like drinking.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Giovanna Gomes on Unsplash