Malcolm,
It’s been four years since we lost you and I don’t touch that wound. I don’t listen to your voice often and I won’t think of you unless I absolutely have to. And today I had to. My heart is grieving. It’s been one of those days that feels like it’s been too long without you and suddenly I remember,
it has been.
I miss you so much it hurts to do it. So I hide it from myself. I never acknowledge what you mean to me. I never take that time because… I am afraid of getting the grieving process started. Because this is one time I truly don’t think it will end if I do.
You were only 26.
I am now older than you even though I was born two years behind. That’s weird to me. I’m gonna grow up without you… It shouldn’t have been like this. But I knew you would go too far. I knew you would do it, I had a feeling.
It was a strong intuition that we all should have been looking out for you after your breakup. If “I love her” was a person it would have been you. So I knew the way it ended devastated you. I knew we had a reason to be afraid, no matter what they say.
I was preparing to buy a ticket to see you when I heard the news. I remember feeling lucky that I was sitting down because I knew I would’ve collapsed. I don’t know how to fill the void in my life without you. I don’t know how to patch up that hole that you left when you left us behind when you left me behind.
Please… tell me I don’t have to do this. Tell me I don’t have decades to face without you existing somewhere out there. The spiritual world is not enough. I need to know that we physically share a planet. I need to know that you’re fucking here, somewhere.
You can’t expect me to come to terms with the fact that you don’t exist anymore, Malcolm. You cannot tell me I have all this transition and time to face without you. The world you lived in doesn’t even exist anymore, I wish you were alive to make the changes easier.
Please don’t do this to me because I don’t think I can take it. There’s something so unsafe about the world now that your aura is no longer in it. Without you here something feels off.
Everything feels wrong.
I can’t imagine that the strong man we all knew and loved (and cherished) is just a pile of ashes. And that’s why I can’t stand to brave the sight of you. That’s what makes it worse. The fact that you didn’t decay over time you were immediately turned into the complete opposite of what you had just been.
That quickly it all turned to dust. And I’m left to remember how whole you were. I can’t look at your pictures or your videos without realizing you were turned to ashes. I can’t do that. I can’t look at you now without my heart aching. I needed you to stay because we had so much to do.
I need you to come back.
I need you to undo what you did. I need you to tell us what to do to undo what you did. I need you to give us a sign on how we can make this right. You can’t tell me this is it you cannot tell me I’ll never see you again. I won’t let your silence do that to me. So you speak to whoever the hell you need to up there because…
I need God to give you back.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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