I Really Don’t Look Forward To Returning to the Office

When I returned to Uganda in 2020 after 5 years away, going to the office was something I always looked forward to. Mondays were my new Fridays. Fridays and public holidays were my new Sunday evenings or Monday mornings.

Much of that was driven by the fact that I was just almost fresh out of university and I didn’t want my parents and siblings to think of me as an unemployed civil engineering graduate.

I loved going to the office because I could be by myself and work on a lot of things I cared about. I used to look forward to waking up at 3:30 am to begin my commute to work which I would leave at 5:00 pm — the latter of which made me sad.

Even when Uganda went into lockdown for the first time, I only stayed home for the first 2 weeks dreading every second of it and as soon as the president eased the restrictions and allowed people to walk to work, My dad and I didn’t think twice about whether or not we would be able to manage the daily 14 mile walk.

We walked five days a week for over seven months but none of us showed any level of fatigue and in fact, we loved it.

We got so much into the routine and I think our productivity at work benefited as well that I never cared whether we were going to do that again in 2021.

But then the second wave hit. There were speculations that the government was trying to secure loans from abroad so it had to create a convincing narrative that would get them the money. If that is true, it explains the strict lockdown and probably explains why so many people were dying than they did in the first wave — I’m only theorizing here.

As for our newfound passion for walking to work, that too had to stop. There was military on the streets that were actively keeping people out in….well dehumanizing ways.

During our walks, we had taken a lot of precautions. It was something that was necessary if we needed to survive because the government offered no help and even when it tried to, well I will not go into the specifics of resource allocation in a third-world country.

For the second wave, I don’t think it was as bad as the first but whatever the government’s motivations were, My dad and I thought we had to stop our walks.

Leaving the office was sad. It was an experience filled with fear and a sense that I would not be productive enough while at home. I was also very scared that I would fall behind in life.

For the first two months, I stayed indoors without going out. Most of that time was spent on the computer. I want to think that I was studying or working but I think there is a significant portion of youtube and Netflix in there somewhere.

In the third month, the restrictions were lifted but our office was long gone and we are still in the process of getting one. But this was not something I was concerned about because somewhere during that lockdown, I found my rhythm and I was productive again.

I for example completed a course on structural engineering(I still want to go for my master’s at NYU Tandon) and I am also learning how to code…(so much fun).

Time at home has helped me to manage my time better. I no longer wake up at 3 am like I used to among other healthier practices. Did I tell you that I watched the whole series of “the Bold Type”? Ok, I will stop.

Today I found out that the office I thought we had lost is not really gone. It is still there and waiting for us to come back.

I thought that would make me happy but I don’t really feel that way. Sure it had its perks. I loved so many things about it and being there made me feel like I was working in a startup— I loved the experience.

But I also had to deal with bossy people, a workplace crush type situation, and security guards with state-of-the-art guns. — Guns scare the shit out of me.

There are other inconveniences that I avoided by just being home and they helped me become better at being productive and managing my time.

Another reason is that I now have about 5 months to leave the country again. I am going for my master’s and that feeling excites me. Being home helps me study for that and I concentrate much better when people are not asking me about what am going to do with my life or the occasional human that will hear about my civil engineering education and starts floating ideas to me on how they should build their house with me as the chief engineer or whatever.

I love working much more now but I guess it is me just scared of change. Isn’t it the case with most people though?

I always freak out when there are these types of changes happening. In India, I was renting a shitty apartment and I would go days at a time without eating food but when it came time to leave India, I wanted to cling on to that reality.

The funny thing is that each time I have accepted these changes, it has made me and my life much better. Every change makes my previous challenges easier and comes with challenges of its own which to me signals progress.

The change I want to run away from is probably the very change I need to move forward.

I just have to keep telling myself that it will turn out better than I can currently imagine and wait in excitement. If I have to return to the office, so be it. I just trust that somewhere this is for my good and my excitement can keep living side by side with my fear.

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Previously Published on medium

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