I Have No Idea What I’m Doing Here

It’s one of those things that you don’t know what you’re doing wrong — until you do it wrong. I think I’m being attentive and caring, I’m labeled as clingy. I think nonchalant and freedom oriented is the way to go, the new label is I don’t care enough.

This isn’t necessarily about me or my anxious attachment style. I also understand now that we as millenials have been programmed to have an anxious attachment style, which is why most of us do.

It all starts with “he loves me, he loves me not.” I was 6 years old picking off flower petals wondering if he loved me. He being the kid with the coolest shoes in my 1st grade class. Desperately wanting him to love me.

And it’s ending with the technology era of always having constant contact with someone and having others tell us “well, how easy is it to send a quick text — just two seconds out of their own chaotic days to update you.” Have you ever had a chaotic day? Texting someone who you’ve known for 6 months isn’t usually on the top of the list.

When my new boyfriend has had a rough day at work paired with a long night. He isn’t focused on making sure I’m OK. He’s making sure HE’S OK. Which is exactly what I want. But then, his reset takes so much time that it confuses me. And when I ask for reassurance (which is the ideal way to go about being validated — ask for it) he gives it. However, while I’m not pouring from my cup into his — he needs more time than I’m used to to reset.

This just confirmed that I, indeed, don’t know what I’m doing. And after 4 months — I may be more inclined to take a huge step back instead of a step forward, simply to protect myself.

But instead, I get out of my head and get busy. Just like I have in the past. Make friends, visit old friends, continue my life as is, knowing that he’s in my corner and will hopefully stay there.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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