I Have a Post-Divorce Confession

“Let me fall if I must fall. The one I will become will catch me.” —Baal Shem Tov

I love this quote.

It’s one of my absolute favorites.

It makes my post-divorce confession more difficult.

It goes against the grain of who I believe I am. I want to be my own hero. I want to catch myself. I don’t want anyone else to do it for me.

Here’s the problem.

Things have been difficult for me lately.

I’m incredibly stressed.

It feels as if everything is converging on me at once. I’ve been doing post-divorce legal work and I’m hitting a wall. I can’t continue to finance it. I can’t walk away from it either.

I’m used to the financial stress but other things are happening too.

Too many things are happening at once. I feel overwhelmed. It’s the first time I’ve felt this way in a while. It worries me. I’m increasingly distracted, and getting headaches.

I never get headaches.

This is reminiscent of some of the worst of my ex-husband’s handiwork. I had the same dull but constant headaches during the worst of his divorce abuse.

My post-divorce confession?

I need someone.

That’s hard for me to say. It shouldn’t be. The human condition is both beautiful and messy. We aren’t meant to be alone. Despite my resolve to never get married again, I understand this.

Don’t get me wrong.

I don’t want to be rescued.

I don’t want anyone to solve my problems.

I’m determined to do that myself. I just need someone to talk to. A man who makes me feel like everything is going to be okay when it feels like it isn’t.

I need a refuge.

I know this is temporary. I’m okay when it doesn’t feel like everything is coming down on me at once. I know I will get through this.

But at this moment, I need someone.

I miss feeling that there’s somebody that might catch me if I fall.

I miss that person I can confide in.

I remind myself that I’m being silly. I may have been married for years but it wasn’t to a man who would catch me. It wasn’t to a man that I could confide in.

He never rescued me.

He never solved my problems.

After losing my mom, I cried myself to sleep.

She died six months to the day after my father. It was overwhelming, especially at 28 years old. I remember getting into bed, putting my head onto the pillow and sobbing.

My husband rolled over, and went to sleep.

I’m talking immediately, within minutes.

I cried alone.

After my divorce, my youngest son was bleeding internally. They had yet to determine the cause. A doctor and nurse raced into his hospital room.

“Where is he?” the nurse asked frantically.

“He’s in the bathroom,” I said.

“His heart rate went up drastically,” she said. “I was watching the monitors and grabbed the doctor.”

They helped my son back into bed.

My ex-husband and I stepped out of the room.

“Can you stay for another half hour?” I asked.

“Why?” he said.

“Didn’t you see a nurse and doctor race into his room?” I asked.

“What’s the big deal?” he said. “I get on the treadmill and my heart rate goes up that high.”

“He’s a 21 year old kid,” I said. “And all he did was get up to go to the bathroom.”

My ex-husband humored me.

He stayed a few more minutes.

I needed him for the first time since our divorce.

It wasn’t so much that I needed ‘him.’ But I needed someone. I didn’t want to adult alone when I was frightened for my child. Especially, since we didn’t know what was causing the internal bleeding.

It turned out to be a bleeding ulcer.

After that, I navigated the other health issues by myself. He didn’t worry about anyone. I knew this. I never had someone while I was married.

It’s why most of the time I don’t need someone.

But the human condition is both beautiful and messy. We need each other. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with the world right now. We’ve forgotten that. We are divided at the worst of times.

When the best of times are communal.

I want to be my own hero.

But I need someone.

It’s hard for me to say.

It feels like a confession.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***